Most of us like to think we can keep work and home relatively separate. We may socialise with colleagues after work and chat about our home life over lunch but, by and large, work is work and home is home.
Yet when something traumatic happens, a sudden illness, a death in the family, a car crash, burglary, collapse of a partner’s business, even the passing away of a beloved pet, it can sometimes be hard to keep these two worlds apart.
The natural reaction after a traumatic event is to think that you’ll be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and carry on as normal. But, say trauma experts, that is unlikely to be the case. You may be distracted, make more mistakes, suffer mood swings, become withdrawn or even resort to drink or drugs. Your priorities and perceptions about other people may change. All these can have a serious impact on your capability.
Similarly, when something bad happens to a colleague, it can impact on the whole office. PAs and secretaries, often at the centre of an office’s communication and social network, may find themselves the natural people to turn to in a crisis. Yet they may feel just as much out of their depth when it comes to offering a shoulder to cry on.
Professor Cary Cooper, professor of organisational psychology and health at Lancaster University Management School, says that bosses, particularly male bosses, will often pass the buck to their secretary or PA, simply because they want the situation to go away. They may find dealing with someone who is upset, tearful or traumatised deeply uncomfortable. “They may do almost anything to avoid having to talk about it or engage with the person, ” he explains.
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Nevertheless, depending on the circumstances, it is usually sensible to keep your boss or other line manager informed when someone has suffered a traumatic event, and what you or others are doing to support them. But with serious trauma, it is always wise to recommend professional advice, adds Professor Cooper.
Similarly, if you are going through a difficult time, telling your boss or line manager, in strict confidence if need be, will help them to make allowances and give you space to recover.
With colleagues, just being prepared to listen and finding the time and space to do so, is one of the biggest helps, says Deidre Maher, co-ordinator for Victim Support. “It’s about being supportive and helping people to talk through their options, and being aware there are organisations that can help. People may not want to talk to a boss about what has happened but, if they are not able to work, you have to find a way to let the manager know that, ” she says.
If the boss has suffered the trauma, it can be doubly problematic, as they may see admitting to a problem as a sign of weakness. But the secretary or PA, because of his or her close relationship, can play a pivotal role, advises Huw Griffiths, manager of Complete Healthcare, a counselling and acupuncture clinic in the City. “Even just being the person who can ask, ‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’, or whatever, can help,” he says.
It’s worth, too, being aware how someone else’s traumatic event can have a knock-on effect on you, warns Kevin Friery, director of counselling of Right Corecare, which provides confidential counselling services to businesses.
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“One manager told me about an administrative colleague whose baby had died when it was just a few months old. Even though the mother, obviously, did not come back to work for some time, a lot of her colleagues were very upset too,” he explains.
The head of the secretarial team took it upon herself to offer support but, because she, too, was distressed, found it extremely hard to deal with this extra responsibility. “She did not have enough emotional skills and strength to cope, so her manager had to get involved,” he adds.
One difficulty is that different people react in different ways. Some may prefer to go home, others may well find the social stimulus and routine of an office takes their minds off the trauma.
Mark Smith (not his real name) lost his father when he was shot and killed in Amsterdam seven years ago and he recognises — now — that he went into delayed shock. “I grieved but I was not grieving properly. It was close to Christmas and close to my birthday and, as the only male of the family, I didn’t feel I could grieve in front of my mum,” says the former office administrator. He threw himself into his work and it was only later, when he developed a serious cocaine habit, that he realised he had a problem and sought therapy. “I basically tried to blank it out, I didn’t really want to talk about it.
“But it’s much better to talk it out and get it out early. You need someone who has been there themselves,” he advises.