From The Sunday Times Travel Magazine
£255 - Le Bellechasse
'This is art, dammit. Baroque and berserk'
Sleep? Don't expect to - you'll spend the night looking for clues when you hole up in Le Bellechasse, a mere brushstroke away from the Musée d'Orsay. Fantastical collages of louche nudes, men with butterfly wings, pack-of-card knaves, masked ladies, and strange images jostle, nudge and wink for your attention - all sewn together by master couturier Christian Lacroix.
As you'd expect, there's nothing prêt-à-porter about it. All 34 rooms (soundproofed, wi-fi'd and with the obligatory flatscreen TVs) are statements - writ large - clothed in bold colours, some with open bathtubs taking centre stage.
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Materials collide in a delicious confection of velvet, taffeta, brocade and snakeskin - an invitation to touch, stroke and caress. It's a masterpiece of wit, with a touch of grotesque-verging-on-the-macabre thrown in: a heady concoction not for minimalists (or estate agents).
And light sleepers beware: room decor is challenging rather than soothing, daring your brain to decode obscure meanings, images that mess with your mind (well at least you won't be bored). Your dreams could turn into visions, your nightmares take new turns. This is art, dammit. Baroque and berserk. Just stay off the cheese.
Hôtel Le Bellechasse (00 33 1 45 502231, www.lebellechasse.com) has doubles from £255, B&B.
£64 - Hôtel du 7e Art
'Camp and colourful - this is pure kitsch'
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It's showtime, folks! And the name says it all. The 'seventh art' is cinema, and the hotel's chunky logo recalls Hollywood's heady heydays.
The 7e is no glamour puss, though. It's pure kitsch - all colour and clamour, and as camp as you like. The place pays tribute to a time when films were about stars, and stars were larger than life.
The lobby and bar are stuffed with movie memorabilia - a cheeky Donald Duck here, a Laurel and Hardy bust there, with posters and cinematic paraphernalia galore. You don't have to be a film fanatic to enjoy this place, but if that's what makes your show reel, book a seat now.
And if the 23 rooms pale by comparison, at least they're clean and simply furnished (but whoever thought drab brown would make a good accent colour should be consigned to the cutting-room floor). Book No.42 at the top - you'll need some puff to get there (there's no lift), but you'll be rewarded with a characterful
refuge under oak-beamed rafters. Fling open the windows for a close-up of the rooftops of Paris.
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This is the capital at its most cheap and cheerful, and the 7e's location - in the heart of the trendy Marais district - makes this a fab French connection.
Film fan or no - this is a steal.
Hôtel du 7e Art (00 33 144 548500, www.paris-hotel-7art.com) has doubles from £64, room only.
£120 - Hôtel Saint Merry
'You feel you're in church - which you are'
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You might feel like falling to your knees in prayer when you get to your room in this bijou B&B near the Pompidou. You wouldn't be the first. It used to be the presbytery of the Saint Merri Church next door, and there's a distinct whiff of the religious in the air.
Elaborately carved woodwork, pulpits, pews and a confessional conspire to create a hushed cosy reverence - a heavenly haven, where whispering feels de rigueur.
It's a complete Gothic fantasy - all 12 rooms have been lovingly restored with authentic period furniture. Even the carpets have an ecclesiastical motif. And if you feel like you're in church, in room nine (pictured) you really are - the stone arches from Saint Merri butt into it so you sleep virtually in the lap of God.
If you can't stand the thought of all that weighing you down, gasp your way up to the fourth floor (no lift here either), and gasp again at the sheer loveliness of the suite beneath the sloping roof. It's perfect for romance, but sleeps five (and you can bring the dog, too).
There are no TVs to disturb your contemplations (suite excepted), but rooms are wi-fi'd, there are goodies in the bathroom, and staff deliver your luggage (thank the Lord) and breakfast to your room. One stay is all it will take to convert you to this hotel's kooky charms.
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Hotel Saint Merry (00 33 142 781415, www.hotel-saintmerry.com) has doubles from £120, room only.
MORE PARISIAN PECULARITIES
£135 - HOTEL DU PETIT MOULIN
Polka-dot carpets bounce off 17th-century walls, and outlandish images weave into your dreams.
A trendy bolt hole. Doubles from £135, room only (00 33 142 741010, www.hoteldupetitmoulin.com).
£112 - BATEAU PYTHEAS VIVAS
What could be more romantic than a barge on the Seine? You'll need to be nimble, and the accommodation's basic, but you'll breakfast with your charming hosts to stunning river views. Doubles from £112, B&B (www.bed-breakfast-paris.eu; online booking only).
£94 - BONNE NUIT PARIS
Live like a true Parisian in this converted house in the Marais. Book 'Enclos des Templiers' for a characterful, romantic room overlooking a courtyard. Doubles from £94, B&B (00 33 142 717391, www.bonne-nuit-paris.com).
£71 - BATEAU JOHANNA
You can play Captain on this lovely 1930s barge - accommodation includes the wheelhouse, where breakfast is delivered. Beds are squeeze-to-fit cosy (190cm x 125cm) and steps steep - so leave the heels at home. Doubles from £71, B&B (00 33 145 616083, www.bateau.johanna.free.fr).
£56 - HOTEL DE NESLE
Weird and wonderful, the Nesle comes with wacky home-made frescoes, bundles of charm and a winsome garden. Book 'Molière' for decadence, or 'Mélanie' for romance. Doubles from £56, room only (00 33 143 546241, www.hoteldenesleparis.com).
Eurostar has returns from London St Pancras from £59.