A male friend has been in love with me for four years. I adore him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm single again and we've decided to give a relationship a go, but there's a huge stumbling block: the attraction factor. I'm comforted by him and comfortable in his presence, but feel no searing passion. Can it work?
Can you tell me why you want a relationship, rather than what's obviously a good, solid friendship?
In the pursuit of a perfect relationship, I zero in on non-negotiables such as intellect, wit and empathy, and we share all these and more. There's care, respect and genuine concern. Our beliefs and temperaments are aligned well, as are our interests. When I look at all that, I realise how difficult it would be to find them in someone else.
I still don't feel you're answering the question. You can find all those qualities in a good friendship. Your way of looking at the relationship seems strangely dispassionate. What about love?
I do love him, but it isn't the kind of love where one beep of a text message makes my heart skip a beat. He's been a huge part of my life, despite two failed relationships on my side, and he's been in love with me all that time, so it's hard to know whether I should sacrifice passion for unconditional love, lifelong security and dedication.
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I think you need to ask yourself whether it's really enough for you. I don't believe relationships work unless there's at least a degree of passion in the early stages. If he's so in love with you and the relationship fails, aren't you in danger of losing a good friendship, as well as hurting him beyond repair? Isn't it a bit selfish?
I know what we have isn't enough, which is why I'm questioning it. The passion is mostly from his side, not mine, but I've been in intensely passionate superficial relationships before. I don't know if passion is enough to sustain a relationship, but I know trust and friendship is. I've been honest with him, so I don't think I'm being selfish.
Of course passion alone isn't enough, but nor is friendship alone - otherwise, why not just settle for friendship? You might be honest with him, but it may be that he's not honest with you, because he's so in love he'll agree to anything. I'm sorry, but I can only see heartbreak written all over this, for both of you. It feels like too much of a compromise to have a happy ending.
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If you have a problem, you can e-mail Sally at sallyinbrief @sunday-times.co.uk. A short correspondence may be entered into, after which no more contact can be made