The Destructive Voice of Self-Shame and How to Break Free

Source: Photo by Gage Walker on Unsplash

Living with self-shame is like having a 24-hour critical inside your head, constantly judging, labeling, and humiliating you.

That toxic self-shaming voice seeks to limit you, hold you back, and defer growth. Left unchecked, it eats away at your self-worth, undermines your confidence, and can morph into crippling anxiety that destroys any chance of lasting happiness.

Where does self-shaming come from? How did it gain so much power over you?

Derek’s Battle With Self-Shame

Derek, a young man in one of my weekly therapy groups talked about his crippling social fears. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he admitted, “I feel so much shame all the time.”

“About what?” a group member asked.

“My weight, my voice, the way I walk, how people look at me.” He paused and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. “I guess I feel shame about being me.”

Derek had been bullied at school, neglected by his family, and mocked by kids in his neighborhood. Over the years, he internalized those negative external voices. In other words, the hostile voices in his environment became his dominant internal voice. He learned to mistreat and judge himself the way he had been mistreated and judged by others.

To help Derek break-free from the shackles of self-shame, let’s investigate the personal historical roots of self-shaming.

The Roots of Self-Shame

Self-shaming is a learned behavior that originates from three possible sources:

1. Family

Parents or siblings that engage in “teasing” leave emotional scars. Over-critical, punishing, abusive parents or siblings are perhaps the most common triggers of self-shaming behaviors.

2. Peers

Children and teenagers can be particularly vicious in scapegoating the vulnerable by mocking and humiliating anyone they perceive as different or threatening.

3. Society

Every culture perpetuates its prejudices and targets people who appear “different” from the dominant culture. External qualities such as skin color, weight, ethnicity, and sexual orientation are among the most targeted populations. Sadly, oppressed people too frequently internalize the oppressor.

Evicting the Self-Shaming Voice

Once you identify the roots of your self-shaming voice, you’ll need a plan to evict it. It will be a mighty battle, but the rewards of eliminating your self-shaming voice will dramatically improve every aspect of your life.

1. Capture Painful Memories in a Journal

Childhood memories content vital information about the roots of your self-shame. Categorize the times you were shamed by others and make a note of the particular words they used. Write those negative words and phrases down and see how they resonate with your self-shaming voice.

2. Break the Silence

Silence breeds shame. It’s crucial that you find a friend, a therapist, a support group — anyone you can talk to about the role shame plays in your life. Gathering such supportive people around you is essential to winning this battle

3. Increase Self-Care

Exercise, creative outlets, meditation, daily walks; such activities bring fresh energy into your day. If you have trouble motivating yourself, enlist the help of a friend. Think of this battle as an emotional marathon; you’ll need to raise the bar on your self-care to win.

4. Set Positive Affirmations

Make a list of your positive qualities. What makes you unique? What talents do you have? What are you grateful for? One patient that I work with found that covering her apartment with Post-it notes with inspirational quotes and positive self-affirmations was an excellent way to keep her focused.

5. Talk Back to Your Self-Shaming Voice

Start to talk back to your shaming voice, expose it for the fraud it is. Some people find it helpful to give the voice a name to separate from it. Remember, your self-shaming voice is not your authentic voice. It is not a part of your core identity. The weaker your self-shaming voice becomes, the stronger your true voice will grow. If your friends are critical and weigh you down, it's time to confront them or reconsider the value of those friendships.

Embarrassment Essential Reads

Humiliations Galore: Surviving, Perhaps Thriving?

Managing Embarrassment

Derek's New Life

After several months in group therapy, Derek’s mood dramatically improved. He developed healthier friendships and experience less anxiety in public. Recently, when someone noticed the changes and asked what shifted in him, he said simply, “I decided to be the awesome person I am.”

Launch Your Battle to Break Free of Self-Shame

Breaking free of self-shame takes time and practice. There will be days when you feel liberated and days when you feel trapped. Keep applying the five steps, keep pressing forward, and focus on replacing self-shame with self-praise and compassion.

As Nelson Mandela wrote: " ... playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking ... As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Do you still need more self-help advice? Check out these posts:

• "How to Win the Battle With Yourself"
• "Trains That Breed Hopelessness and 5 Ways to Create Hope"
• "Reversing Negative Thinking Through Gratitude"

For information on therapy groups or workshops, visit my website.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.