In MAN-MADE, Chella Man, a 19-year-old queer, deaf, genderqueer artist, documents his journey transitioning on testosterone.
Since I was diagnosed with depression in eighth grade, I have struggled with binge eating disorder, the most common eating disorder in the U.S.
Many of us struggle with a variety of invisible symptoms when it comes to eating disorders. I have had trouble understanding my own eating disorder because I have only seen representation of the most severe cases in media. I believed I had to meet very particular standards (like surpassing a certain number of calories) for my disordered eating to qualify as an eating disorder.
I let the lack of representation of the full spectrum and variety of eating disorders dictate my own understanding of my eating habits and my body. But one does not have to fit all characteristics of a label in order to claim it for themselves.
Binging can make me incredibly dysphoric. Because I have only been on testosterone for 10 months, the way my body distributes fat is not quite where I would like it to be. If I gain weight, it goes to my cheeks and hips, making my body appear more curvy and round. This only adds to the guilt and shame I feel after recovering from a binge.
However, putting a label to the eating disorder I have struggle with for the past seven years is a revelation that has opened my mind to exploring healthier ways to eat and cope with my emotions.
Eating disorders are nuanced, and we need to start talking about them beyond black-and-white terms to help those who are battling with them silently. Simply having open conversations with others about binge eating helps me shed unnecessary shame.
The likelihood that someone in your life is struggling with an eating disorder is very high — at least 30 million people in the U.S. suffer from an eating disorder.
If you feel safe and ready, I encourage you to open up and share your personal story.
It is time to acknowledge that anyone can silently struggle with an eating disorder, regardless of what they look like.
The shame must end.
Check out previous MAN-MADE columns, where Chella talks about how testosterone changed his body, and how his deafness impacts his relationship.
Chella Man is a 19-year-old deaf, genderqueer, queer artist currently transitioning on testosterone. He is studying virtual reality programming at The New School in New York City while creating art on the side. His main focus is to educate others on issues regarding being queer and disabled within a safe space.