My husband is blackmailing me to have sex with him
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband says he’ll end his affair if I agree to regular sex with him again, not only does that feel like twisted blackmail but it’s also impossible.
I’m a woman of 50 and my husband is 53. Five years ago, I had a terrible accident in Majorca coming off my bike down a steep hill, breaking my leg and pelvis.
I was in hospital for almost a month after an operation to put me back together with metal plates. My husband was by my side throughout it all.
I had to give up my job and I’m on very strong pain medication even now. My mobility was reduced and I can no longer have sex.
Sex was a big part of our relationship and I miss it. I feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to be close anymore and my husband knows that. But he has always reassured me that he’s coping and that he’d never leave me.
But last week, crying he admitted he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague for over six months. He was considering leaving for her.
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I was so shocked. I had no clue. Apparently he couldn’t live with the deception any longer.
He told me that she is 45 and a divorcee. He said they had been meeting every week when I thought he was meeting friends in the pub.
The sex has has made him realise what he’s missing.
Now he tells me he will stay with me as I am the one he truly loves - as long as I agree to regular intimacy.
I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how I can agree to something I simply can’t do.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s being selfish emotionally blackmailing you. If he truly loves you, he can find sexual relief in other ways without cheating and destroying your marriage.
If you can’t have intercourse, it doesn’t mean you can’t be close and enjoy intimacy.
Find a moment to explain to him that unless the medical professionals can make you pain free, then the old you as you know it is gone.
As challenging as that reality is you can still reinvent yourselves as a new couple and get help from a counsellor through The College of Psychosexual and Relationship Therapists (www.cosrt.org.uk, tel: 020 8106 9635).
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? explains more about counselling and where you go from here.