After scrolling through Instagram, it’s easy to start believing that everyone else is perfect… especially this time of year. Timelines are awash with acquaintances and influencers alike enjoying vacations at gay beach destinations, with pics of their ripped bods and bacchanalian nights out.
The whole scene seems very intimidating, never mind unwelcoming. But as one ages, he realizes the Instagays and their six-pack abs are just an illusion. A frustrated young gay man in London is learning that valuable lesson from some elders in the community, or at least, people older than 21!
On Sunday, “Josh” expressed disappointment with his perception of the superficial gay dating scene. “I honestly hate gay dating standards so much,” he posted. “I don’t have a six pack or jawline. I don’t go clubbing all the time. I don’t listen to newer artists much. I don’t have a skin care routine. I don’t travel cos I’m broke. I eat junk food. I’m a nerd. I like comics and video games.”
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I honestly hate gay dating standards so much. I don’t have a six pack or jawline. I don’t go clubbing all the time. I don’t listen to newer artists much. I don’t have a skin care routine. I don’t travel cos I’m broke. I eat junk food. I’m a nerd. I like comics and videogames.
— Josh (@hellasnowy) July 7, 2024
Of course, gay men are far from the only cohort who struggle with self-image. Dating is hard for everybody, as many commenters mentioned. “I know this doesn’t help, but str8 women can relate,” someone replied. “There must be guys out there with the same nerdy hobbies who don’t have superficial standards! Keep looking – you’re young!”
“I definitely relate to this but as a black trans woman,” added another commenter.
Statistically, there is truth to the notion that queer people are more likely to be single than their heterosexual peers. According to Pew Research, 47% of gay, lesbian or bi adults say they’re single, compared to 29% of straight adults.
But those numbers aren’t a reflection of unattainable standards. Instead, they indicate a different track of development. When a 28-year-old posed the question on Reddit, people pointed out that LGBTQ+ adults often start dating later in life. Thus, it may take longer to find a partner.
“Many gay people find it difficult to meet other gay people when they’re teenagers, so they miss out on the opportunities their straight peers have as teens,” someone mentioned.
Others agreed.
“This was it for me. I was 24 before I ever even tried dating,” a person added.
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Unshackled from societal expectations, gay people can afford to grow romantically at their own pace. Perspectives shift with time, as “Josh” was soon informed.
“One of the most freeing things you can do as a gay adult is leaning into yourself,” someone remarked. “We think everyone is partying, hooking up, traveling 24/7 bc you can’t really talk about the bars you don’t go to, the sex you’re not having, the trips you’re not on. Embrace what you are enjoying!”
One of the most freeing things you can do as a gay adult is leaning into yourself. We think everyone is partying, hooking up, traveling 24/7 bc you can’t really talk about the bars you don’t go to, the sex you’re not having, the trips you’re not on. Embrace what you are enjoying! https://t.co/24zrlgwcmc
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) July 7, 2024
Loving yourself is truly the key to romantic success. It attracts men who are good matches because they’re drawn to your confidence and it repels men who aren’t worth your time!!! I want to be with someone who loves the me I also love!!!
— Andy Herren (@AndyHerren) July 7, 2024
Honestly I think it’s so cute every generation has this thought process at 21, honestly Josh as you go on in life you realize none of that shit matters . Nobody cares, just do your own thing with confidence and it all falls into place later, or you realize standards can be fun https://t.co/5ooqIHco0z
— Dandyist (@BraveArcanine) July 8, 2024
As a person makes more trips around the gayborhood, they begin to realize that everyone is flawed… even those with tens of thousands to spend on a house share in Fire Island (sometimes especially so)!
this user is 21 and although the post is getting dunked on it just makes me nostalgic for when I first came out and felt overwhelmed and intimidated by “the gay male community” before I realized they were less like scary models and more like muppets. I miss being so vulnerable https://t.co/nHlE7XHQWE
— JP (@jpbrammer) July 8, 2024
Coming out is a journey, and relationships are always evolving. It can take time to settle in, and find the right group of friends.
Soon enough, you begin to realize the men in your phone are just that… men in your phone! As Outsports’ Cyd Zeigler and others mentioned, it’s a big gay world out there.
“If you think you need to have a six pack and ‘jawline’ and ‘go clubbing’ to date gay guys, you’re running in the wrong crowd” Cyd wrote. “Yes, in some circles you do. Find another circle. There are plenty of gay nerds who like comics. They just might not have a six pack or ‘jawline.'”
Love yourself first. You don’t need to date if you’re being treated poorly from it. Treat yourself.
— Derek Kage (@DerekKageXXX) July 8, 2024
Continue to be yourself! Never change thinking it’s going to get easier because you will lose yourself. Continue being you and enjoying whatever you like because you may think no one will have the same interest but you are wrong. There are gays out there who do not fit into that…
— Jesse 🔪 (@JHorrorOfficial) July 8, 2024
You don’t need to have any of these to find a quality man. Believe me.
— Timothy (@timsown) July 7, 2024
Do you consistently look for a men that are your preferred type?
Open your options to other types of men and you will find the dating pool to be so much wider than what you’re dealing with now.
Though there are many, many downsides to social media (as previously mentioned), one of the positives is the ability to reach queer folx from across the world. If Josh gained one takeaway from the experience, it’s that he’s not alone.
“So many replies omg. I didn’t expect this to leave my circle but anyway. Thank you (most of you) for being so kind. I’ve been working on my authenticity for a while to battle the co-dependency I’ve had,” he replied.
Oftentimes, opening up is all it takes. If you have a particular insecurity, chances are another person has it, too.
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There’s a million ways LGBTQ+ people are finding love, and no two stories are the same!
SFMike
If we can believe that the photo on your post is accurate then you should have no problems dating in the real world that has been slowly corrupted by our digital lives on the Internet. Get out of the house and into the physical world as someone as cute as you should have no problem finding friends your own age without the fantasy laden filter of an app between you and the real life. Risk taking is what makes life exciting but risk taking through the filter of a dating/hookup app is fraught with more negative outcomes than you’ll find in an expedition into reality of a local gay watering hole if they haven’t all closed.
barryaksarben
you are smart and you will be just fine. Nothing is more attractive to real people than for you to be yourself. DOnt ever compromise out of FOMO. You have lots of time and if it helps this guy finds you absolutely adorable. there are like minded people out there for you to bond with and if you are honest and kind you will find THE guy or guys if that is what you want. No one is beautiful on the outside forever, we all age. However , if you are beautiful inside that will. keep getting better as you age
winemaker
What a great inspirational story. That said this guy’s young and scared of dating. Maybe he dated or tried to date girls in school and that wasn’t for him and if he did, the terror of approaching the object of his desire and asking her out was scary, would she accept or reject him.. As gay men we do things differently obviously but the logistics are pretty much the same., we ask guys out, they accept or decline and we go on dates with men who sometimes turn out to be wrong for us for various reasons. One thing for sure there are lots of men out there who aren’t worth your time as they’re losers, play games, are flaky, shalow and superficial. Your job is to weed out these time wasters. There’re other men out there, the ones you want to attract who’re real and are attracted to confidential men who are respectful have nice personalies, are interesting and are genuine throughout. These guys won’t waste your time for the most part as they’re looking for the same. As for me I came out in my mid 20’s, ( although I knew I was gay at 15 years of age but stayed in the closet ), was terribly overweight at over 350LBS, shy and going nowhere with my life and hung around a bunch of toxic so called friends that I eventually dumped. When I came out I moved on, explored gay life, went to the bars, tried to meet guys and fit in, was pretty much unsuccessful meeting quality guys and had my share of one night stands, a couple of these lasted a month or two but for the most part were very short term. I’d go out to some of the local bars make idle chit chat with some men, would get attitude or be ignored completely and I’d go home alone discouraged. When I came out I realized being overweight ( in the gay community ) wasn’t accepted and this was my incentive to really get serious about weight loss. I got serious about losing weight and getting fit, I joined a gym, began dieting and the weight came off in spurts which encouraged me to work harder at it ( I was going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 2 hours per day at the time ) and starving myself. I became obcessive about losing weight and often wondered how much weight I had to lose to be at least be acknowledged, talked to and be accepted. As the weight came off slowly at first, men seemed friendlier yet were shallow and superficial. The first time i went into a gay bar at 26 years of age, the men were rude and downright nasty to me and gave me attitude so badly I got tired of it and eventually stopped going out figuring there must be a better way to meet quality men who were into real guys, not gym bunnies, with 6 packs and 30″ waists and open to dating to meet quality men and didn’t play mind games. Over time I became weary of gay life and a few years ago by chance I met a wonderful guy at church, Daniel, who is becoming the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s nice looking, kind and considerate, interesting, smart and he likes me for who I am and I like Daniel more and more each day. I thank God I approached him and started the conversation instead of letting things fall by the way side like in the past where nothing happened. We’ve had a few good dates and each time we get together i’m in heaven. My only regret, he’ll never meet my mother who would love him and who passed away 2 days after 9-11 2001