ASTOUNDING NEW EVIDENCE suggests that football in England is far older than is generally believed. Sophisticated dating techniques have proved that the skull of a human body that was discovered recently by archaeologists made repeated contact with a ball from 1888, more than 100 years before the game was thought to have been invented with the formation of the Premier League in 1992.
It has been widely assumed that the first species to play the game was the Homo supersundayenus, but the latest findings have reopened the controversy over evolutionary beliefs. “Here we go again with the woolly- minded theories about how football has been around for decades,” Richard Keys, a creationist, said. “Anyone with a brain and a satellite dish knows that football was conceived by the Great God Sky in 1992.” Keys pointed to evidence in what he called the good book — “And the controller said, ‘Let there be hype’. And there was hype,” (Sky Voiceover Manual, verse three) — but many dismiss the theory.
“Football has developed gradually over more than a century,” an evolutionist, who claimed the latest report corroborated his own findings, said. “In West London there used to be primitive animals such as Homo mickeydroyus, but, as the environment changed, they died off and were replaced by those who migrated across Europe, notably the Homo francozolaus.
“We know this because of the state of the bodies excavated in the area during the respective eras. Those that we found from the Homo francozolaus period had become tied in knots, while those from the Homo mickeydroyus era typically contained broken bones.”
The new developments in England come at a time when scientists on the Continent are suggesting that European club football began before the launch of the Champions League in 1992. “It seems extraordinary,” one said, “but there appears to have been a time when fans became excited about a game without hearing a piece of classical music just before kick-off.”