Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form. (It’s anonymous!)
I see a lot of "bottom" "top" and "vers" online and on dating apps, but if you're a virgin, and still haven't had sex with someone, how do you know? Should you just try both, and then know? And do these three terms only apply to anal intercourse, or is it other forms of sex too?
—Alexei, 18, he/him
There’s little on this great green earth that’ll make you feel more on the spot than having to choose a label for yourself. Especially if the criteria of those labels are based on something theoretical, like the future sex you’ll be having. Your stress is totally understandable, but I come bearing some great news: It often takes a while, sometimes many years, for gay and bisexual people to self-identify as a “bottom,” “top,” or “versatile” (vers for short).
I’m not just saying that as a hunch — there’s actual data on the subject. In a recent survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that “men’s sexual position self-label was learned over a 15-year timespan.” For many, choosing a label is a slow evolution that has “enormous complexity.” In other words, even thirtysomethings on these apps may not totally know their preferences yet.
When I called up my friend Rich Juzwiak, a fellow sex advice columnist over at Slate, this study was the first thing he mentioned. You should take comfort in the fact that “there’s clinical evidence that it’s a process,” he told me. It’s “the norm to be unsure and figuring it out.”
So, how do you go about figuring it out? First, let's talk about what these labels mean. Generally, a bottom is the receiver, a top is the giver, and vers is someone who does both. These terms, while often applied to anal sex, do apply elsewhere, and aren't reserved for men who have sex with men. When it comes to penetrative sex, being a top or bottom often refers to who is penetrating and who is being penetrated. But for non-penetrative sex these terms might refer to a power dynamic. All that said, there's no strict definition of any of these things, and they might mean different things to different people— when in doubt, ask!
In terms of penetrative sex, Rich recommends taking it slow and not jumping right into intercourse for the sole purpose of giving yourself a label. “You’re not required to have anal sex before you’re ready,” he says. “It’s totally socially acceptable to just have oral sex or make out or jerk off.” Anal sex is a vulnerable act that requires preparation, Rich says, so it’s not unreasonable to make that clear with your partners. And of course, you don’t have to have any kind of sex at all if you’re not ready.
Gay dating apps, especially known hookup apps like Grindr, can be blunt and transactional places where rejection is common, Rich warns: “You kinda have to have a thick skin and not take it personally.” But the great thing about these apps is that they set up a space to talk about your limits before you meet up with someone. Some guys might not be interested in a slower, intercourse-free encounter, “but it’s better to know that upfront than being in a situation where you feel pressured or coerced.” Make sure that your partner knows you’re new at this, and that you might require some patience.
Meanwhile, even if you don’t yet know your label, try to be as specific as possible about what you want during sex — even if that means being clear about your inexperience. Once you’ve done some exploration at your own pace, you’ll gain more clarity about the type of sex or positions you prefer.
How do you increase the length of intercourse and not come too quickly? How long should men last in bed?
Alex, 27, he/him
There is no set length of time men “should” last in bed — it really depends on the vibe and the person you’re having sex with. Contrary to popular belief, there’s no reason on principle that you should try to last as long as possible, especially if everyone’s mood or time constraints call for a quickie. (Many a vagina and butt have gotten sore from intercourse that goes on too long.) Still, coming very quickly during intercourse is a super-common anxiety, especially among younger people whose penises are in tip-top shape. So let’s talk about it.
There are definitely some things you can try, like condoms, edging, masturbating before sex, or the “squeeze technique.” Aside from these tips and tricks, though, two good general rules are to stop rushing and start communicating with your partner. Try to take the focus off your penis and intercourse for a little while during foreplay. You might be tempted to delay orgasm by dissociating with unsexy thoughts, but try to stay present and just enjoy your partner’s body first; if you feel yourself getting too excited, you can always shift to pleasuring them. And since it never feels great to be silently worrying about these things during sex, clue your partner in, even if it’s with a simple, “Hey, let’s take it slow tonight...I want to make this last.” I feel like I say this in every column, but it goes such a long way if you can feel safe, relaxed, and cared for by a non-judgmental partner.