The Daily Mauling: 7.19.2024

The Daily Mauling: 7.18.2024

Why don’t you bring this potato? It’s pretty big. Mom, you’re always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? I just think they’re neat.

The Daily Mauling: 7.17.2024

You’re Darryl Strawberry. Yes. You play right field. Yes. I play right field too. So? Are you better than me? Well, I’ve never met you, but... yes.

The Daily Mauling: 7.16.2024

I want the most intelligent Hamster you’ve got. This little guy writes mysteries under the name of J.D. MacGregor. How can a hamster write mysteries? Well, he gets the ending first. Then he works backward.

The Daily Mauling: 7.15.2024

Hens love roosters, Geese love ganders. Everyone else loves Ned Flanders!

The Daily Mauling: 7.13.2024

Why don’t you invite him over to dinner, turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he’s not expecting it- Bam! The old fork in the eye. Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There’s always a first time.

The Daily Mauling: 7.12.2024

You call that a knife? This is a knife. That’s not a knife. That’s a spoon. All right, all right. You win. I see you’ve played knifie-spoonie before.

The Daily Mauling: 7.11.2024

They’re all covered with filthy germs! Aren’t they, Smithers? Why, what do you mean, sir? Freemasons run the country! Ew!

The Daily Mauling: 7.10.2024

Coming soon, it’s Truckasaurus: The Movie starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus. You crazy car. I don’t know whether to eat you or kiss you. Celebrity voice impersonated.

The Daily Mauling: 7.9.2024

Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test the more funding the school gets. So don’t knock yourselves out.

The Daily Mauling: 7.8.2024

Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub. I’ll finally know what "J" stands for. From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer... Jay Simpson! It’s so beautiful.

Takeaways from the Big 12 Preseason Football Rankings

How do the Jayhawks stack up against the rest of the conference?

The Weekend Mauling: 7.6.2024

Oh, Marge. You are such a wet blanket. If we’d listened to you, we wouldn’t have sponsored that Mexican wrestler.

The Daily Mauling: 7.5.2024

Joe’s Crematorium— you kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.

The 4th of July Mauling

The Daily Mauling: 7.3.2024

Order now and you’ll also get Sun and Run - The suntan lotion that’s also a laxative.

The Daily Mauling: 7.2.2024

Oh. Diablo Canyon 2... why can’t you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

The Daily Mauling: 7.1.2024

Only a moron wouldn’t cast his vote for Monty Burns!

The Weekend Mauling: 6.29.2024

This is finally really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes... I know I’m gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

The Daily Mauling: 6.28.2024

Oh, no. I just made my last payment.

The Daily Mauling: 6.27.2024

So bring the whole family— Mom, Dad, kids... uh, no old people. They’re not covered by our insurance.

The Daily Mauling: 6.26.2024

And so, Springfield’s heat wave continues with today’s temperature exceeding the record for this date, set way back four billion years ago when the Earth was just a ball of molten lava.

The Daily Mauling: 6.25.2024

Hey, kids! We’re eatin’ dinner tonight! Come on. Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillon, Dermott, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlan, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, lan, Lauren, Q- Bert, Phil.

The Daily Mauling: 6.24.2024

This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No, and if they don’t get here soon, it’ll be T.S. For them. I don’t feel right.

The Weekend Mauling: 6.22.2024

Apple... apple... apple... Come on, candy bar. Hey, I know you. You’re that first apple I didn’t want!

The Daily Mauling: 6.21.2024

Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that?

The Daily Mauling: 6.20.2024

Well, why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It’s a scientific fact.

The Daily Mauling: 6.19.2024

We’re both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it!

KU Football Tacks On Five New 2025 Commitments

How much of an impact can each new recruit be expected to have?

The Daily Mauling: 6.18.2024

Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster? How does a nice little girl like you, know a big word like that?