Opinion |

Holidays heighten basic need to belong

When you think about it, this most wonderful time of the year is all about connection: to family and friends, to beloved traditions, to fond memories — old and new.

It’s also the time of year when people can feel most alone.

Last year, I wrote about the loneliness epidemic affecting people of all ages in our country, made worse by the pandemic. Mental health professionals define loneliness as a gap between the level of connectedness that a person wants and what they have.

Our brain considers social interaction to be a basic need — just as our bodies need food to survive, according to Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University. She was commenting on a study, published in Nature Neuroscience, that found similarities in brain scans between participants who had been socially isolated or deprived of food for 10 hours. Their brains “lit up” in a similar manner — for the isolated person, when shown a picture of people laughing together; for the hungry person, when shown a big plate of pasta.

Holt-Lunstad is often cited for describing the risk effects of loneliness and isolation as the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

I’ve started thinking about loneliness from a different perspective. Each of us has a fundamental need to belong. The psychologist Abraham Maslow, who defined a five-tier hierarchy of human needs, placed “love and belonging” right in the middle. Physiological (survival-related) needs are at the base of the hierarchy.

Belonging is more than just our emotional need for interpersonal relationships. It also refers to our need to be part of a group. That type of connection has many benefits: It gives us a strong sense of identity and self-worth, and drives us to seek out stable, long-lasting relationships with other people.

When the need to belong is unfulfilled, there can be societal implications. In our work at the National Conflict Resolution Center, we find that youth who become entangled with the criminal justice system most commonly share one trait: a sense of social isolation.

James Densley and Jillian Peterson have written extensively about the perpetrators of mass public shootings. In their book, “The Violence Project: How to Stop a Mass Shooting Epidemic,” they point out that being angry, hurt, isolated or resentful makes people vulnerable to radicalization and extremism — often a precursor to acts of violence. The authors also recommend preventive measures: the first is building relationships.

And so, NCRC is working with students in school districts across San Diego County to forge connection and a deeper sense of belonging. The work is being funded, in part, by a grant from the California Department of Social Services through its “Stop the Hate” initiative. Catalyst of San Diego and Imperial Counties leads the effort in our region.

Our work in the schools has a dual focus — preventing incidents of hate and intervening if they occur. Of course, belonging isn’t something you can teach; it’s a feeling that takes time and trust to develop. We are equipping students with communication skills that enable deep conversations, to build understanding and empathy. The school culture changes as a result: Everyone feels valued and welcome for who they are and what they can contribute, despite differences.

NCRC is also addressing the other side of the belonging coin, known as “othering” — when we look at someone and decide, “they are not like me” or “they are not one of us.” When we “other” a person, we attribute negative characteristics to them and create an aura that they are less worthy of our respect.

It’s misbehavior that’s not unique to students. We other people when we gossip about them or make unkind remarks on social media. When we do, it can cause them to feel devalued, disrespected or even angry.

Like schools, workplaces have begun to recognize the importance of creating a sense of belonging among their employees. Extensive research by Coqual, a think tank in the diversity, equity and inclusion space, found that a focus on one identity group (such as Black employees) can feel exclusionary to others — as though it comes at the cost of their own career interests and workplace well-being.

Instead, Coqual concluded, companies are better served by creating a culture where every employee feels that they belong. According to their definition, we belong at work when we are “seen for our unique contributions, connected to our coworkers, supported in our daily work and career development, and proud of our organization’s values and purpose.”

For most workers, that sounds like a holiday wish come true.

Dinkin is president of the National Conflict Resolution Center, a San Diego-based group working to create solutions to challenging issues, including intolerance and incivility. To learn about NCRC’s programming, visit ncrconline.com.