January
Fran Lebowitz
Whose documentary series Pretend It’s A City with Martin Scorsese arrived on Netflix in early Jan, reminding lockdown-frazzled viewers that, despite it all, there is still bone-dry wit, irreverence and ferocious contrarianism to be had from this world, to be inhaled, indeed, like cigarette smoke; that taking life desperately seriously isn’t necessarily the greatest way to proceed; that a blazer, button-down shirt, jeans, cowboy boots, sunglasses and a centre parting are a look capable of generating exactly the kind of gushy internet paeans its originator would loathe (but never mind); and that ringing up another famous writer to lambast them for wilfully blurbing the cover of a bad novel, thereby inspiring our heroine to attempt to read it, is an entirely reasonable way to conduct oneself. They don’t give out awards for authenticity, but they really should; in the meantime, Lebowitz will have to make do with this accolade, which, presumably, she’ll loathe too (but never mind).
Andréa Martel
Season four of Call My Agent! erupted onto our screens, and straight women everywhere thought themselves terribly modern for having a massive crush on its fictional lesbian lead.
Wayne Lineker
The less famous Lineker, who made his debut on a Covid-friendly version of reality show Celebs Go Dating on the heels of a contentious 2020 Instagram advert for a new girlfriend (edited highlights: “You must like older men but only me… You have to be a worldie and above 30 (Ok 28 29 could work) but not my age [58] as that would just look weird…”), where he proved himself to be… exactly what you’d expect, really. Anti-hero to the point of pin-up.
Joe Wicks
For farting on his PE with Joe live stream.
Bernie Sanders
For wearing mittens to Biden’s inauguration.
February
Jackie Weaver
Possibly the most unintentional internet sensation of all time. A lone voice of reason (and arguably Lebowitz-grade wit) at a terribly lively Zoom December parish council meeting, the footage of which went viral, spawned catchphrases and related merchandise (“You have no authority here, Jackie Weaver!”; “Read the standing orders! READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM!”, “Julie’s iPad”), made a chat show star/Times interview subject of Weaver, and mercifully distracted everyone else from the pernicious scourge of the sea shanty.
Rod Ponton
The “I Am Not A Cat” man, of the second most popular errant Zoom of the month. Just one lawyer, struggling with a Zoom filter.
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March
Prince William
Tricky to find the faintest whiff of pin-uppery potential in the turmoil of Meghan and Harry’s Oprah interview (which aired on March 7 in the US), the closest we can sniff out is Prince William’s “We are very much not a racist family” of March 11.
Ted Hastings
Great head of hair, equally great line in quasi-blasphemous hyperbole, all showcased in Line of Duty, most watched show of that moment.
April
The Queen
Who broke even the most republican of hearts sitting alone at the funeral for her husband, the Duke of Edinburgh.
May
Will Smith
Sent his lockdown-embellished dad bod viral this month, like a calendar model for the age of inclusivity. “I’m gonna be real wit y’all – I’m in the worst shape of my life,” he declared on social media, an act the young people would probably call “relatable”. (Assuming they still do that? Anyone?)
June
The entire England squad and Gareth Southgate
Such beautiful hope they gave us, with such grace.
Kaleb Cooper
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A TV show documenting petrolhead and national contrarian Jeremy Clarkson’s attempts to farm his own land shouldn’t have worked, yet turned out to be some of the cleverest, most affecting, most amusing telly anyone had seen in ages, thanks in no small part to the contribution of 21-year-old Kaleb, whose comic timing, multiple hairstyles, knowledge of the locations of all the best potato-throwing parties, and ability to, you know, farm, made a breakout star of him, and never mind he’s never really left Chipping Norton because he doesn’t see the point.
July
Bennifer
Following months of giddy speculation, confirmation actress and singer Jennifer Lopez had indeed rekindled her love affair with actor Ben Affleck came via a razzley-dazzley set of Instagram images captured on the deck of a superyacht (the spiritual home of this coupling through the ages), in celebration of Lopez’s 52nd birthday. How the world rejoiced! This reunion has it all: rebirth and redemption (Lopez and Affleck originally dated in the early Noughties, but called off their engagement for reasons of both of them being too famous), nostalgia for a simpler time (2002), and snogging on superyachts. Who knows if it’ll last? Who cares? This was the first bit of celebrity gossip that had the ability to truly stir us since Covid, give or take Pete Davidson and Daphne Bridgerton. That was good.
August
Tom Daley
Turns out sometimes all any of us need to feel OK is Tom Daley knitting by the side of an Olympic pool.
Teddy from Love Island
Whose equanimity in the face of girlfriend Faye’s rages, born of an instinctual grasp of the vulnerabilities inspiring them, was an emotionally evolved joy to behold.
Paris Hilton
Let there be no end to the variety and breadth and magnitude of this one socialite heiress, her reinventions and her comebacks! This latest came in the form of Netflix cookery show Cooking With Paris (after which she got married).
Armond from The White Lotus
Before Ted Lasso (see September) came this strutting argument for the sexual potency of the bigger moustache. Dashing, tortured, funny, self-destructive, single-handedly responsible for the Great Hawaiian Shirt Revival of late summer ’21.
September
Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s (possibly fictional) friend’s testicles
Somehow became ground zero on a Covid vaccination row that ended up inspiring a live, at-podium rebuttal from Chris Whitty, a voice note from singer Minaj to Boris Johnson (in which the 38-year-old claimed to have gone to school with Margaret Thatcher), and culminated in a Twitter spat between Minaj and Laura Kuenssberg (who else?).
Ted Lasso
Stormed the Emmys, thus alerting those of us not yet aware that sometimes the only other thing any of us need to feel OK is a fictional American football coach transplanted to the UK to transform the fortunes of a failing Premier League football side, mainly via the medium of unbridled optimism and core decency (aided by a moustache).
Emma Raducanu
Something to do with tennis? And joyfulness and youth and the potent scent of future greatness and chocolate?
Abba
And after all: they came back.
October
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William Shatner
Went to space, returned to Earth, wept.
HoYeon Jung
Squid Game became the most watched show Netflix had ever released this month, thanks in no small part to its mesmerising lead, who managed to combine a ruthless streak, intense vulnerability, the momentum of tragedy, and a winning way with a regulation teal tracksuit.
Cousin Greg
Providing the strange and entirely necessary relief of bumbling awkwardness to the otherwise unrelentingly slick, acerbic banter of Succession season three.
November
Peppa Pig
Unwittingly found herself, and her World, at the heart of an epic political fandango, as a byword for our prime minister’s suggested incompetence, and referenced in the handle of new leaky Westminster antagonist “the chatty pig”, who in briefing the BBC called Johnson “shambolic”, on the subject of which…
Liam Booth-Smith
Top aide to Rishi Sunak, named as a possible chatty pig (although, to be fair, so is Allegra Stratton – both deny it).
Rose and Giovanni
Strictly Come Dancing’s first deaf contestant, Rose Ayling-Ellis, and professional dance partner Giovanni Pernice danced on through a full ten seconds of silence, and there was not a dry eye in the country.
Paulina Porizkova
The 56-year-old supermodel launched a one-woman campaign against ageism via the medium of Instagram, a nude selfie, and an extraordinary response to some bloke who’d told her, at her age, she should “be bathing in the love of her grandkids”, not “parading around half-naked”.
Paul Rudd
People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, 2021. (We could have told them that.)
Amol Rajan
Stirring up the hornet’s nest in slimline shirt and diamond ear stud in The Princes and the Press.
Jonathan Van-Tam
Omicron emerged, JVT attacked it with football analogies that some considered “laboured”, yet left others asking if he’d “jumped the shark”. They’re missing the point, of course. JVT’s analogy game borrows heavily on the dad joke tradition: repetition, silliness and a wantonly strained conceit are precisely why they work. Ergo: pin-up!
December
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Cher
Revealed as May in the 2022 Pirelli calendar. (Jennifer Hudson’s July, Iggy Pop’s August and a guitar is December – how modern.)
Henry Cavill
Season 2 of The Witcher returns to Netflix, and the man with the second sexiest disapproving grunt on TV after Roy Kent of Ted Lasso – the Witcher, played by Cavill – promises to perk up festivities in the way only monosyllabic grumpbag men can. (See also The Grinch.)
George Clooney
For: “Turning 60 is a bummer. But it’s that or dead.”
