Coping With The Loss Of a Parent
- Madonna, who lost her mom to breast cancer when she was just 5 years old, honored her late mom on Mother’s Day and recounted how confused she felt when her mom Madonna Louise Ciccone passed away in December 1963.
- Dealing with the loss of a loved one to cancer is incredibly challenging, especially when it comes to losing a parent at a young age, but moving forward with the lessons your loved one shared and remembering you don’t have to forget them can be a great place to start.
- If you’re working to overcome adversity, try making a plan. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly told SurvivorNet.
- Grief is an unavoidable and important part of healing following the loss of a loved one to cancer, and talk therapy can be a useful tool to cope.
- It’s important to note that women with the BRCA gene mutation, who have a family history of cancer, or have dense breasts are at higher risk and should talk with their doctor about when to begin screening. It may be younger than 40.
- SurvivorNet experts recommend performing a monthly breast self-exam to look for anything unusual with your breasts because it can help catch breast cancer between regularly scheduled mammograms.
The “Queen of Pop—who is a loving mom to six children: Lourdes Leon, Rocco Ritchie, David Banda, Mercy James, and twins Stelle and Estere Ciccone—lost her beloved mom, Madonna Louise Ciccone, in December 1963.
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She explained, “Nobody told me my mother was dying – I just watched her disintegrate mysteriously and then she disappeared and there was no explanation except that she had gone to sleep which explains My Tumultuous relationship with sleep.
“Tonight all of my children sleep Under one roof which is Rare and comforting. They grow up too fast and spin out in different directions And yes I have a hard time letting go.”
Madonna, who also featured photos of her and her children in the sweet Instagram post, continued, “When I stepped out on the stage and looked up at my mothers face every night. I said hello I said goodbye. I said Thank you. I hope you’re proud of me. I said Please protect me and keep me sane.”
She also admitted to becoming “very close” to her children during her recent tour, adding, “In the long hours we worked and struggled. They helped me manifest my dreams. In the chaos and the storms, the monotony and repetition. The sleepless nights and the endless Packing and unpacking. All the sacrifices. We made together. So many hours of Blood Sweat and Tears. Grateful for the privilege of bringing people together with Music. But also we just wanted to sleep in.”
During the time-span of the tour, she said her son Rocco pained, her daughter Lola wrote songs, and David and Mercy became high school graduates.
Overall she insists, “I wouldn’t change it for anything.”
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How Madonna Coped With Her Mother’s Cancer Battle
Madonna’s mom was also named Madonna, Madonna Louise Ciccone. But, sadly, the pop star did not get to spend much time with the woman whose name she bears. Her mother passed away from breast cancer in December 1963, and the death changed a then 5-year-old Madonna forever.
“If she were alive, I would be someone else. I would be a completely different person,” the singer said in a 1989 interview with Rolling Stone.
Her song “Promise to Try” is about letting go, and trying not to shape an image of her mother into something she wasn’t.
“It’s about yearning to have her in my life but also about trying to accept the fact that she’s not.” The song appeared on her chart-topping album Like a Prayer, which was dedicated to her late mother.
In a 1989 interview with The Chicago Tribune, she says of her mom’s cancer fight, “I don’t think she ever allowed herself to wallow in the tragedy of her situation. So in that respect, I think she gave me an incredible lesson.”
The Benefit of Support Networks for Cancer Patients
Helpful Information About Breast Cancer Screening
Since Madonna has a higher risk of getting breast cancer since her mother battled the disease, it’s important to understand when women should begin screening for this disease.
The medical community has a consensus that women between 45 and 54 have annual mammograms. However, an independent panel of experts called the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) is saying that women should start getting mammograms every other year at the age of 40, suggesting that this lowered the age for breast cancer screening could save 19% more lives. For women aged 55 and older, the American Cancer Society recommends getting a mammogram every other year. However, women in this age group who want added reassurance can still get annual mammograms.
Women with a strong family history of breast cancer, have dense breasts, have a genetic mutation known to increase the risk of breast cancer, such as a BRCA gene mutation, or a medical history, including chest radiation therapy before age 30, are considered at higher risk for breast cancer.
WATCH: Understanding the BRCA gene mutation
Experiencing menstruation at an early age (before 12) or having dense breasts can also put you into a high-risk category. If you are at a higher risk for developing breast cancer, you should begin screening earlier.
Breast density is determined through mammograms. However, women with dense breasts are at a higher risk for developing breast cancer because dense breast tissue can mask potential cancer during screening. 3D mammograms, breast ultrasound, breast MRI, and molecular breast imaging are options for women with dense breasts for a more precise screening. It is important to ask your doctor about your breast density and cancer risk.
Family History & Breast Cancer Risk
Although breast cancer can happen to anyone, certain factors can increase a person’s risk of getting the disease. The known risk factors for breast cancer include:
- Older age
- Having a gene mutation such as the BRCA1 or BRCA2
- Added exposure to estrogen
- Having children after the age of 30
- Exposure to radiation early in life
- Family history of the disease
RELATED: Is Genetic Testing Right for You?
Different types of genetic testing can help people with a family history of cancer better ascertain their cancer risks. Your doctor will discuss your family history of cancer with you in the context of your type of tumor and your age at diagnosis. Hereditary genetic testing is usually done with a blood or saliva test.
About ten percent of breast cancers are hereditary, says Dr. Ophira Ginsburg, Director of the High-Risk Cancer Program at NYU Langone’s Perlmutter Cancer Center.
“We encourage only those with a family history to get [genetic testing],” Dr. Ginsburg previously told SurvivorNet. “I would say that if you have anyone in your family diagnosed with a rare cancer. Or if you have a strong family history of one or two kinds of cancer, particularly breast and ovarian, but also colon, rectal, uterine, and ovarian cancer, that goes together in another cancer syndrome called the Lynch Syndrome.
The second test involves the genetic sequencing of your tumor if you’ve been diagnosed with cancer by this point. These genetic changes can be inherited, but most arise during a person’s lifetime. This process usually involves examining a biopsy or surgical specimen of your tumor. This testing can lead to decisions on drugs that might work against your cancer.
“Digital mammography, it turns out, significantly improves the quality of the mammogram… It’s 3D or tomosynthesis mammography,” Dr. Lehman explains.
“This allows us to find more cancers and significantly reduce our false-positive rate. With digital mammography 3D tomosynthesis, we’re taking thin slices through that breast tissue, like slices of a loaf of bread. We can look at each slice independently rather than trying to see through the entire thickness of the entire loaf of bread. So those thin slices help us find things that were hidden in all the multiple layers,” Dr. Lehman adds.
Additional testing can be considered for dense breasts, depending on a woman’s personal history, preferences, and her physician’s guidance.
Coping After Losing A Parent To Cancer
Going through stages of grief is something everyone deals with after a friend or loved one passes away from cancer. When you lose a parent to cancer, especially if it happens at a younger age, that feeling of loss and sadness can really linger.
But that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.
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In the case of Camila Legaspi, who lost her mom to breast cancer when she was in high school, she previously told SurvivorNet that the tragedy of losing a parent as a teenager kind of defined her high school experience.
After going off to college, she was able to turn that huge sense of loss that she felt into inspiration for creating.
“I actually took this sadness and let it motivate me,” Legaspi previously told SurvivorNet. “I learned that it’s OK to be sad sometimes. It’s OK to carry sadness with you. It’s not always a bad thing. It makes you who you are and it gives you a story to tell and it helps you teach other people to cope with their sadness.”
Legaspi, who is one of four siblings, described her mom as a very creative person. She said she turned to writing as an outlet and used her mother’s creativity as a motivator.
She went to Princeton University and got involved with the school’s magazine. She explained that instead of thinking of the loss of her mother as something terrible that happened to her family, she has let it serve as inspiration for poetry, fiction, or whatever else she may be inspired to write.
“I’ve learned to have it impact me in a positive way, and have it not just be a sad story, instead, I’m using it for a better purpose,” Legaspi said.
In an earlier interview with SurvivorNet, Caleb Farley opened up to us about his mother’s battle with breast cancer.
His mother fought two battles with cancer and he watched as she went through multiple rounds of chemotherapy while still working and taking care of their family.
Having lost his mom to breast cancer in 2018, he knew he wanted to be extra careful during the pandemic. When he had the chance to play as a cornerback for the Virginia Tech Hokies football team, he backed out due to COVID-19 concerns.
Farley announced the news of his decision not to play with Virginia Tech in an Instagram video saying, in part, “I cannot afford to lose another parent or loved one. Though the competitor in me badly wants to play this season, I cannot ignore what’s going on in my heart, and I must make the decision that brings me the most peace.”
(Farley trained for the NFL Draft instead of playing for Virginia Tech, and his efforts paid off. In the first round of the 2021 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans selected Farley as the number 22 overall pick.)
Today, Farley is taking the many life lessons he learned from her and applying them to whatever challenges he faces in life.
Dealing With Fear Amid Loss or a Diagnosis
It’s important to remember that anxiety and fear are totally normal reactions to the news of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, and acknowledging these emotions can be therapeutic and important to the healing process.
“I think the most important advice I would give to someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis is to find people whom they find as a source of support. To allow themselves to go through all of the different emotional reactions to that news,” said Dr. Susan Parsons, Director of the Center for Health Solutions/Center on Child and Family Outcomes at Tufts Medical Center, in a prior interview with SurvivorNet.
Fear, Anger, Anxiety You’re Entitled To Your Emotions
“The anger, the frustration, the fear. The disappointment. Whatever those emotions are, figure out what’s important to you and find those people that can help you realize that,” Dr. Parsons explained.
In times of frustration, it can be useful to a little bit of direction on specific ways to deal with it. A few of the most common ways to deal with fear and anxiety after a cancer diagnosis, that have helped people in the SurvivorNet community in the past, include:
1. Let your family and close friends know and let them help. So many cancer survivors tell us they want and need support but are often too preoccupied to make specific requests. Urge those close to you to jump in with whatever practical help they can offer.
2. Keep a journal. It can be extremely cathartic to let those feelings loose on paper. Grab a pen and a nice journal and chronicle your different thoughts throughout the day.
3. Join a cancer support group. There are groups in nearly every community offering opportunities to connect with others going through a similar journey. You’ll learn incredibly helpful insight from others who can tell you about what to expect and how to stay strong on tough days.
4. Consider seeing a therapist. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist so you can discuss your fears and concerns in a safe space. Often, vocalizing your thoughts and feelings rather than internalizing them can provide relief.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
Overcoming Adversity
Overcoming adversity can seem daunting. Many people think reciting upbeat mottos or pretending to be cheerful will help, but these solutions can make someone feel even more dejected than before. Instead, focus on the following steps to make meaningful change.
1. Set a goal. No matter what the situation, create a new goal for yourself. If you have just been diagnosed with cancer or a chronic illness, perhaps one goal would be to educate yourself about the disease and the possible treatments as much as possible.
2. Make a plan. How will you achieve this goal? Your plan will help you focus on that goal. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems, such as lymphoma and other cancers. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
3. Rely on others. Spend time with people who show you unconditional support and encouragement. They will ease your stress and help you remember that you’re not alone in this! Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and author, tells SurvivorNet that one “coping strategy that can be productive is reaching out, talking to others. Having support we know is really critical in the healing process.”
4. Use positive self-talk. Leave messages with affirmations in places you frequent. Put notes around your mirror or your computer screen that say “You got this!” or “Keep going!” Cut out inspirational quotes from people you admire and surround yourself with their words. Dr. Boardman explains to SurvivorNet that “Positive emotions have unique benefits above and beyond managing negative emotions.”
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Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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