Almost half of calls last year to Parentline, a support service for distressed parents, came from those aged between 40 and 60. One in five sought advice on their adult children’s “selfish” lifestyles and the drain their continued presence imposed on family finances.
Coming home late at night drunk — often with a lover in tow — smoking, skipping work, not turning up for cooked meals and refusing to contribute to their upkeep were some of the frequently cited flashpoints between parents and their “Kippers” (kids in parents’ pockets eroding retirement savings).
“It is a lifestyle issue and it comes up all the time,” said Rita O’Reilly, the manager of Parentline, who conducted a survey of more than 5,000 parent calls to the line.
“Parents feel they are not being paid sufficient respect and are baffled by the easygoing lives they feel their children lead. When they were growing up, they had to save hard to move out of home and lead an independent life. Adult children want all the trappings of independence without the constraints. Parents resent the loss of their privacy and the cavalier attitude of their offspring, who will happily indulge in holidays and buy cars for themselves before saving for a home and moving on.”
Her views were echoed by Larry Ryan, the director of Behaviour & Attitudes, a marketing research firm. “There is no doubt that prohibitive costs and accessibility of housing has led many young adults to remain in or return to their parents to save for a deposit for their own home. But equally, there are others who feel that the world owes them a living and expect their parents to bail them out.
Advertisement
“Kids are turning to their parents and saying, ‘I need €50,000 or €100,000 and parents are paying deposits, buying homes or diluting their assets to empty their nest.”
About 43,000 Irish couples have a child at home aged over 20, and more than 18,000 lone parents also share their home with their adult children. But not all children lead selfish lifestyles or abuse this arrangement.
“There is absolutely no sign of him leaving,” said Judy Moore, from Leopardstown, Dublin, whose 22-year-old son Ron still lives with her. “He would leave if he could, but he can’t afford to. He works full time and he is a great young fella. He would love his independence, but I can’t refinance my home to give him a headstart,” she said.
“I am 30, still living at home and I’m not particularly proud of it,” said Peter McKenna, an IT professional who lives with his parents in Cork. “I would love to have my own place, but I haven’t got enough saved for my own home yet, and I’m not prepared to hand over exorbitant rent to a landlord.”
Earlier this year, a survey revealed that one in five Dubliners between the ages of 21 and 40 still lives with their parents. Two out of three do not own their own home, while two-thirds said they could not afford the deposit. The research, carried out by NewsTalk 106, also revealed that, of those surveyed who had been approved for a mortgage, a third had received financial assistance from their parents or relatives.
Advertisement
According to Corry de Jongh, a family therapist from the Clanwilliam Institute in Dublin, parents who are uncomfortable sharing a home with their grown-up children need to insist that they get a place of their own.
“They are not children, they are adults,” she said. “It is unfair that parents lose their privacy in their fifties and sixties, but they have to stand their ground. Otherwise, they have themselves to blame for letting their children exploit their generosity.”