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20. "blub" - Larry Bird
If you're a team president who goes on the road with your team during the playoffs, you're probably sitting in a luxury box with a gaggle of lackeys, and if your underdog team hits a big shot to take a Game 1 lead against the top seed, you're probably high-fiving everyone in arm's reach.
But Larry Bird is from rural Indiana. They do things differently there. He's sitting in the middle of the stands amidst a sea of Bulls fans. Darren Collison hit a huge shot, and he's just sittin' there, doin' a ... what is he doing? I know GIFs are mute, but did he make a toad noise?
He then decided he could use a snack, but rather than get up and waste precious dollars on a hot dog, he produced a thermos of flour-and-milk mixture from the burlap sack he had brought into the arena and slowly sipped it. When it was time for him to return home, his bicycle, having suffered a flat tire, was unfit for making the trip back to Indianapolis, so he hitched a ride to O'Hare, obtained a large dog crate, paid a checked-baggage fee, and then crawled inside, patiently waiting to be transported home. He is a simple man.
19. Tom Brady is leaf-spittin' mad
Brady: THIS! FIR TREE! WAS DELICIOUS!
Coach: Uh, don't think you ate a fir tree.
Brady: WHAT
Coach: Fir trees aren't deciduous. You just spat out leaves.
Brady: OH
18. Finally, a balk for the layman
(Via @aronbbender)
Balks are so complicated. If you sat me down and asked me to write out, to the best of my understanding, the Major League Baseball rule book, the section for "balks" would look something like this.
BALK RULES! IMPORTANT!
1. You can't just be up there and just doin' a balk like that.
1a. A balk is when you
1b. Okay well listen. A balk is when you balk the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The pitcher is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, batter, that prohibits the batter from doing, you know, just trying to hit the ball. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the pitcher is in the stretch, he can't be over here and say to the runner, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna tag you out! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to pitch and then don't pitch, you have to still pitch. You cannot not pitch. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, throwing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there's the balk you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Fairuza Balk hasn't been in any movies in forever. I hope she wasn't typecast as that racist lady in American History X.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, she was in The Waterboy too! That would be even worse.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). "get in mah bellah" -- Adam Water, "The Waterboy." Haha, classic...
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A balk is when the pitcher makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the baseball and field of
2. Do not do a balk please.
And now, at last, I can point to a balk and say, "see? He did something! That is a balk!" Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Mike Pelfrey.
17. The falsest start ever
Here, Wolfpack wideout Bryan Underwood is playing football as a turn-based RPG.
"Player LOUISVILLE! NC STATE has attacked you with an OUT ROUTE! What are your orders?"
a) DEFEND
b) INTERFERE
c) Use DOUBLE COVERAGE (-75 mp)
d) FLEE
16. Duke attempts to play football
Blacksmith Scene, a 29-second film produced in 1893, is the first known example of a film that actually featured actors playing roles. I'll sum it up for you: three blacksmiths bang away at an anvil. Then they stop and take a drink out of a bottle of beer. Then they start banging the anvil again. That is the entire thing.
The film itself, of course, is profoundly meaningless and maladroit, but it was an important first step in understanding and demonstrating what film was and how it could be used. I bring this up because this right here is the damn Blacksmith Scene of football.
(Via @bubbaprog at Mocksession)