There are approximately 13 million peri or postmenopausal people in the UK right now, according to leading organisation Menopause Support.
Thanks to the likes of Davina McCall, the Countess of Wessex, Gwyneth Paltrow and Andrea McLean among others, in recent years the topic has gone mainstream around the world with documentaries, podcasts, TV shows, books and comedy sketches shining a light on the menopausal experience. Menopause has now firmly claimed its stake in national consciousness and it’s not going away any time soon.
Closer to home, as a 20-something year old woman, I’ve been having these conversations with my mum Michelle, aged 56.
While it’s often a topic that parents shy away from discussing with their children, in embarrassment or for lack of understanding about the topic itself, it’s been key to cultivating an understanding and a compassionate relationship between my mum and I as she navigates this time.
When we sat down at our kitchen table to discuss the topic at hand, I realised I was not only just speaking to my mum in an attempt to understand her personal experience and how it was affecting her, but it was also a conversation with a woman experiencing a massive change in her life that I will go through some day too.
It was an eye-opening experience, and one I am very grateful for. It has shaped my understanding in a whole new way, and changed how I will approach discussing menopause when it's my turn. For my mum, it gave her the space to talk openly and honestly about her experience and share the realities of her menopause.
Here's what happened when we got candid...
When did menopause start for you?
M: "To be honest, I have no idea. I had the contraceptive coil removed at 45 and I had a little bleeding after that. I thought, ‘That's menopause over and done!’. It was only in the last few years that I started having other symptoms, and because of the Davina McCall documentary, I realised it probably is menopause."
What menopause symptoms have you experienced?
M: "Oh, the list is quite long! One of my major symptoms was anxiety and forgetfulness, which made me think I had early onset dementia and that was upsetting. I have hot flushes from my neck to my head, on and off. Sometimes, I get an itchy back to the point where I want to rip my skin off. I often feel tired and headachy. I need the bathroom more, too."
Did you seek support for your menopause experience?
M: "Not at the beginning because I didn't know I was in menopause. That changed after I saw the Davina documentary. I sat there with your dad and he said, ‘Some of this is you!’. I contacted my GP and she suggested antidepressants, which I didn't want to take. The other option was HRT, which initially I also didn’t want, but I was struggling so much that I knew I needed to try it."
Has menopause affected your day-to-day life?
M: "It’s affected my job a little. I’ve had instances where I'm in the middle of a professional conversation and I can't think of the words I want to say. So, I keep a lot of lists. I work in a school, and the team is great. When I joined, the Trust were discussing implementing a menopause policy. I said I’d be more than happy to be a part of it. I'm now in a small group that’s putting a policy together. I feel empowered by the fact that the organisation I work for appreciates this can be a difficult time, and wants to offer support."
What has been the most challenging part of menopause so far?
M: "Physical symptoms of the menopause have been challenging. I’m not on HRT anymore because it caused problems with fibroids I have. I was told I either continue with HRT (which made me feel better), but there’s a chance that they can become cancerous. For me it was a no-brainer, considering my grandmother died of womb cancer."
What has been the best part of menopause so far?
M: "Having these conversations with you has been great. I never had these chats with my mum because she passed away when I was 33. Also, not having to worry about painful periods has been great, when I was younger, mine were awful.”
Do you feel like it has changed your relationships?
M: "You and I have always had a great relationship and we've always spoken about things. A lot of my friends are going through menopause, and we chat with each other too. Your dad is so supportive. His main concern is to be there for me. He insisted on watching the Davina programme with me to understand how it is for women."
Has menopause affected how you see yourself?
M: "I've never been one of these people who wants to try and stay young, but it's been difficult to accept that I’ve come to the end of my reproductive cycle. Though, I've always understood that bodily change happens with age. I never been body confident, but menopause has impacted my body and the way I see myself anyway.
"I've had to find other ways to deal with the changes because I can't take HRT. Leaning on family members and talking to friends who are also going through it has been my main way to cope. The Kaye Adams' book Still Hot: 42 Brilliantly Honest Menopause Stories also helped me come to terms with it because I was reading about the range of symptoms people have, so I knew my individual symptoms weren't random. It does feel like an ongoing journey to acceptance, but understanding the stage of life I'm in helps me to accept those changes and what they mean for me."
How do you feel about women in the public eye speaking out about menopause?
M: "I'm very grateful that women in the public eye have put this out there. It's no longer just a case of ‘Oh, she's going through the change’ or, ‘She’s being snappy and having a bit of a meltdown’."
What advice would you give to other parents?
M: "Don't be scared to have these conversations with family members, it might even bring you closer. It also means they have a better understanding of how you're feeling."
Why did you feel it was important to share your menopause experience with me?
M: "I'm passionate that you understand what it's like so you don't have the lack of awareness I had. I knew that your period stops, you get hot flushes, and then it goes. But, there’s so much more. It also breaks my heart to hear about women who have mental health issues because they feel isolated. I want us to feel empowered and able to deal with it in a positive way. I want us all to have the support of our loved ones and medical experts. I feel more empowered now than I’ve ever felt. I didn't know what was going on, but now I do. This is me. This is the stage of life that I'm at, and it's fine. It's not the end of the world!"
What do you want me to know and understand about this time for you?
M: "It can be difficult. I have good and bad days. Some days that are just ‘meh’. I love you very much, and I want it to be positive for you, when it's your turn."
Expert-approved tips for talking to your children about menopause
"Women’s health has always been taboo from periods to naming body parts it has been a subject shrouded in mystery. And, I think menopause is an extension of this," explains Dr Naomi Potter founder of Menopause Care.
She adds that children are often worried or embarrassed talking about subjects they feel are a secret. But, having "an open and honest conversation in a way that is sensitive both to the mother and child is the best way forward," Dr Potter explains.
When it comes to mothers talking to their daughters about their experience, they should be aware of how impactful this conversation could be. "This is a personal subject and this should be respected, but they may realise the more information they can pass on to the daughters the better prepared they will be in exactly the same way as puberty and pregnancy is discussed," Dr Potter says.
"My advice is to have an open culture of questions and answers from as soon as children are old enough to ask," Dr Potter advises. "If questions are asked, answer them honestly. Give as much information as they ask for in a language they can understand."
Stuck for ideas of how to approach menopause with your children? Why not try:
- Watching a documentary or listening to a podcast on the topic together
- Giving them real-life examples to put your experience into context
- Use the above questions for inspiration and to guide a conversation
- Give them the opportunity to ask questions as and when they want to
Where to get support for your menopause experience
To ensure you find the right support, it's important to understand where you are in your menopause journey.
Perimenopause usually starts in the early-mid 40s when hormone levels fluctuate more regularly. Menopause itself usually begins around the early 50s, and occurs when you go 12 months without a period. However, it can also happen to people under the age of 40 as a result of surgery or medical treatment. Post-menopause are the years that follow.
"There are many symptoms, and these can differ for everyone," explains Diane Danzebrink, founder of Menopause Support. While common symptoms can include changes to sleep, urinary frequency or urgency and hot flushes, Diane also points out that it is a common misconception that all symptoms are physical. They can also be cognitive (e.g. forgetfulness) and psychological (e.g. anxiety).
"Stress is a hormone disruptor, so making small changes to your lifestyle and finding time for yourself can be helpful when managing symptoms, even if it’s just a few moments to breathe."
Menopause Support has a symptom checker that can help you determine if the changes you're experiencing are an indicator of menopause, and help you understand what the next steps could be.
As we continue to open up the conversation around menopause, with our family, friends and colleagues, there are a growing number of resources available to those who are experiencing menopause or those who simply want to learn more.
Daisy Network
Daisy Network is a charity that supports those who experience premature ovarian insufficiency (POI), also known as early menopause. The charity’s website is packed with resources and news on the latest research, plus a membership that offers medical advice and a friendly network of others also experiencing POI.
ACAS
For menopause support in the workplace, ACAS, an organisation that gives employees and employers free, impartial advice on workplace rights, has a range of resources on understanding and supporting those experiencing menopause in the workplace. It includes how to support and speak with staff about menopause at work, and the laws surrounding this area.
Queer Menopause
Queer Menopause, founded by London-based psychotherapist and counsellor Tania Glyde, works to raise awareness of LGBTQIA+ experiences of menopause, promotes inclusive resources and campaigns for better education for therapists and healthcare professionals about the needs of LGBTQIA+ people experiencing menopause.
Menopause Whilst Black
Hosted by Karen Arthur, Menopause Whilst Black explores the menopausal experience of UK-based Black women. In her latest episode, Karen chats with her two daughters about womanhood, mental health and preparing for the changes that come with menopause.
For more information and insight into menopause, see our edit of the best books about perimenopause and menopause below
Confessions of a Menopausal Woman
Citadel Press The Menopause Manifesto: Own Your Health with Facts and Feminism
Green Tree Perimenopause Power: Navigating your hormones on the journey to menopause
