BUYING A SUIT
Like architecture and typography, a suit is built up out of minor variations on inherited wisdom. Small deviations speak loudly. “Never in your dress altogether desert that taste which is general,” advises Bulwer-Lytton. “The world considers eccentricity in great things genius, in small things folly.” Your first couple of suits should be dark blue or dark grey. Black suits, apart from evening clothes and at funerals (and even here navy is perfectly correct), look cheap.
First learn to wear with ease a plain navy suit, white shirt and solid navy tie, which is not as easy as it sounds. Once you have developed an eye for the basics, you can turn to other cloths — chalk stripes, checks, Prince of Wales tweeds, corduroy, even velvet.
Price does not guarantee that a suit will look good, and indeed the most expensive suits, selected without a practised eye, are often unattractive and ill-fitting. There are a number of details that signify a well-made suit: pocket flaps; sewn rather than fused canvas lining; a button as opposed to zip fly; side adjusters instead of belt loops; working cuff buttons; matching lining inside the pocket flaps and jacket; a thread behind the buttonhole on the left lapel to hold stems.
While most men’s suits are ready-made, having a suit tailored brings with it the possibility of improved fit and the choice of cloth, lining, vents, pockets and button placement.
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There are two kinds of tailoring: made-to-measure and bespoke. A made-to-measure suit costs half again the price of a suit off-the-peg. The suit is made to a fixed pattern, but adapted to one’s basic measurements: chest, waist, arms, legs and back. These details are sent away and made into a suit. When the finished product is returned, only small further changes can be made, like waist size or trouser length. A bespoke suit, on the other hand, is assembled on site over the course of a number of fittings (and costs twice as much as made-to-measure). Attention to detail is paramount, and much effort will be made to ensure a perfect fit. But beware of the tailor’s eye for human defects: few men are constructed in the image of Ideal Man , and the tailor will spot and adjust for any peculiarities ruthlessly.
Keep in mind that a tailor is only as demanding as his client, so it is important to be a stickler for details. When having clothes made, one learns by mistakes, and your first suit will not be your favourite, so it is wise to begin with an inexpensive tailor. The principal signs that a suit has been tailored is the absence of a label and the choice of lining, which is customarily bolder than ready-made linings. Burgundy is traditional, with crimson, salmon pink and bottle green also smart. Light and royal blue tend to conflict with blue shirts.
CAN YOU ASK GUESTS NOT TO SMOKE?
Is it acceptable to ban guests from smoking in one’s house?
James Leavey, editor of the FOREST Guide to Smoking in London, advises: “There are those who will not permit any smoking in their home. It is their prerogative but of course their smoking guests may consider this antisocial.
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“It is unkind to confront a heavy smoker in your home with the fact that he or she will have to suffer a smoke-free evening. Better to warn your guests when you invite them, so they can decide whether or not to turn down your invitation.”
John Morgan, the late author of Debrett’s New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners, concurred. “If you as host hate the habit, you can legitimately never invite smokers. However, it is not appropriate to forbid a guest to smoke in your house once he or she is there. Yet a sensitive smoker will realise when his habit is not welcome and adjust his behaviour, standing near an open window or keeping his smoking to a minimum. It is not unheard of for one guest to indicate annoyance at another’s smoking. “As host, the easiest solution is to isolate not the smoker but the complaining guest: ‘Let’s step outside for a chat on the balcony while John finishes his cigarette’.”
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THE ETIQUETTE OF THE URINAL: KNOW YOUR P’S AND Q’S
There is an unstated code of behaviour in men’s public loos which is surprisingly universal.
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No pairing
Unlike women, men visit the lavatory entirely for practical reasons, and it is always suspect to follow a friend to the loo immediately.
No talking
Terse conversation in the loo can take place before and after, but not during, use of the urinals.
No looking
Eyes should be aimed straight ahead or down in concentration; glances towards your neighbour are very suggestive.
No touching
Hands should be in front of you. An elbow bump can be deflated by a sober apology, but without turning the head.
Urinal occupation rules
When faced with an array of urinals to choose from, which one should you take.
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BIG SHOES
A number of features are said to predict the size of a man’s privy parts, including:
Height, length of nose, distance between thumb and finger at 90 degrees and shoe size. A recently published study casts doubt on the last and most persistent of these theories, namely, that the size of the foot and penis correlate. (J. Shah & N. Christopher, British Journal of Urology International, 90, 586 (2002).)
The two urologists conclude: “The median stretched penile length for the sampled population was 13cm and the median UK shoe size was 9 (European 43). There was no statistically significant correlation between shoe size and stretched penile length.”
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR SHAVING
The average man will shave his beard approximately 15,000 times in his lifetime, spending a total of 80 full days.
So it is worth considering how this essential ritual is best executed.
Shaving comprises three steps: (1) pre-shave; (2) shave; and (3) post-shave.
1. The most important ingredient for shaving with a razor is water.
Not only should the face be wet, but the skin and whiskers should also have absorbed water.
If you can’t shave right after a shower, rinse your face generously with hot water a couple of minutes before shaving. Then, using a brush or your hand, lather cream on to the face for at least 15 seconds.
2. Using a sharp razor, apply short strokes along the grain of growth.
Don’t press down — a light contact will do if the blade is sharp.
Begin with the least dense areas and finish with the densest: the sides, then cheeks, neck, upper lip, lower lip and chin.
Though shaving against the grain may cause later irritation, the best barbers finish by shaving across the grain.
3. Rinse your face with cold water to remove cream and close pores. Press small cuts with wet paper, then dry paper, or apply an alum block.
A skin cream at this stage would not go amiss (although no eyebrow-plucking).
If using a brush, rinse it in warm water, shake out the excess and stand the brush to dry.
IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN
Benjamin Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack was one of the bestselling books in New England before the American War of Independence. As well as astronomical data, a calendar of the year, prognostications and verse, it offered many maxims on moderation in vice. Many concerned the restraint of sensuality. Privately, however, he held more pragmatic views.
In a letter to “My dear Friend”, thought by some to be his son, Franklin contrasts relations with an older woman and a younger.
Reasons to prefer old mistresses to young
1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility . . . And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
4. Because through more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
5. Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, then the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.
6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
7. Because the compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you . . . bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.
8thly and lastly. They are so grateful!
Taken from: The Man’s Book by Thomas Fink, Weidenfeld & Nicolson £9.99. Available for £9.49 from Times BooksFirst, 0870 1608080, www.timesonline.co.uk/booksbuyfirst