My relationships are affected by the fact that I hate talking on the telephone. I worry I’ve caught people at a bad time or I’ll run out of things to say. I spend a lot of time thinking about people, but months can go by without me making contact. Then I think: “Well, they haven’t called me either, perhaps they don’t really want to talk to me.” I fear losing friends and neglecting family. Picking up the phone to say “hello” is probably all it would take, but I always talk myself out of it. What’s going on?
It sounds as if you’re developing a phobia. I sympathise as I used to have a terrible one about driving. In my experience, the best approach is to bore it into submission. I began by sitting in a stationary car, then gradually started driving small distances and built up from there. How about setting one task a day — such as calling a friend who talks a lot so it’s not as stressful? Avoidance or justification (“They haven’t called me either”) will simply make matters worse.
I like the idea of calling my chattier friends first and getting used to making regular calls without the pressure of having to make all the conversation, but how about the bigger ones, such as the old school friend I haven’t seen for ages? Do I have to dive in?
It’s best to take it a step at a time and build up your confidence. Once you feel comfortable, take a bigger step. Don’t worry about the future; just concentrate on what you can do now. As soon as you start projecting (“What if this/that happens?”), you raise your fear levels. Going slowly takes the pressure off.
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What’s a good way to say I’m just calling to say hello? How can I avoid talking over people — something I do all the time and hate? I also find myself not answering the phone. Is it best just to pick up?
Talking over people is simply about nerves. People love to be listened to and it’s such a rare quality these days. Ask a question and allow them to talk rather than thinking you must respond immediately. As for answering the phone, it is best just to pick up. Remember, they’ve called because they care about you. It’s not a test.
Hypnotherapy is also very helpful in addressing phobias www.general-hypnotherapy-register.com
If you would like to share a problem with Sally for this column, you can enter into email correspondence at sallyinbrief@sunday-times.co.uk. The question must be short and she is unable to respond to everybody who contacts her