I want to start a family, but my wife can’t even commit to our marriage
DEAR DEIDRE: My dreams of becoming a dad and starting a family were blown out of the water, when my wife suggested instead that we should have sex with other people.
Until that moment, I didn’t think anybody could burst our bubble, but her request to make our relationship an open one did exactly that.
She’s 32 and I’m 35. She runs an online sales business, and I’m a maintenance engineer. We have known one another for eight years.
Our sex life is good and she’s more adventurous than I am. We have enough sex toys to open a shop and sometimes when I get home, she’s dressed provocatively and ready for me to jump into bed with her.
Two weeks ago, she asked me whether she could bring a guy from our local pub back for a threesome. It blindsided me so I said no. I told her I didn’t want to be put on the spot.
I don’t want those messy situations for me. I’ve witnessed a couple of friends’ relationships fall apart after threesomes.
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My brother’s partner has just had a baby girl and she’s so special. Even as a bloke, I felt broody and wanted a kid for us.
I’d decided to suggest she stop taking The Pill but she caught me off-guard again by suggesting, “How about trying more of an open marriage? I’d be happy if you practised safe sex.”
I was horrified. Telling me to cheat is her way of deflecting the attention away from herself. It’s clear that if I find sex elsewhere, she’ll hook up with this guy from the pub.
I took our vows seriously but she doesn’t seem bothered about me anymore.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s something missing from your wife’s point of view but if she doesn’t tell you what it is, how can you improve things?
She may be missing the thrill of feeling she’s doing something naughty. But her request to open your relationship is a huge step and requires you both to cross a very big boundary.
You’re not comfortable so don’t fit in with her plans. Does she want to stay in a committed marriage with you, or continue with this hedonistic lifestyle?
She can’t have both. It would crucify you to agree with what she’s suggesting.
If she’s staying but feels unhappy, seek support from a sex and relationship counsellor to see if you can move forward COSRT (COSRT.org) can help you find a reputable therapist.