If you’re casting about for the defining look of the spring season (I know you are), here’s the scoop: it’s the shirt and jeans combo shown by American designer Derek Lam. You can ignore the shirt. It’s the pants that matter. These trousers – according to those who know – are the only shape you need right now. Sigh.
Let me describe your new jeans, so you can prepare for the challenge. They are over-long and over-wide, and, most crucially, they feature a high waist – certainly high enough to hide a belly button, and almost high enough to be on talking terms with your bra. Your body is about to enter a whole new era, my friends, and it may not be a comfy ride.
High-waist trousers have been gnawing away at the periphery of fashion for years. Marc Jacobs was trying to get us to wear them in 2004, paired with cropped jackets and pussy-bow blouses. We gave them a sniff, and carried on wearing our low-down jeans. A recce of my stash of jeans (all 28 pairs) reveals how the waistband migrated south when Alexander McQueen did bumsters in ’96, and has pretty much stayed there since. High-waists have kept on coming at us, but they’ve never caught on.
This time around, though, there are signs that they’re gaining momentum. The wide-leg, high-rise Marrakesh jeans by MiH have been stealing space in the magazines for a good few months now; at London Fashion Week last month, the high waist was very much in evidence. Kate Moss, Gemma Arterton and Diane Kruger have been giving them a go.
But the real clincher comes from Gap. They’ve gone huge on these huggy jeans for spring.
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“The new fit of the season for women’s denim is the wide-leg, high-waisted flare,” states Patrick Robinson, Gap’s executive vice-president of design (and he should know). “This style is a modern interpretation of the Seventies influence, which is a key theme for spring.” The store is championing the classic flare and the vintage version, alongside the “pin-tucked wide-leg trouser jean”, with its raised seam down the front of the leg. Clearly, this is a trend at tipping point, which means that come Thursday or thereabouts, I’ll bet my slipper socks (don’t ask) you’ll want a pair.
On the plus side, a high-top flare will give the illusion of never-ending legs, and if you are blessed with shoestring thighs, you may be in for a treat. In its favour, the new high-waister does nail the mood of the season at one fell swoop. It’s so quintessentially Seventies it may as well whistle something catchy by the Doobie Brothers and demand a three-day week. And, erm, yes, that’s about it for the plus side.
I’m looking at my high-waist flares from Gap (right, £45.95; gap.eu), and I have to admit I’m cowed. They look huge, like I’m about to wear a pair of denim curtains. Once on, my belly looks as if it’s smuggling contraband. There is nowhere to hide. You can virtually see the almond croissant I had for breakfast. It’s all rather intimate, with a strong risk of camel toe and – jackpot – my bum looks big.
On the practical front, if you tuck in your shirt, as Derek Lam suggests, you will look like you’re housing ferrets. Knickers become a big conundrum too. VPL is very Seventies, isn’t it? Another rarely raised concern that mitigates against the wearing of high-waisters is the appearance of Thigh Crack – that curious crease in the fabric which develops precisely where your legs meet your torso. Nice.
The success of the trend, I discover, depends largely on your height-to-width ratio; if you can touch the top of a door frame, you’re probably fine to give them a spin. If you have trouble reaching the door handle, then the high waist will eat you for brunch. I expect they’d also work well if you have no stomach, because the fit should be snug. This is enough to give women like me the conniptions. Back in the day, when Charlie had Angels and men had perms, high-waist jeans were worn tight enough to show your ovaries. Women pulled their Brutus jeans on, Gloria Vanderbilt introduced the world to tight-tight designer jeans, and many a girl spent her afternoons writhing on the swirly carpet, listening to K-tel and trying to yank up the zip on her indigo Jordaches. Hands up: anyone fancy that now?
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The issue is compounded by the comedy flappy flares that tend to accompany a rising waist, leaving you with trousers that appear to consume your body and eat your feet. In the bolder versions (I refer you to Brioni’s poppy-red bell-bottoms, with their 42cm flare), the legs are obliterated, bar a mousey toe poking from the tent of your trouser-hem. But the challenge, I’ve found in three hours of wearing them, isn’t only one of proportion. There’s a shift in attitude. High-waist trousers are the kind of garment that make you constantly aware of their presence. “Look at me!” they announce as they stride into a room. “Aren’t I clever to have captured the zeitgeist? I’ll just stand here and pose awkwardly for a bit.”
As with most trends, there will emerge a gulf between women who will and women who won’t. Anyone with an appreciable tummy or a decent-sized bum won’t. Anyone on the short side won’t. Anyone who is not prepared to hold in their stomach for a whole season won’t. Needless to say, Kylie already has. And lovely she looks too. Kelly Brook has had a punt, with less success. This, I’m afraid, is the peril of the beast: no matter how you cut it, these trousers are a trial. My advice is to split the difference: go for a flare, but opt for a mid-rise waist. I’ve got my eye on a pair of Flaunts by Citizens of Humanity. Or perhaps J Brand’s Martini cut (left, £185; 020-7937 7972), with its kicky flare and a waistband that sits in just the right, 2011 sort of place. A pair to add to the 28, I expect.