THAT: on this Thirtieth Day of June in the year Two Thousand and Five, we the British people do prohibit:
Any statement, broadcast or public appearance, for a period of not less than two months, by the Hon Bob Geldof KBE and Paul David Hewson also known by the alias “Bono”; and for a period not exceeding five years, by the Right Hon Charles Rodway Clarke MP, also known as “Home Secretary”.
That any of the aforementioned found in possession of or within 50 metres proximity to a microphone, this Order shall be deemed breached.
THAT we the British people do prohibit: Maria Sharapova from “grunting” at a frequency greater than once a minute and at a decibel level higher than that likely to reach the ears of the first row of spectators on Centre Court Wimbledon, London SW19 — or needlessly disturb those who might be watching at home on television — on any date up to and including July 4th;
AND THAT we do prohibit the following words from any address made by any candidate in the contest for leadership of the Conservative and Unionist Party — positive, modern, compassionate, “need an honest debate”, connect, “unafraid to rethink” — this prohibition to be extant until 2021 or the day a new leader is confirmed, whichever falleth the sooner; and the following words from appearing together in any place — Blunkett/Kimberly, Esther/Rantzen, post/modern.
Advertisement
THAT we the British people believe the aforementioned behaviour to have caused and be likely further to cause harassment, alarm or distress, and this Order to be necessary for the protection of persons from further anti-social behaviour by the said defendants.