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JEREMY CLARKSON
If you’re worried about Sir Keir Starmer as PM, you needn’t be – I know why you don’t have to
In the grand scheme of things, the arrival of Sir Starmer is pretty inconsequential
DOING the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
But here we are, once more, with a Labour government.
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In the past they’ve given us a winter of discontent, strikes, riots, an illegal war and at one point they waited for gold to reach its lowest price on the international market before selling the country’s entire reserve.
This time round we can’t be sure what will go wrong because their manifesto was so woolly and vague.
But we can be certain something will. It always does with this lot.
I have a terrible feeling, though, that with Starmer it’ll be worse than ever, because I fear that underneath his Playmobil hair, he’s a card-carrying socialist who’s supported by a vegan, Britain-hating BLT+ army with a rainbow flag that features seven colours. Red, red, red, red, red, red and red.
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I’m sure many of you feel the same way this morning so I’m going to try to cheer you up by publishing a picture of the Voyager One space probe, which is four billion miles away from Earth.
Consider what’s going on here. From that distance our planet looks peaceful and serene, like a little blue bauble, but it’s rotating at 1,000 miles an hour and hurtling round the sun at a rate of 18.5miles a second.
Not so worried about the new 20mph speed limits any more, are you? And there’s more. The sun, the Earth and all the other planets in our solar system are orbiting the Milky Way at half a million miles an hour and the Milky Way itself isn’t just sitting there.
It’s whizzing round at 130 miles per second, while spearing through space at a dizzying 1.2million mph.
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What’s more, that hyper-ballistic blue pearl in the picture was formed by forces beyond our comprehension 4.6billion years ago.
Keir vows ‘change begins NOW’ after Labour sweeps Rishi out of No10
That’s a number so enormous we can’t get our heads round it, so let’s say it was formed on New Year’s Day. It burped and exploded for a while and then, on November 18, animals started to appear.
By December 1 these animals had four legs and things were looking good.
But then on Boxing Day, an annoying asteroid crashed into what we now call Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula, and most of the life was extinguished.
But it came back, and on New Year’s Eve, at about 11.35pm, humans arrived on the scene. And 30 seconds before midnight, these meat-covered skeletons made from star dust built Stonehenge.
In the big scheme of things, then, the arrival of Sir Starmer is pretty inconsequential.
Yes, he will ruin this little rock in the North Atlantic and he will steal all our money and spend it stupidly.
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And he’ll do nothing to try to stop the boats and he will allow such rampant wokery in the workplace that every employer will up sticks and move to somewhere more sensible. Like North Korea. Or Rockall.
But hey. It’s not like he’s going to be around for long. Five years? Maybe less. Which in geological time isn’t even measurable. Then we can put everything back together again and pretend he never happened.
I'll stick to jeans, thanks
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DZHUS is a funky clothing company and as they’re Ukrainian, I wish them well.
But I fear that their range might not catch on. In essence, they’ve produced a selection of clothes which can be worn in different ways.
Shoe laces as shirts and trousers as hats. That sort of thing. I’m sure that this is all very clever, but look.
I could wear a chair as a shirt and a tea towel as a sock. But I’m not going to.
Belief a dying trend
THE Church of England has announced that congregations are donating less to the collection plate on a Sunday.
In the olden days, they could expect a few pound notes, the odd half crown and maybe a few buttons. But today, the pickings are slim.
And top vicars fear this may be because churchgoers are alarmed by the CoE’s recent announcement that it will cough up £100million as a way of saying sorry for all the slavery that happened under its watch all those years ago.
It’s reckoned the people are happy to hand over their loose change if it’ll be spent on a new roof or a lick of paint in the vestry. But not if it’s going to pay for a crime no one alive today committed.
Well that may be so. But I wonder if there might be another reason that the donations are dwindling.
Churchgoers tend to be old. And old people, I’m afraid, have a habit of dying.
Drive to net zero
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GOOGLE is one of those right-on companies that likes to be BLT+ friendly and environmentally spotless.
It even announced recently that by 2030 it would achieve net zero.
But that now seems like an impossible dream, because figures just out show that last year it produced a staggering 48 per cent more carbon dioxide than it did in 2019.
The company says that the huge amounts of power needed for its AI operations are to blame and I’m sure that’s right.
But this is the funny thing. We like to think that when we post a picture on social media, it’s not harming the environment at all. But it is.
Because that picture has to be stored and the storage facility gets hot and needs to be cooled.
One recent survey suggested that each post on Instagram produces as much CO2 as driving a car 1.3 metres.
So when you see all those young eco-mentalists posting a never-ending stream of minute-long videos about how they want to just stop oil, it’s the same as endlessly driving a Range Rover up and down the M6.
A SACKED bus- iness executive has been awarded more than £3million after it emerged his boss called him an “old fossil”.
This is good news, because just yester- day, my farm manager, Kaleb Cooper, used exactly the same term to describe me.
The bill’s in the post, mate.
I SEE Liz Truss lost her seat and will now be looking for work.
I’ll give her a job. I’ve just bought a pub and I need someone to clean the lavatories.
Then she’ll know how annoying it is to have to clear up someone else’s s**t.
lIF you wee in the sea while swimming off a Spanish beach, you now face a 750 euro fine.
I shouldn’t worry though, because that’s the joy of relieving yourself underwater.
No one ever knows.
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I BOUGHT some cows recently and while weighing them this week I noticed that the ear tag number of one of them is 605-405.
I’ve called her Two Peugeots.