A hotel for every stage of a relationship

The first weekend abroad

Venice? No, we must pace ourselves if we're in this for the long haul. Paris? I've yet to find a hotel that is both romantic and not frighteningly expensive in Paris. St Tropez? You're not Jack Nicholson.

No, you're going for the shabby-chic delight that is the Abbaye de Valloires, just over an hour south of Calais. The location will weed out any gold-diggers because it doesn't sound great... but it is. This-could-be-the-Dordogne D roads take you meanderingly to the imposing 18th-century chateau and your fabulous though "classically" furnished suite overlooking the gardens. You can have a very posh, very romantic dinner at La Grenouillère (00 33-3 21 06 07 22), about 20 minutes away, if the urge takes you.

The only urge that shouldn't take you is to book one of the cloister rooms that face into the quad rather than out. They're not a patch on the suites, and I don't want you blaming me when The One™ leaves you for less of a cheapskate.

Suites from £97, with continental breakfast; 03 22 29 62 33, abbaye-valloires.com

The proposal

I know a chap who took his girlfriend of several years to Paris. She was desperate to get married, and he knew it. So he wined and dined her, whispered sweet nothings, then marched her to the top of the Eiffel Tower. There, he dropped to one knee and she took a very deep breath. He tied his shoelace and marched her back down again, smirking. Such was her sense of anticipation, she burst into tears and only then, next to the hot-dog stand, did he ask for her hand in marriage.

You don't need to be so cruel. Tradition and beauty are what's required here. In other words, Bailiffscourt, a stunning country-house hotel just behind the dunes of Climping, West Sussex. Do your speech in the dunes, go for a wild walk together, go back for a gourmet dinner you'll be too pleased with yourself to eat, then brace yourself for months and months of questions about napkins and flowers and John Lewis gift lists. There is a spa if you wake up the next morning, realise you've made a terrible mistake and require a stress-busting rub, or a hot tub if you don't.

Dinner, bed and breakfast from £290 in Wymcrofte, a superior double with a fireplace; 01903 723511, hshotels.co.uk

The first anniversary

Skipping ahead now because (a) I'm being positive about your beautiful relationship and (b) the honeymoon hotel requires far more thought and planning than we have space for here. So... a year already. Hasn't it flown by? You're still (relatively) young, you're still relatively hip and you have no children. Make the most of it. Go ultra-urban.

The Zetter, in it's-so-nice-not-to-be-in-the-West-End Clerkenwell, has the feel of a New York hostelry. The (Argentinian) chef uses citrus, chilli, ginger and pork belly in his refreshing cuisine. And the (not Argentinian) mixologists do the same (excluding the pork bellies) in their even more refreshing cocktails...

I usually hate cocktails, but these ones are distinctly umbrella-free and zingy. The rooms are small but perfectly formed and keenly priced (from £170), unless you do what you must and book the Rooftop Dinner for Two package (£450). You get the rooftop suite with its sexy private terrace. You will drink champagne. Dinner will be served (by the course rather than all at once in a metal trolley). And then they'll leave you alone until morning.

020 7324 4444, www.thezetter.com

The second anniversary

No, you still have to celebrate. It's the law. And for a total contrast to last year's trendiness, how about a stop at a restaurant with rooms in Lavenham, Suffolk. The Great House, run by the French so the food is excellent, was built absolutely ages ago.

Room Three is in the oldest part of the hotel, with 14th-century ceilings, a window onto the courtyard below and sherry for you to toast your not-very-long union. The trick is to stay on Sunday night... the restaurant is closed in the evening, so it's nice and quiet. And you won't need much more than a sandwich after a long, lazy lunch (£29) in the restaurant. It's also £90 a night rather than £150.

01787 247431, www.greathouse.co.uk

The fifth anniversary

I'm going to assume you now have children. If you don't, please continue enjoying hip hotels and swanning out for dinner and not going to the supermarket in your pyjamas because you forgot to get dressed because you haven't had a good night's sleep for a year. But if you have gone forth and multiplied, there are very few places that can do kids and romance. The Grove in Hertfordshire is one of them. When we stayed, I only stretched to a room in the modern annexe, but we loved it: beautiful grounds, friendly, understanding staff and restaurants where you aren't treated as if you have an especially virulent form of swine flu simply because you have a baby strapped to your chest.

We cycled, we watched movies, we ate ice cream... if it had been summer, we would have lolled by the "beach", an impressively passable attempt at a beach, given this is (landlocked) Hertfordshire. It was like being on a first date, only with two children following us around. There is, of course, a posh kids' club (it's called Anouska's, how posh is that?) and a spa if you want to ditch the little ones and get rid of the knots.

Deluxe doubles in the West Wing from £350, B&B, with an extra children's bed and cot; 01923 807807, thegrove.co.uk

Tenth wedding anniversary

I'm just guessing here, but there's a chance the magic will have worn off by now. Ten years of relentless marriage with a side order of exhausting children? Time for something a bit special. That would be Manhattan. And the Soho House hotel. What you'll save on the cheap flights, you can splash out on a Playground room. It's stylish, loft-apartment, down-with-the-kids cool and it's 950 sq ft, which means nothing to me or you, but is enough room to swing cats or, more logically, each other around in. You also get access to the Soho House members' club and you're slap-bang in the middle of the Meatpacking District, still the hippest bit of NYC. Tenth anniversaries deserve a bit of hip. The hip whip in the minibar is yours for £52.

Playground £890, B&B, or squeeze into a 425 sq ft Playroom for £430; 00 1 212 627 9800, sohohouseny.com

The affair

I'm not going to help you. I'm just not. This is a family newspaper and you're being very, very naughty, you naughty person, you. If I was going to say anything, which I'm not, I'd say this is where the central-London five-star comes into its own. What the concierge saw stays with the concierge. The Ritz, the Waldorf, the InterCon... good room service, bouncy beds, total discretion. Sure, you'll wake up feeling sad and hollow, but at least you're not in a Travelodge. That could be too much to bear.

Twenty-fifth anniversary

Well done you. You put your troubles behind you. You got through the difficult years. The thing with that bitch Samantha is long-forgotten. Pretty much. You can sail off into the sunset together. A class marriage deserves a class long weekend.

Combe House hotel in Devon is just the place. A jaw-droppingly beautiful manor with NO horrible add-on spa, NO annoying golf course and NO modern annexe of naff rooms overflowing with trouser presses.

The food is excellent, romantic country walks are all around, and the stresses and strains of modern life are a million miles away. Unless, of course, she forgot to pack your slippers.

Or he refused to bring a map because he thought he knew the way and now we're completely lost and it's getting dark and why can't we stop and ask someone for directions? Wouldn't that be sensible? Oh, you're so obstinate. No, you are. No, you are. No, you are.

Doubles from £190, B&B; 01404 540400, thishotel.com

Online exclusive

Matt Rudd's debut novel, William Walker's First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story (Harper Press £6.99), is out this week.

If you're brave enough, Matt has devised a quiz to determine whether your loved one is right for you. And regardless of whether it turns out he or she definitely is or definitely isn't, we're giving away a romantic weekend for two at Bailiffscourt hotel, the West Sussex gem featured in this article. That should ease the pain. Go to timesonline.co.uk/relationships.

To buy a copy of the book for £6.64, including p&p, call The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0845 271 2135 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst