DEAR ABBY:
My sister has bullied and controlled me most of my life. She has said many very unkind things, and I have reached a place in my life where I need peace and distance from her. Because of this, I have blocked her from texting or calling me.
The problem I’m having is that my sister texts and sends pictures and presents to my in-laws. I feel this is inappropriate. She’s married and has her own in-laws to grow a relationship with. I feel she does it to stay relevant in my life and also to show my in-laws that she’s a nice person.
I know she’s an adult and can have relationships with whomever she chooses, but it feels to me that she is overstepping boundaries. I can’t breathe or have a life outside of her. My husband’s family are MY in-laws, not hers. Are my feelings unreasonable? — SMOTHERED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SMOTHERED:
Your in-laws can have a relationship with anyone they wish. You cannot control who sends them texts, photos and gifts, particularly if they enjoy them. You may feel your sister has no place in their lives, but unless they agree, you are out of luck.
Of course, your feelings are your feelings and, from what you have written about your sister’s past treatment of you, you’re entitled to them. But to allow her to take up any more space in your head than you already have is counterproductive.
Talk with a therapist about this, if necessary, to help you quit obsessing about her. The problem isn’t her — it is how you continue to react to her.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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