Dear Deidre
DEAR DEIDRE: When I discovered a half-empty box of condoms in my wife’s handbag, I knew she’d been unfaithful.
But learning she’d been having threesomes with a female friend and her male partner was gut-wrenching.
I’m 47 and my wife is 44. We’ve been married for five years.
She is more sexually adventurous than me. While I enjoy regular sex, I like to “make love” in bed. Sex for me is about intimacy.
But she often wants me to try kinky things, or to use sex toys. Once, when drunk, she suggested a threesome. I reacted with horror and she made out it was just a joke.
Lately, she’s been going out with her best mate a lot. Sometimes she stays over so she can drink and not drive home. I thought nothing of it.
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But last weekend, she came home and went straight upstairs. I couldn’t find my car keys so I went to get hers from her bag. It was then I found the condoms. I’ve had the snip — so we don’t need them.
I felt the blood drain from my face. When she came downstairs, I asked what was going on.
I expected her to tell me about an affair with a man. Instead, she admitted to having sex with two people: Her friend and her friend’s partner. I had no idea she liked romps with women as well as men and I feel doubly cheated on.
She has since begged for forgiveness, saying if I’d been more open to experimentation it would never have happened.
I love her but I don’t know if I can get over this.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You have every right to feel hurt and angry. Your wife has cheated and is blaming you for not being adventurous enough in bed.
If she felt you were sexually incompatible, she should have talked to you and found a compromise.
Instead, she decided to fulfil her own fantasies outside the marriage. That’s selfish. Not wanting to try a threesome is perfectly fine. It doesn’t make you less of a lover or husband.
Talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she truly loves you and wants to make your marriage work, I would advise couples counselling and sex therapy, which you can arrange by contacting tavistockrelationships.org.
And read my support pack, Cheating, Can you Get Over It?
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it