The Helper's Dilemma: How to Truly Help Another Person

Helping another person improve in an area of their life that is important to them is one of the noblest and most valuable things in life. But how does one truly help another person? Coaching, mentoring, and counseling are increasingly evident in many walks of life, from business to sports to personal effectiveness and life happiness. In addition to simply helping a friend, associate, or family member work through a difficulty or opportunity, the pursuit has also become a multi-billion-dollar industry.

The answer lies not only in the helper but also in the person seeking or needing help. Let me explain.

The principles of adaptive change and mutual support are essential for personal growth and effective help

Source: DallE/OpenAI

Let’s start with the person seeking or needing help. Researchers have found several critical elements that determine the possibility of change or growth for a person. One key element is the degree of motivation to change; another is the level of self-awareness of the person relative to the desired or needed change (Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Neuroscientists have discovered that the degree of urgency of the perceived change and the clarity of the specific behavior that might signal the change are crucial. Helping a person gain more clarity in both dimensions is a critical role of the helper.

In my work of consulting and leadership/executive coaching I often encounter people in critical roles whose bosses want them to work with a coach. However, they often lack self-awareness of the problem or opportunity and a sense of what really needs to change (Eurich, 2018). This is not an optimal set of conditions for helping.

If we can get past this first hurdle, which is a big one, for sure, the next step is to examine how you can check up on yourself to ensure you are doing your best to help another, whether as a professional helper or just in helping a friend.

One idea emerging from the field of change and growth is the notion of adaptive change. One way to understand this is by considering its opposite, which can be called “technical change.” If a helper sees a person or problem, even an opportunity, as a switch that needs to be flipped, they might adopt the paradigm of providing information, a solution, or an idea that, if adopted, would “fix” the problem, like flipping a switch. We see the other as a target of our brilliance and aim our solution squarely at this target. This approach doesn’t usually work well.

An adaptive approach suggests that change is complex, and the helper’s job is to set the table for the person, helping them fully look into the situation and opportunity and examine themselves (Heifetz, Grashow, & Linsky, 2009). It assumes that the person is whole, resourceful, and creative.

The helper’s role is to stand side by side with the other, looking at the problem together or even just witnessing the other in their own self-exploration. Even the notion of simply believing in the intrinsic value of another—the self-fulfilling prophecy, the Pygmalion Effect—is very powerful in truly helping another person.

An adaptive approach to helping acknowledges the complexity of each person and change, and honors the person as capable. Equally important is that when the light bulb of an idea comes from within the individual, the commitment to change and grow is infinitely more lasting and powerful than when the idea comes from another.

Take a look at your values, skills, intentions, and approach to helping others. Your impact as a helper in this most sacred of spaces will expand and grow.