With dust gathering on my kit bag and a growing fondness for my couch, I was determined to get fit without going to a gym. Two classes caught my eye.
To my left was the Green Gym. According to its website, getting involved in local nature conservation projects not only gets you in good shape physically and mentally, but also allows you to make new friends and do your bit for the environment. It all sounded as warm as a big hug.
To my right was British Military Fitness, which sounded about as welcoming as a slap in the face. It promised a range of “physically challenging activities”, taught by serving or former members of the army. “If it is tipping it down with rain,” bellowed the website, “don’t bother to ring the office to make sure the class is still on — it will be.”
I signed up for the Green Gym. Its projects take place in outdoor spaces all over Scotland and the UK and are open to all. Tasks vary but always involve wholesome exercise and good old-fashioned outdoor fun. Set up in 1997, the initial concept was a volunteering scheme encouraging those with inactive lifestyles to get up off their proverbials.
The huge plus is its accessibility. Colin Murray, the Green Gym co-ordinator, even collects people from their homes if they have transport problems.
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“Sometimes people are going through tough times and need a bit of help getting back into physical activity,” he told me. “We don’t want to scare anyone off, we want them to leave with a feelgood factor and, hopefully, a healthier outlook.”
The emphasis is on improving fitness the non-Lycra way. My “workout” in Fife was spent managing local woodlands, which meant planting trees, sowing seeds and getting to grips with menacing-looking bow saws and axes. The group was a mix of businessmen yearning for the lumberjack lifestyle, retired women taking a gardening hobby to the next level and others seeking a distraction from the horrible things in life.
As we stacked logs there was a cosy, back-patting camaraderie and there was no need for a bossy foreman. Even with the smell of a wood fire signalling an alfresco tea break, we only put our tools down after the job was done.
On the train home, my cheeks rosy and my knees muddy, I buzzed with an Enid Blyton sort of worthiness. This was the feelgood factor I had been promised and I knew I had done a good deed. But besides a ruddy complexion and a couple of splinters, I knew I hadn’t really pushed myself any closer to the athlete’s body I dreamt of.
The following week I summoned the courage to attend a military fitness class. Like the Green Gym, it believes in the benefits of a lung full of fresh air.
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Meeting in the Meadows on a chilly February evening Brian Fernie, our instructor, started us off with a brisk jog. A tall thirtysomething, his toned physique was perhaps why so many of the class regulars were female.
The class began with the allocation of coloured bibs denoting beginners, intermediates and advanced members.
It was reminiscent of a school PE class as we zipped through our shuttle runs and team races. Childish it was not, however. After 10 minutes I had worked up a decent sweat, despite the cold air.
Although these exercises may seem primitive to those more comfortable with a chest press and pilates ball, it is worth remembering that all moves have been designed with soldiers in mind. You will, quite literally, become fighting fit.
The class starts by revving up the cardiovascular system, before strengthening all the main muscle groups. Fernie even incorporated extra sit-ups, a largely feminine request.
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Throughout our 60 minutes, he kept up a constant good cop-bad cop banter as he put us through our paces with lunges, squat thrusts and press ups.
“Call that a press up! You’re making all the porn star noises but I’m not seeing any muscles working!” he screamed as we hyperventilated through a particularly arduous routine.
Actually, Fernie’s sergeant major bark is all an act. A few minutes later he was whispering sweet praises in my ear. As Robin Hope, the British Military Fitness founder explains, a bit of basic psychology goes a long way.
“People perform better if they know they are being watched by the rest of their group”, says Hope who set up the classes in 1999. A former army major and a military technical adviser on Soldier, Soldier and Saving Private Ryan, he believes that real motivation starts with team spirit.
“Military fitness isn’t about being shouted at and ordered around. It’s actually all about self-motivation and self-respect. Most people leave feeling really proud of themselves.”
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The following day, as I soaked in the hot tub, I had the telltale aching limbs. Rolling about in the mud doing press-ups may seem like madness, but wishy-washy certainly won’t win the race. Sign me up, and watch out Sandhurst.
Green Gym is available throughout Scotland. 01786 479697, www.btcv.org/greengym. British Military Fitness is available in Edinburgh and Glasgow. www.britmilfit.com