I’m in an open relationship, we go to swingers’ clubs monthly but only have sex in the same room – it keeps things fresh
HAVING one lover is thought the norm – but that could all be about to change thanks to a relationship revolution.
Open marriages are becoming more and more popular, with one in 20 couples disregarding monogamy in favour of a more fluid approach.
Rae Michaelson, 42, and husband Josh, 51, have been married for 20 years, but in 2017 they took the decision to live polyamorously — sleeping with other people.
The couple from Billingham, Co Durham, have two grown-up children and Rae, a life coach and actor, believes having an open relationship is the best way for her to be happy.
She says: “After being married to Josh, and being loyal to each other the whole time, after 16 years we realised our relationship wasn’t right.
“There had been situations where we’d been tempted by another person but couldn’t take it further. We didn’t want our marriage to end, but we needed more.
“Eventually a group of friends, who were polyamorous, took us under their wing and explained that our feelings were normal.
“It made us realise perhaps there was another, less conven-tional, way. And in 2017 we took the plunge and I started seeing another man with Josh’s consent.
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“It lasted for a couple of months before he met somebody who wanted a monogamous relationship. That experience was so good and we wanted to continue.
“Since then we mainly do what is classed as a ‘throuple’. We always have sex together as a throuple, but when in individual relationships it is separate. Josh and I still have sex just as a couple as well.”
Rae explains that it’s important to be open about each other’s needs before getting stuck in with additional lovers.
She says: “When we have our extra person over, we are all involved and everyone communicates their wants or desires. If something isn’t right we are all able to communicate this and change it around so it does work.”
For Rae and Josh, sex within their throuple will happen in their own home. She says: “It is usually at our house, but sometimes it is round the ‘extra’s’ house.
“As long as both people are respectful, there aren’t any issues with jealousy. I know that I’m Josh’s main partner, or ‘prime’ as it is known, and it’s the same for him.”
UNCONVENTIONAL
A third of us are open to the poly lifestyle, and 40 per cent of 18 to 24-year-olds are keen to try it, according to new research by sexual wellness brand Lelo.
Celebrity psychologist Emma Kenny can understand why so many couples are becoming fed up of conforming to relationship norms.
She says: “Stereotypes are shifting. People no longer feel constrained by traditional roles.
“And the sexual rebellion that has ensued, particularly since the advent of social media and dating apps, means people are expanding their attitudes to what makes a perfect relationship.
“And we are noting a rise in polyamorous relationships with multiple partners.
“These relationships can mean each partner is happy emotionally, socially, psychologically and sexually as they don’t rely on one person to fulfil their needs.”
Stereotypes are shifting. People no longer feel constrained by traditional roles
Emma Kenny
Rosie, 33, a chef from Tower Bridge, central London, has been enjoying open relationships with both men and women for seven years. She is currently four months into a relationship with a man.
She says: “It can be awkward and uncomfortable having a conversation about an open relationship but once it is done, it’s out of the way. My partner and I are closer than ever before as we have laid everything on the table.
“We attend a swingers’ club monthly. We have rules, such as always use a condom, and we always ‘play’ — the word used for being intimate with another person — in the same room.
“It definitely keeps things fresh. I am able to detach love from sex, so I don’t feel envious of women with my partner.
"I know there aren’t any feelings involved. I have witnessed a man become angry when he noticed his wife having ‘too much fun’ with my partner and starting an argument.
“It was very awkward and would be off-putting if I was new to the swingers’ club.”
SEEKING ESCAPISM
The Sun’s sexpert Georgette Culley says that having clear boundaries is crucial when in an open relationship.
She adds: “The key is trust. Some couples struggle with the reality of ethical open relationships, the danger being that one partner will enjoy the new relationship more.
“To make polyamory work you must both want it and be honest and open with one another about what you want and set clear boundaries.”
Rosie regularly shares tips on her blog about swinging, which is called thiskindagirl.com.
She says: “For me, it is brave to do what I do. I have told some friends and it can be awkward. But once the conversation is done, everything is smooth sailing.
“They are supportive and some wouldn’t mind getting involved too, but none have yet.”
Some couples struggle with the reality of ethical open relationships, the danger being that one partner will enjoy the new relationship more
Georgette Culley
Rae has also come up against difficult conversations with friends about her lifestyle.
She says: “Explaining our relationship to other people is one of the most challenging things about it.
“We are looking forward to the time when being polyamorous is more socially acceptable.
“Once people realise it’s something we both want — and we’re not serial adulterers — they’re fine, although we have lost some friends along the way.
“It’s usually a lack of under- standing and being judgmental. We’re fine with it though as we don’t need negative energy in our lives.
“We are happy to educate and inform people but to us it is no less normal than being in a monogamous relationship.”
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Rae’s husband Josh, who is setting up a leather making business, is also pleased with the change in their marriage.
He says: “I am very happy with my relationships. I feel I have greater emotional and sexual satisfaction than most people.”
Georgette believes open relationships will continue to grow.
She says: “One of the reasons behind the poly boom is the pandemic. After 18 months of lockdowns, perhaps living as a couple, people are seeking escapism and no longer want to feel trapped in one-on-one relationships.
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“They may decide to explore this way of living after becoming bored with their partner.
“Now that freedoms have returned, some couples who are still together crave the excitement the poly relationships can bring.”
