Women cheat because they LOVE their husbands… and it’s more about orgasms than intimacy (says woman who spent a year interviewing female cheats)
Professor Alicia Walker found frustrated women think affairs make them 'better wives' - and do it to 'save' their marriage
WOMEN cheat because they LOVE their husbands and want to save their marriages, according to a new book.
Author Alicia Walker spent a year interviewing cheating wives and her findings will stun you.
Of over 50 cheaters the Missouri State University professor spoke to, only three wanted out of their marriages - while most women thought the affairs made them BETTER wives.
Only 5 per cent of female cheaters get caught (compared with 17 per cent of men), she discovered, so the risks were low but the rewards high.
Determined to figure out why women cheat if they don't intend to split from their husbands, the mum-of-three put a request for case studies on married dating site Ashley Madison.
Speaking exclusively to Fabulous Online, Alicia, 47, revealed: "More than half of the women I talked to (26 to be precise) said, 'I’m in a sexless marriage or I'm not having orgasms, and that’s why I’m cheating'.
"They made no bones about it. It wasn’t ‘I had an affair and I fell in love’.
"It was very much this calculated, deliberate decision to get what they were missing from their marriages, which for them was orgasms, and they were really cheating to stay married which was quite surprising.
"They all said ‘I’ve been in this marriage, it’s been like this for years, so either I cheat and I get someone to get me the orgasms I need, or I’m going to leave my husband’."
Alicia has shared the revelations in a book called The Secret Lives Of Cheating Wives.
Married Tiffany, 47, told her: "There was only so much of 'taking care of yourself' before the lack of sex drove me crazy."
While Gabrielle, 45, said: "I was on my knees sobbing and the decision came: I have to cheat or I will leave him. Done."
And Joy, 34, simply explained: "I was horny. I snapped."
Alicia's six reasons women cheat
- Trying to save their marriage
- Not enough sex at home
- It makes them feel empowered
- Regaining control of their lives
- They want a 'variety' of sex
- For emotional reasons
Alicia added: "A lot of these women had not had sex with their husbands in years, some of them decades, so a sex desert if you will.
"Some of the stories were kind of heartbreaking. One of the women said her husband had some kind of health issue.
"She talked a lot about how painful it was, because she was so in love with him, and he was really the sexual partner she wanted.
"But eventually she grew very resentful, even though she’d tell herself that’s totally illogical. He’s not choosing this, this is his health.
I was horny. I snapped.
Joy, 34, married
"But in between living with this deprivation, the constant longing, the resentment, she said ‘I didn’t like who I was in my marriage, because I was taking it out on my husband’.
"Then there were the women who had sexless marriages and they didn’t know why they were sexless, and that was also heartbreaking.
"The husband wouldn’t have sex with them, and they didn’t know what the reason was. The years of rejection was painful."
Alicia's interest in the topic was sparked when she read a study which revealed women were most likely to cheat in their early 40s.
She said: "If people are not shopping for a new mate, if they’re not trying to get caught, then what’s going on?"
I was on my knees sobbing and the decision came: I have to cheat or I will leave him. Done.
Gabrielle, 45, married
During her own research, Professor Walker spoke to American women ranging in ages from 24 to 65, with the majority of them in their early 40s.
She said: "Most of the women said ‘I love my husband’. They talked about what great fathers they were, and what great people they were, and how great of a friend.
"So for them it was ‘either I leave my marriage, I take my kids from my husband, I break my husband’s heart and maybe my own and be single’, or I do this and keep my family together.
"The bulk of the women said the orgasms come first, but they also talked about how it really enabled them to be better wives and better mothers, because the strain of going without their sexual needs being met had been lifted."
She added: "These women were actually vetting partners to avoid emotional attachment to the cheater.
"They specifically sought out men that weren’t going to be a threat to their marriages and their families without getting too emotionally attached.
"So they were really looking for sex without emotion, which is not how we tend to think of how women do things.
"Eight of the women said they were cheating to fulfil some kind of emotional need, but they were definitely in the minority."
Most of the women said ‘I love my husband’. They talked about what great fathers they were, and what great people they were, and how great of a friend.
Alicia also spoke to several men during her research and found, contrary to popular opinion, that it was the blokes who were seeking attachment.
She said: "A bunch of the woman kept multiple lovers at one time, and they used really market terms to talk about them, lacking in sentimentality.
"They’d say they wanted to keep the roster full, they wanted to keep the bench warm, keeping the candy jar full, and they made no apologies.
"So everything you think you know about how cheating work, they were quick to tell me ‘no’.
"All the men they talk to are saying ‘I just want one affair partner’. So the men are trying to recreate monogamy in their affair.
"While the women are saying ‘yes absolutely, you’re my only affair partner’, but they actually have a whole bunch of partners, which was pretty interesting to me."
Women don't pay for membership on Ashley Madison, while blokes pay an introductory fee of £36.50 - which gives them just 100 credits for approaching a potential partner.
Despite this, the women Alicia spoke to were flooded with messages - often reaching triple figures in the first week - putting them firmly in control.
Alicia explained: "They talked about being empowered. In our normal dates women are waiting for men to ask us, whereas online these women were choosing from a massive pool.
Most of them said ‘I don’t have that kind of power anywhere else in my life’. You can see how that could be appealing.
"The women are creating these affairs where they’re only meeting when she wants to, they’re only communicating the way she wants to, the whole relationship centres around the way she wants things to be.
"Most of them said ‘I don’t have that kind of power anywhere else in my life’, marriage doesn’t work that way, my job doesn’t work that way. You can see how that could be appealing."
But, while men spoke about affairs as a confidence boost, Alicia found this was "a by-product" rather than a motivation for the women.
It's also about "regaining control", Alicia added.
"A lot of people talked about how marriage can be confining. These roles as wife and mothers, you have to act a certain way and do certain things to fulfil those roles.
"At the end of the day sometimes there’s not enough space or time or energy for the person you might be outside of those roles. So these affairs are spaces where you can enact a different self.
"There was a lot of exercising of power in these relationships, and I was not expecting to find that at all."
They were all types of different women, there was no real pattern. The thing that kept crossing my mind was, this could be a person I know.
Alicia
After speaking to so many women, Alicia concluded that "a lot of women, but not all, would cheat" if they knew they could get away with it.
She said: "Their biggest concern was protecting that marriage, making sure their husband never found out, it was very much ‘I don’t want to put them through this’, it was about how that husband felt.
"So if there was no way they could do this and not get caught, I don’t think they would cheat. Because they might have to end their marriages in that situation."
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
So why do less women get caught than men?
Alicia revealed: "The women I spoke to fell into two camps – one where the husband’s not paying any attention to what they’re doing, and another one where they had to be very creative about what they’re doing and cover it, with work or with friends.
"They were all extremely cautious women, they were unwilling to take risks that might get them caught.
"There’s texting and emailing and apps, and if someone’s not prowling through your phone, how would they know? Technology’s made it much easier."
Another theory is that women are more observant than men, and therefore better at covering their tracks.
Alicia said: "But you also have to wonder how many people think they’re getting away with something, and in reality their spouses know and are just choosing to let them."
One of the most eye-opening discoveries Alicia made was that the cheating woman could be absolutely anyone - your best friend, your sister, your colleague.
She said: "They were all types of different women, there was no real pattern. The thing that kept crossing my mind was, this could be a person I know.
"This could be my neighbour, my friend, this could be a person I sit at a desk next to. These are women you know."
In related news, this mum claims cheating on her "amazing" husband saved her crumbling marriage.
While Love Island star Hayley Hughes’ family have hit back at rumours she dumped her boyfriend of five years last month to go on show.