RALPH LAUREN has produced a new range of polo shirts that are much slimmer-fitting than his previous versions, and they come in much groovier colours — a hundred in all, from peaches and tangerines through to black. But I am never going to be allowed to wear one because my wife says that she will divorce me if I do. “The man I marry does not wear polo shirts,” she says. “Polo shirts are what accountants wear at weekends.”
I suppose I see her point. Like Pringle sweaters and Breton fishing jerseys, polo shirts (especially those by Ralph Lauren) are worn by an awful lot of people you might not want to be. Even proper polo players are a fairly ghastly bunch, aren’t they? Yet at the same time it strikes me as jolly unfair to write off a whole fashion genre because of its unfortunate associations. Just because many Ferraris are driven by inadequate, middle-aged idiots doesn’t mean that Ferraris are not worth owning, does it? The thing I like about polo shirts is that even if you are the Elephant Man or Jabba the Hutt, their classic lines cannot help but make you look that little bit more sleek, sexy and worldly. They are helped, too, by their connotations of money and dashing sportsmanship; by the fact that collars almost always look better on men than the round neck of a T-shirt; and by the fact that they come in plain colours.
And yet there is one major drawback — and that is the Ralph Lauren brand. It is hard to look at that pony logo without thinking of fake ones piled high in holiday resorts and of Kevins trying to kid themselves that they are smarter than they are. Also, no matter how hard Ralph Lauren tries to reposition itself for the youth market, how much success is it going to have? I mean, have you ever been to one of its stores? I did, out of freak-show curiosity, and it is the weirdest experience.
You walk off the high street (if you can call New Bond Street a high street) and into something that is like a cross between a cruise liner and a pastiche of a gentleman’s club — all dark wood, sepia prints and old sporting artefacts. It is charming in its Jay Gatsby-wannabe way. But it is a bit ersatz and not a little kitsch. The customers are mostly tourists, and no matter how young they are, not one of them looks as if he has a mental age of less than 65. It is back to that Ferrari thing again: the people that the marque would like to be bought by are different from the ones who buy it.
But hey, I would have said exactly the same thing a few years ago about Burberry, and look what happened there. Once irredeemably touristic and naff, it has now gone so far the other way that it is verging on the déclassé. Really though, Ralph, the best of luck with your campaign. It is a brilliant idea and I particularly like the touch where you can customise the colour of your pony logo. I just cannot be there with you, mate. My wife won’t have it.
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AND HURRAH for Armani too. It is bringing out a limited-edition range made from organic, environmentally friendly hemp so you can look fashionable while saving the planet. Another designer has made a bag out of something vaguely eco too. Unfortunately, I have lost the press release. No, I am taking the mickey. There are few things more risible than the fashion industry on one of its eco jaunts. Fashion people are among the most superficial creatures on earth. So why don’t they just get on with doing what they are best at — making clothes, scratching each other’s eyes out and using the skins of endangered species — and leave the holier-than-thou stuff to the beardies and vegans.
Actually. I would respect Armani far more if I knew that its hemp was non-organic and saturated with pesticides. After all, with organic stuff there is no guarantee that it has not been ravaged by hemp weevils or something. And without any chemicals and preservatives, what is to stop it falling apart after a few days? When bringing out a new line, the fashion industry’s only criteria should be: Is it cool? Is it sexy? Will it sell? There are good reasons for using hemp — it gives the denim of the new Armani jeans a pleasingly ratty, grainy texture. That should be its selling point. Not this eco-fascist drivel.
Armani jeans from the hemp collection at Emporio Armani cost from £159, 020-7823 8818.
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HEMP. I have just been sent a load of Body Shop stuff made from hemp, too, so I reckon we are good for another item on the subject. The thing about hemp is that it is amazingly versatile. It is good for your skin and you can turn it into pretty much anything. In the USA until 1820, 80 per cent of all textiles for clothes, rugs, sheets and towels were made from it. George Washington was a major grower, which is where rumours started about him being the first US President to inhale. In its modern industrial form, though, hemp is useless as a drug. So all those cannabis leaf designs you see invest hemp products with a risqué image they don’t deserve.
HOW TO GET THE LOOK
Ralph Lauren “slim-fit” polo shirt, £50, 020-7537 4600
Hemp lip protector, £5.50, Hemp dry oil spray, £7.50, Hemp face protector, £7, all by the Body Shop, 01903-844 554