When We Use Screens to Reward Kids, They Use Screens More

"If you don't behave at the party, you'll have no screens later." "If you get a good grade on that homework, you'll have more iPad time." These ways of talking to kids about screentime are understandable—and yet recent research suggests there may be a more effective way to talk to tweens and teens.

Having conversations with tweens and teens can help find a healthy screen time balance.

Source: Pexels, Cliff Booth

If you have a tween or teen, as I do, you may well be wondering how to manage screentime in a way that's reasonable and that also respects their growing independence. Is there a middle ground between “no screens” and “do whatever you want”? And does our own screentime matter? One recent large study gives us insight.

As of June 2024, researcher Jason Nagata at the University of California-San Francisco and colleagues analyzed a dataset of over 10,000 12- and 13-year-olds and their parents to understand the links between how we talk about screentime and kids' screentime use. What they found reveals just how closely our screentime use and our kids' use are linked.

Also, it shows us how our conversations about when kids "get" screentime matter. It's not just about the amount—it's about whether we're using screentime as a punishment or reward or not. The short answer: using screens as a way to manage kids' behavior links to them using screens more, and in less healthy ways.

Specifically, Nagata and colleagues found that a few key parental factors were linked to tweens and teens being on screens more and to using screens and social media in "problematic" ways. These factors included 1) how much parents were on screens, 2) how much parents used screens at bedtime and at meals, and 3) how much parents used screens to control kids' behavior.

The researchers defined "problematic" screen use using a social media addiction questionnaire, with questions like: "I use social media apps so I can forget about my problems” (using social media to manage their moods) and "I spend a lot of time thinking about social media apps or planning my use of social media apps” (how much mental space device use takes up).

That's an important measure: it considers not just how much kids are using screens, but also how they think and feel when using them. Just as important as the amount of time is the why behind screen use.

Why should we care about the why? Think about the difference between two kids of the same age. Nick, a 13-year-old boy, uses social media to connect with his friends a few hours per week. Outside of the time he spends on the sites, he doesn't think much about the apps. It doesn't affect him much emotionally.

Conversations can help kids decide on their screen time priorities.

Source: Pexels, Ron Lach

Contrast Nick with Julie. Julie is also 13 and spends the exact same amount of time on social media apps. But for her, when she's not on the apps, she's almost always thinking about them. She's worried that her friend didn't "like" her post, and that her follower count has decreased over the past few weeks. She's often taking pictures that might show her in a better light on Instagram. When she's in school, she's often planning what her social media posts might look like.

These two kids are "on" social media exactly the same amount. On the surface, their usage might look the same. But the key difference lies in how much mental space this social media use is taking up. In a healthier use, kids aren't constantly thinking about their lives in terms of their social media use. Instead, it's just a part of a much richer life. Ideally, if screens are a part of children’s lives, they’re a way of connecting with others and exploring. They’re not taking up way too much mental space.

So how can we help kids learn to use screens responsibly, in a world where it's all too easy to go overboard? The research suggests that making screens a “carrot” or reward for good behavior isn’t the ideal. Instead, try the following:

1. Be mindful of your own screentime.

As I well know, easier said than done. Whether you're working remotely or using screens to decompress, it can be really tough to shut off. Still, being aware of where and how you’re using your own screens can help. Especially consider if there are places and spaces you can make device-free, at least for a bit. Maybe it’s the breakfast table or at dinners out. Or maybe you can all agree on a time after school or before bed to put the phones away.

Social Media Essential Reads

How to Guard Yourself Against Fake News

The Dark Side of Social Media

2. Figure out a tailored plan alongside the kids in your life.

Help the kids in your life set priorities in terms of their screen use. Which ways of using screens are most important to them? Which ways help them stay connected to their friends? Encourage them to emphasize these uses when’re on their devices.

3. Try not to tie screen use to “good” or “bad” behavior.

As I’ve seen, this can set up a negative spiral where kids act out, get less screentime, and act out more in response. Instead, focus on making a “screen plan” that makes sense for you and your kids. Try to find a reasonable compromise. Focus on the top priorities your children have for screentime use. Keep in mind that the plan can evolve. And, if possible, model healthy uses of screentime in your own life.

When it comes to screentime, there are no easy answers. Still, keep in mind that it can be a conversation. Especially with tweens and teens, the conversation you have will set a foundation for them to be healthier users of screens in the years to come.