Opinion |

Grandpa Frank, Cousin Franny and the drama-free Thanksgiving

For many Americans, Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday. We have treasured traditions: football and food, the Macy’s parade, a midafternoon nap.

This year, our meal is expected to cost more than it ever has — 20 percent above last year. Apparently, inflation, supply-chain snags and bird flu are to blame, according to Axios’ Kelly Tyko.

Still, there’s a big reason to be grateful. With the worst of the pandemic behind us and vaccines and testing readily available, we can safely gather with loved ones.

But let’s be honest: COVID wasn’t the only source of contention in families and among friends. For some of us, a feeling of dread this time of year is nearly as inevitable as overeating. We think about Thanksgivings past and we ponder: Will things be better this year?

In my Thanksgiving column three years ago, I described a scene that may sound familiar to you: a gathering of family and friends that begins with an air of cordiality — even joy — as greetings are exchanged.

It starts with an embrace of Grandpa Frank, whose favorite holiday pastime is insulting Cousin Franny’s liberal views. You know she has a knot in her stomach, anticipating the inevitable. But the never-shy Franny comes prepared to lecture all on a cheery topic like the demise of the planet due to climate change.

You begin doubting whether you can once again follow your mother’s lifelong guidance and hold your tongue.

The cast of characters is anything but unpredictable. This year, your only real uncertainty is whether Grandpa Frank will insist on wearing his MAGA hat at the dinner table. He’s already shared his excitement that former President Donald Trump has announced his candidacy for 2024. Cousin Franny will no doubt sport her favorite “Black Lives Matter” T-shirt.

Nobody wants to fight the next Civil War over their Thanksgiving meal. Even with differences of opinion among your guests, decorum is achievable. So, in an effort to keep your holiday rift- (and indigestion-) free, I’m reprising the tips I shared in 2019.

Tip 1: Discard the contentious notion of “right vs. wrong.” Your opinions and emotions are valid; so are Grandpa Frank’s and Cousin Franny’s. Let go of your ego and try to be thoughtful. Remember that there is no single truth.

Tip 2: You don’t have to hold your tongue, really, but do take time to think before you speak. Don’t let anger cloud your mind and degrade the way you express your ideas. Katie Krimer, a licensed social worker and psychotherapist in New York City said, “We must hold ourselves accountable for civility and lowering emotional intensity even in the face of open hostility.”

It can be hard to do. If you do find yourself drawn into an argument, or sense intense anger coming on, step away from the table. Find a quiet place where you can breathe deeply, quiet your mind and maybe see both sides.

Tip 3: Listen with a goal of hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. That’s very different from pretending to listen while you are actually thinking about and rehearsing your next response. You may be surprised to learn that the person across the table has something beneficial to say.

Tip 4: Try to determine how your tablemates came to their viewpoints. Be curious and ask open-ended questions such as, “What leads you to think that?” Conflict occurs when underlying needs are not met or even recognized. When questions are asked in a genuine and thoughtful manner, needs can be revealed.

Tip 5: Respond respectfully by restating ideas accurately to demonstrate that you heard and understand (even if you do not agree). This can be the most critical point in any conflict resolution process. We can’t change another person with sheer force of will or a screaming match. When an argument is repeated over and over, it means that a person feels they have not yet been heard.

Tip 6: Show humility by acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes in action and judgment, including your side. No person is perfect. This acknowledgement will lead to a collective sigh of relief, building empathy and paving the way for all to come together.

Tip 7: Celebrate a shared value and revisit a favorite memory. You may not agree with your relatives about the outcome of the midterms. But you, Grandpa Frank, Cousin Franny and the others love your country in equal measure.

So, instead of feeling dread, let’s gather this Thanksgiving with the idea that the exchange of diverse viewpoints is as American as apple (or pumpkin) pie.

Dinkin is president of the National Conflict Resolution Center, a San Diego-based group working to create solutions to challenging issues, including intolerance and incivility. To learn about NCRC’s programming, visit ncrconline.com