Because no two paths to parenthood look the same, “How I Got This Baby” is a series that invites parents to share their stories.
Back in the 1980s when he worked as a pediatric nurse in the emergency department of a major Manhattan hospital, David witnessed what he describes as “a lot of horrific care.” “It wasn’t the typical suburban emergency room where Mom and Dad walk in with a kid that’s got a fever,” he says. “I began to see a lot of children with a lot of trauma — they were given up by their birth parents, they were disabled or abused and living in facilities or on the streets.”
David eventually transitioned to a leadership role in hospital administration, but he still often found himself thinking about the children in that ER who, through no choice of their own, were “behind the eight ball in life,” as he describes it. When he and his partner, George, decided they wanted to have kids, those thoughts echoed even louder. Many of their friends were choosing surrogacy or adopting babies from foreign countries, but David and George both wanted to raise a child who was part of the U.S. foster-care system.
David was 50 and George was 39 when they began the process and quickly learned they would have a better chance of adopting as a male-male couple in New Jersey than in New York. Since David had a beach house on the Jersey shore, they decided to leave their apartment in Manhattan and make that place their primary residence.
The couple wanted to adopt, not foster, but were told that fostering first was likely the only viable path to parenthood, so they went through foster-parent training and became licensed as a foster home. The pair gave the agencies one caveat for placements: They wanted only a child who was no longer legally tethered to their biological family. “We didn’t want to have a child and then have the child taken from us in the event that the parents were given another chance,” says David. This parameter turned their quest to become parents into a nationwide search.
David shares how he and George created a home for children with special needs who had been hard to place — and how they formed a nuclear family all their own.
On learning about Sam
We got word that there was a 7-year-old boy named Sam in a rural area of Washington state whose parental rights had been severed. There were some allegations of child abuse — I don’t know if they were founded. There was definitely neglect; that was founded. You could tell from the photos and the description.
We started having video conferences with the foster mom. She had four children of her own and two foster kids, and she could no longer care for Sam. The agency was really stuck for placement with him.
Because we wanted to foster-to-adopt, the state of Washington had to make sure that New Jersey’s foster-care program met its standards — and to make sure that George and I had passed all of our background checks. It was a lengthy process that neither state really knew well. Close to a year passed before Sam was released to us as a foster-to-adopt child.
On meeting Sam
We met Sam over video conference. He was low-functioning on the autism scale. He didn’t walk around much. He would rock. He melted down frequently. He’d do head banging, and it was pretty violent. It was quite a frightening undertaking, to be honest. I remember thinking, Can we really handle this?
Still, we pressed on. In November 2010, George and I traveled to Washington to pick up Sam and bring him back to New Jersey. We walked into his house and saw this severely autistic child. He was rocking on his knees. He wasn’t steady on his feet. You could see he was malnourished and was wearing diapers. Every 20 minutes or so, he would start crying or have a meltdown. He didn’t have any ability to verbalize or communicate. You didn’t know if he was hungry, tired, or whatever. And I’m here thinking to myself, Oh boy, was this the right thing?
I hadn’t realized how severe his autism was, and here we were, about to take this child who had never been on a plane cross-country back to New Jersey. It was frightening because we didn’t know what would happen. We met with Sam’s pediatrician and asked if Sam had ever taken Benadryl or anything else that could help him be a little less cognitive of what was going on. She told us he had taken Benadryl and told us what dose to use. And so we gave him some Benadryl and, fortunately, he slept most of the flight to New Jersey.
What was surprising: Sam took to George pretty quickly. Sam would look at him and touch his face. They had a very sincere bond right away.
On Sam’s first few weeks at home
I took a week or two off from work while George began a new chapter as a full-time parent. It was a huge adjustment.
Sam didn’t know how to eat at a table. He stayed on the floor a lot. I think his biological family had been feeding him on the floor, so his foster family continued to feed him on the floor. He didn’t understand what it meant to sit at a table. He also didn’t have a steady gait. Plus, he was incontinent. There was a lot of basic therapy that needed to happen. I don’t think he wanted to be in diapers. I just don’t think anybody took the time to potty train him.
It was challenging for both George and me to connect with Sam. But we knew he was this way because he had never experienced any real care or training. We believed that with the proper care, love, and services, he could become a functional child.
On working to help Sam
We immediately set some ground rules about where Sam had to eat, what time he had to go to bed, and how he could protect himself from banging his head when he was melting down. And because he was nonverbal, we tried to give him other tools and ways to express his frustration — with a device and with sign language. It was almost like having a newborn because we had to teach him almost everything: how to eat, how to walk. It felt like, This is a 7-year-old child that nobody has given any time to. One day, we just asked him the question, “Do you want to make on the bowl or in your pants?” And almost instantly — less than a month — he was potty trained. Then we put him in a full-day program with the school system.
Sam had his own room, and many nights he would sleep in the closet, which was odd. We asked the social worker why he did that. They said he had probably slept in the closet as a child or he was put in the closet, and he had memories of his neglect and abuse. So at night, one of us would always put him back in the bed and then stay there on the floor. Eventually, Sam slept in his room on his bed.
My training as a pediatric nurse prepared me to deal with some of the issues we were facing. But even though I was the trained person, I couldn’t be the caretaker because I was working full time. It had to be George. To his credit, George has the patience of a saint, and he’s very centered. Still, it was often a challenge.
On seeing Sam make progress
Early on, we hired several therapists for Sam who came to the house. We also enrolled him in programs and services through the state of New Jersey. One day, after a long day of work and commuting from Manhattan to the Jersey shore, I witnessed a big leap. Sam looked at me and cupped his hand in a C-shape and then rubbed it down his chest to his stomach. I looked at George and said, “He’s signing, ‘I’m hungry.’” Sam had never been able to tell us anything, but now he was learning sign language to express his basic needs. It was amazing.
Sam loves the beach and loves to swim. He loves to go shopping and go into stores. We really started to bond with him when he learned how to point at pictures of these activities and then when we could tell him that, yes, we’re going to the beach or going to the store. We saw his first smiles when he realized he could ask for something and get something in return. He was beginning to understand how to make his wishes known. We really saw this breakthrough of, You understand me. Those were hugely gratifying moments for us.
About a year after he learned how to point at things he wanted, Sam learned to read and write and then he started using a communication tool. He types on it and an automated voice speaks to us. Eventually, Sam started to make eye contact, too.
We officially adopted Sam about a year after he arrived in our home.
On deciding to grow their family
Two years after Sam’s adoption, we realized that we wanted him to have a sibling. Of course, there were a lot of ups and downs, but George and I had a very strong relationship. We were already in the throes of getting Sam to where he needed to be. We didn’t want to have everything settled, take a breath, and then have to do it over again. We were like, Let’s just do it all at once. We’re in the midst of all this now, let’s just keep going. We didn’t want to hire a surrogate and we didn’t want a newborn, so we thought, Let’s look at the system again and see if there’s a child.
On starting the adoption process again
The state of New Jersey wound up working with Washington state again, and they found us two children whose parents’ rights had been severed due to drug use and neglect. We fostered two siblings: Ben, 10, and his sister, Sophia, 9. Both had the label of special needs, although not autistic. They had learning disabilities, likely because of their upbringing and the abuse they experienced. These siblings had been in nine foster homes prior to us. We were their tenth.
The caseworker told us that Ben had some behavioral issues and that when the siblings were together, they fed off each other in a negative way. He wanted them to be adopted separately. But George and I pushed to foster them together, and the caseworker agreed to a trial period.
We met them over video first and, as with Sam, all the formalities to bring them to our home took about a year. The social workers explained to the siblings that they were headed to a male-male home, and they were fine with that. I think they were excited to have some stability.
On bringing two siblings home
Sophia was protective of Ben. She had taken on a motherly role because her parents were absent and neglectful. Soon she started to do the same thing with Sam; she was extremely nurturing toward him.
But Ben and Sam never really bonded. Sam was very standoffish with Ben, mostly because Ben was extremely hyper, pushy, and tough from having been in the foster-care system. Sam, on the other hand, had become docile. He naturally shied away from Ben.
On Ben moving out to live with another foster family
After just a few months with us, Ben and Sophia’s caseworker told us they were going to send Ben back to Washington state to be placed in a different foster home due to his behavioral issues. Even after the trial period, the agency didn’t think that it was healthy for the siblings to be adopted together. They felt the bond they had built on shared trauma had led to the wrong kind of relationship. They never really shared any more detail than that with us.
When Ben left, it was extremely emotional and traumatic because we had wanted to keep them together as siblings and had hopes to create a family with all five of us. At the time, I don’t think that Sophia and Ben realized they were going to miss each other because they were used to being bounced around to different homes and separated.
Even though we didn’t adopt Ben, he has kept in touch with George — they spent a lot of time together when Ben was here. And he and Sophia still talk.
On adopting Sophia
After a year with us, we were able to officially adopt Sophia, who was 10 at the time. Up until that moment in court when the judge said, “This is your forever family now,” she had been protecting herself. I don’t want to say she had been standoffish, but it had been a challenge to break through because she assumed she would have to move on eventually.
On raising two children with special needs
Once Sophia’s adoption went through, there was no longer a reason for us to continue living in New Jersey. We moved to Long Island so I could be closer to work.
It was a real adjustment to go from a couple who had no responsibilities to all of a sudden having children. They weren’t babies; it’s not like they slept all day and then started to crawl and walk and you would have a chance to ease it into and grow along with them as they developed. It almost felt like I came home one day and there were two kids in the house. It was a bit of a shock to adjust.
When things got rough, George and I had a process we would call “tap out.” Sometimes, I just couldn’t do it any longer. I’d have to go to the gym or go shopping or take a break. And then sometimes George would tap out and then I’d step in.
George also has a good self-care practice. He chants, he prays, he meditates. You have to do that when you have two kids with special needs.
On Sam and Sophia’s relationship
They’re typical siblings: He gets on her nerves; she gets on his. Sam’s play is very solo and he still isn’t verbal, but it helps that Sophia is very understanding and patient with him. They bond most when they’re doing what they both enjoy — swimming or going to amusement parks. They’re both water babies and love to be in the pool, so I always try to open our pool early in the season and keep it open as late in the year as possible so they can have that time together.
Sophia and Sam went to the same school for a little while. There were some students who teased the kids with special needs. One day, I got called to the principal’s office because Sophia had gotten into a fight with some kids who were making fun of her brother. She was always looking out for him.
There was a lot of joy in our lives when Sophia and Sam were kids. They were cute, and they were fun to be around. And they were happy to be safe and in a home. Now they had food and dessert and clothes and toys that other kids had but that they had never had before. It brought us joy just to see them get those things. After a while, we started to feel like our lives went from, Wow, this is going to be really hard, to We got this.
On Sam’s progress
Sam is almost 20, and he is the most docile, loving child you can imagine. He laughs all the time. He makes friends, can make eye contact, and communicates through a device. He does well with his sister and his peers in school programs. A lot of people have said all of the love and attention we’ve given him has made him who he is now. To know where he came from and the changes he has made — that’s what is most rewarding for us.
At the same time, he’s not self-sufficient and he’s still nonverbal. He has maybe a third-grade level of reading, writing, and understanding. His meltdowns are not as frequent or extreme as when we first met him, but he still deals with PTSD from his early childhood. If he hears a kid crying, that triggers him.
And Sam has to be watched all the time, which is stressful. And it’s sad because he doesn’t live like a typical 19-year-old.
I’m 62 now, and George is 51. Eventually, we would like to get Sam into some type of group facility where he can live among his peers. Until that happens, he’s going to be with us. We knew he would be a lifelong commitment.
On how Sophia has grown
Sophia is a functional 17-year-old now, bugging me for a new prom dress this week. She joined dance and gymnastics and became a cheerleader. She’s very social and has an easy time making friends.
However, my daughter has gone through some really tough times. She has been treated for depression and anxiety, both inpatient and outpatient, based on the trauma that she went through as a child. In her teenage years, her past resurfaced — her abuse, the neglect while being separated from her family — and she began to understand that her parents gave her up. It took a toll on her. She has told me, “I feel like I have anger issues.” I understand. I mean, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see how you would have anger issues if people gave you up and would rather do drugs than feed you.
Sophia was behind in school when she joined our family, and she’s still not a good student. But again, you learn a lot of your social skills and study skills during the kindergarten and elementary-school years, and she didn’t have that. She’s not graduating this year when she should, but she does have intentions to go to college. She may pursue veterinary medicine or be a vet tech. Sophia loves animals. We have five dogs, and one of them is disabled. She’s in charge of much of his care.
I think that, ultimately, she will be fine. She’s got a part-time job and a good friend base. My siblings have children her age, and she’s close to her cousins. And through all her problems, her brother has been the light of her life. She’s a survivor.
On looking back on parenthood so far
Did we break down sometimes? Yeah, we definitely did. As a parent of children with special needs, I would tell you I still do. We break down because we want the best for our kids and we know they have lifelong scars.
Living life selflessly, not selfishly — that’s what I wanted to do most in life. What better way to fulfill that than to give a chance to two children who probably would not have had that opportunity? That’s why I feel fulfilled. People may listen to the story and say I rescued these two children. My feeling is we’ve all rescued one another.
The names of the subjects have been changed to protect their identities.
More From This Series
- The Single Dad Who Had a Baby Via Surrogate
- The Mom Who Got Pregnant While on Birth Control at Age 46
- The Mom Whose Water Broke at 26 Weeks in a Foreign Country
