For most of my life, I thought I knew who I was, but I could never shake this nagging feeling that I didn’t fit in, no matter where I went. I was constantly self-conscious, worried that someone would expose me as inauthentic, even though I couldn’t nail down why I felt so different from other people. Something within me felt incomplete, and whatever was missing was keeping me from feeling like a real human being. As I got into my mid-twenties and met more queer people across different spectrums, I realized that I connected with their experiences more than I expected, even though I still thought I was a straight, cisgender man.
I figured out that I’m pansexual late in 2016 after finally coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t just attracted to women and had crushes on all kinds of different people. With that, I felt more human, more comfortable with myself. But that didn’t complete the puzzle. I still felt weird, unfinished.
My breakthrough came in 2019. I run a local figure drawing group, and while modeling with a friend one night, I tried on a pair of her stockings — cute sheer thigh-highs with little bows on them. Something clicked: they just felt right to wear, and I looked great in them! Days later, I bought my own, and shortly after that, I started buying my first dresses and wearing them out. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, but I felt better than ever before. There was just one wrinkle: Being a man in a dress didn’t sound like who I was. I realized that being a man in general sounded wrong for me, and after some speculation and research, came to realize that I’m nonbinary. After that, I felt more complete.
Having figured these things out so recently, I’m still defining what nonbinary means to me. I feel like I’ve just started swimming out into a huge ocean, but the water feels perfect and I’m eager to explore. If you’re wondering if you might be nonbinary, here are some questions I grappled with before coming out.
Is there a difference between being nonbinary and being genderfluid, genderqueer, or otherwise?
This question can really make your head spin if you overthink it, but the answer varies from person to person. “Nonbinary” seems like the broadest term of the bunch, because it simply states that you are not solely male or female but something else. What is that something else? That may or may not intersect with other identities. Here’s a good list of various nonbinary identities from a Wikipedia site devoted solely to nonbinary gender identities, including plenty that I wasn’t aware of myself. They include identities like agender, bigender, and pangender. There are distinctive things about each one that make them more specific, and some of them overlap, so there can be wiggle room as well. If you think one of those identities fits you better, then go for it! It's okay to change your mind later on. Finding out what doesn't work for you makes it easier to determine what does.
How do I know I’m not a binary transgender man or transgender woman?
This was something I asked myself a few times before I came out as nonbinary. I knew I wasn’t a man, but I also decided I wasn’t a woman either, even with the dresses and heels. Your experience might be different. Also, some trans men and women identify as nonbinary, too. The key thing is this: If you decide you’re trans, nonbinary, or both, you are not locked into that identity forever! You may change your mind later on, and that’s fine! Again, think of gender identity as a big open space to explore — an ocean to swim around in.
I should also add that gender dysphoria is not at all a necessary prerequisite for identifying in any particular way. I myself have been more or less okay with my body for most of my life, and while that did help me determine that transitioning wasn’t for me, not everyone arrives at the same conclusion. Nonbinary people can experience dysphoria and transition; it all depends on how you feel and what makes you happiest in your body.
Do I have to change my name or pronouns?
This was one of those questions that held me back for a while. It was when Jonathan Van Ness from Queer Eye came out as nonbinary and kept his name and pronouns that it clicked with me: no, you don’t have to change them if you don’t want to or aren’t ready to. When I first came out, I still used he/him/his almost exclusively, because that’s just what I was used to doing. I started using they/them/theirs more frequently last year as I realized how much better those pronouns suit me, while still being okay with he/him/his. As for my name, as masculine as it may sound, I like it and have no intention of changing it.
Deciding what other terms you prefer, like “sir” or “ma'am,” can be trickier, but if something doesn't feel right, just say so. I can handle being called “sir” at work and by strangers, but “man” or “brother” are off-putting —and I'm not the biggest fan of “dude,” either. It’s okay to stick to whatever makes you most comfortable and to ask people to stop using any gendered terms that don’t sit right.
Do I have to dress a certain way?
There’s a common misconception that in order to be nonbinary — or to be seen as such — one should dress in an overtly androgynous way, but that isn’t necessary at all. Yes, stockings and dresses were what led to my own breakthrough, but the truth is I don’t wear those things often. I still just wear the clothes I already owned most of the time, and recently started painting my nails for a little extra pop. For me, part of being nonbinary is realizing that I can dress however I want — that I’m not just limited to the men’s section in stores. I’m still learning to be more playful and try new things to figure out what suits me and what doesn’t. I don’t go out of my way to look like anything in particular, I just want to be Brett, the best version of Brett that I can be. Don’t feel like you have to throw out your entire wardrobe, but do go shopping if you want to. Clothes, despite their labels or what signs they’re placed under in department stores, have no gender! You can wear whatever you’d like and still be nonbinary.
What if other nonbinary people define themselves differently than I do?
These terminological discussions can be a little confusing. It was especially hard for me at first to shake off the fear that I was doing something wrong, or that I was only declaring myself nonbinary so that I’d have an excuse for why I felt so different around other people — that nagging feeling of not fitting in for whatever reason. I was worried that people wouldn’t see me as nonbinary after I came out, especially because I’m still working on what it means to me, but ultimately I stopped feeling like I owe people a specific definition. I know there are people who still see me as a man, and it sucks, but what matters is I no longer feel like I’m “faking it.” That’s the most essential thing: Accepting and owning your nonbinary identity requires you to stop worrying so much about what other people think.
What’s most important is what it means to you and you alone. I hope that’s the biggest thing you take away from reading this: There’s no right or wrong way to be nonbinary. There are no limits. It’s about being true to yourself. So if you don’t feel exclusively male or female, come out for a swim in the nonbinary ocean with me. We can explore and figure out what it means together. Trust me, the water’s great.
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