Can England Bore Its Way to Euros Glory? History Says: Why Not?

England fans are in panic mode. The men’s national soccer team entered Euro 2024 wrapped in a wave of media and fan hype, boasting some of the world’s most talented attacking players and positioned as the betting favorite to win it all. But four games in, even though the Three Lions have reached the quarterfinals, support for manager Gareth Southgate is arguably at an all-time low.

While rivals like Spain and Germany have dazzled with crisp passing, England have labored to agonizingly dull draws with Slovenia and Denmark. The Three Lions managed to scrape past Slovakia in the round of 16 thanks to a couple of magic moments—including a miraculous 95th-minute bicycle kick—but they’ve generally looked below par all tournament. The cries of “Southgate out” are becoming louder, but is this all a slight overreaction?

In reality, it’s rare that the most entertaining team at an international tournament ends up getting their hands on the trophy. Yes, England’s mind-numbing football is stinking the place up. And yes, when talents like Phil Foden, Bukayo Saka, and Harry Kane are struggling to find an opening against bang-average opposition, it’s difficult to be inspired by England’s “defensive solidity” and “organized tactics.” But more often than not, these are the things that matter in knockout football. And when it comes to boring teams lifting trophies, a quick scan of the history books shows there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic.

Italy, Euro 1968

What happened: It’s fair to say UEFA was still finding its feet with Euro ’68. A basic four-team tournament preceded by a qualifying round, it was a far cry from Gianni Infantino’s cash-driven dream of a 48-team World Cup. Italy’s triumph in its first European championship came after an inauspicious start; the Italians took 200 minutes to score their first goal and reached the final after—brace yourselves—winning a coin toss against the Soviet Union following their 0-0 semifinal draw. Italy captain Giacinto Facchetti called tails to win, then led his side to a 1-1 draw with Yugoslavia in the final. UEFA had yet to devise the penalty shoot-out, so a rematch was played two days later. Italy rounded out this batshit tournament with a 2-0 win; today, this is widely considered one of the Euros’ least impressive victories. Nevertheless, a trophy’s still a trophy.

What England can learn from this: Unfortunately, it will take more than a coin toss to take England through to the final in Berlin, but Southgate’s men will be desperate to inherit a similar slice of luck. Good fortune can happen at any time—you just have to put yourself in position to benefit from it. Keep things tight and perhaps a red card or spot kick will fall England’s way. (Not to mention own goals are the leading scorer at Euro 2024.) Since Harry Kane has spent most of the competition standing around the halfway line waiting for something to happen, he seems well primed to profit from the proverbial flip of a penny.

Italy, World Cup 1982

What happened: Bear with the Italians for one more minute. On the world stage, the Azzurri are more renowned for defensive steel than attacking flair, and their victory at the 1982 World Cup helped cement that reputation. As group runners-up, Italy advanced to the second round after three uninspiring draws against Poland, Cameroon, and Peru, scoring and conceding just two goals across the group stage. Italy finally turned the screw in the knockouts and dumped out a dynamic West Germany side 3-1 to win the final.

What England can learn from this: At the time, Italy’s 12 goals in seven matches was the lowest-ever tally for a World Cup–winning side, and the Azzurri’s aggregate goal differential of plus-6 remains tied for the lowest ever. England can take heart from this. A solid defensive backbone has been the hallmark of multiple Southgate-steered campaigns, and Euro ’24 has been no different. The Three Lions may have scored only twice in normal time so far, but they’ve also conceded just two. It’s drab, but it can bring success.

Cameroon, AFCON 1988

What happened: Don’t be fooled by the fact that legendary middle-aged striker Roger Milla was playing up top for Cameroon at AFCON 1988; there wasn’t a single game at this tournament in which his side scored more than one goal. Cameroon faced some tough teams, edging past Egypt in the opening game and beating Nigeria 1-0 in the final, but despite Milla’s exploits (he was named the tournament’s Best Player), the Indomitable Lions hardly lit up Africa’s premier international competition.

What England can learn from this: Cameroon’s four goals in five games was a meager return for a tournament winner, but it shows that you don’t have to be firing on all cylinders to get your hands on some silverware. Given the lack of decent goal-scoring chances Jude Bellingham and Co. have created so far, Cameroon’s 0.8 goals per game is a heartening statistic. England doesn’t have to create a million chances a game—it just needs to take one. (OK, at least two would be more reassuring.)

Denmark, Euro 1992

What happened: There’s presumably some guilt at play when you reach a competition only because of the breakout of a major international conflict. But when Denmark were drafted into Euro ’92 after Yugoslavia were disqualified due to the Yugoslav Wars, the Danes didn’t let that abrupt start affect them. Led by manager Richard Møller Nielsen, Denmark fine-tuned its ultra-defensive 5-3-2 shape, which had caused star playmaker Michael Laudrup to quit the national team. As The Athletic writes, “[Nielsen’s] way of playing was basic, defensive and rather unglamorous, more in keeping with what we tend to associate with Scandinavian football.” Nevertheless, the Danes battled their way to the final, beating heavyweight Germany 2-0 against all odds.

What England can learn from this: The only Euro champions who failed to score in their first two matches, Nielsen’s Denmark side were masters of shithousery, their time-wasting antics staggeringly effective. At the time, there was no backpass rule, meaning goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel could distribute the ball to a defender, receive it back, and then pick it up again, running down the clock repeatedly. He exploited this loophole to such an extent that after the tournament, FIFA banned the back pass. But there remain plenty of other methods for delaying play, so England can take influence from this tactic: Take forever to boot the ball during goal kicks; react to every minor foul as if you’ve been shot; huddle for five minutes ahead of a free kick just to inevitably smash it into the wall. After all, Britain’s abhorrent colonial history and general narrow-mindedness (yes, I’m British, I can say that) means most of the world already hates us anyway; why not embrace these kinds of negative ploys and become even more unlikeable? Whatever it takes to win.

Spain, World Cup 2010

What happened: Hear me out: Yes, this was an iconic side, and their World Cup victory was the juicy meat in the middle of a Spanish sandwich of global footballing dominance, defined by intricate possession football and wondrous midfield maestros like Iniesta, Xavi, and David Silva. But if we’re being totally honest, throughout much of the 2010 World Cup, Spain were quite dull. After drawing a blank against Switzerland, the Spaniards comfortably but narrowly defeated Honduras and Chile before winning every single knockout game 1-0, typically passing each opponent to death before grabbing a late winner. During this campaign, the term “tiki-taka” started developing negative connotations, to the point that coaches like Pep Guardiola have since been desperate to separate themselves from it.

What England can learn from this: England are nowhere near the technical level of this side, and drawing any comparisons right now seems wrong. However, if Southgate’s men can begin to produce even a pale imitation of Vicente del Bosque’s possession game—or, more pressingly, string more than three passes together—they’ll have a chance at glory this summer. Declan Rice plays under a Guardiola disciple (Mikel Arteta) at Arsenal; the midfielder would do well to recycle possession and play tidy passes forward if England are to have a shot.

Germany Women, Euro 2013

What happened: Germany’s women have a phenomenal record at the Euros—eight-time winners out of 13 total tournaments, including six consecutive titles—but the 2013 champions were far from the nation’s best. The Germans suffered a 1-0 loss to Norway and a goalless draw with the Netherlands in two of their group games, but a single victory against minnows Iceland was enough to take them through to the knockouts. They went on to win all three knockout stage games 1-0, mustering only six goals in the entire competition, with top scorer Celia Sasic bagging just two. Hardly a vintage effort.

What England can learn from this: Germany entered the tournament missing some key players due to injury, including future captain Alexandra Popp, Viola Odebrecht, and Verena Faisst, but defensive prowess gave them a great platform for victory regardless. While England’s injury woes aren’t quite on the same level (mainstay center back Harry Maguire being the only key absence), the gaping lack of a natural left back has been frequently bemoaned by self-appointed tactics experts in pubs across the land. Luke Shaw is in the squad, ostensibly healthy after suffering a hamstring injury in February, but Southgate doesn’t appear willing to give him minutes during a major tournament. Germany showed that grit and solidity can provide a path to glory, even without their best possible 11, and England will be hoping they can follow suit.

Despite the lack of scintillating football on show from these sides, they did all have one thing in common: They were capable of beating a half-decent opponent. Due to pure luck, that’s one thing England arguably haven’t managed yet. After stumbling their way to the top of an insanely boring Group C—where four teams managed just one win among them, and only seven goals were scored in total—England landed on the easier side of the draw, thereby avoiding nations like France, Germany, Spain, and Portugal.

In the quarterfinals against Switzerland this Saturday, Southgate’s team will face what is easily its most stern test yet. There are thousands of red-faced, pint-filled England fans convinced that as soon as they come up against a team as strong as the Swiss, they’ll come unstuck. (And that’s before a potential semifinal match against the Netherlands.) Those fans may well be right. But as most of the teams profiled above show, you don’t have to be that good to win an international tournament. Perhaps, in the midst of England’s current shit show, that’s the most comforting thing of all: The Three Lions can simply bore their way to victory, and England fans will learn to relish every second of it.

Fred Garratt-Stanley is a London-based writer whose work has appeared in NME, GQ, Dazed, and more.