4 Ways We Miscommunicate in Love Relationships

Source: Mohamed Hassan/Pixabay

Sometimes, we think that if we just try harder to communicate well with a mate, we can solve the problem of miscommunication. Increased effort does not always solve the problem. Understanding when and how we miscommunicate does. Troubled romantic relationships are often sabotaged by unconscious issues, says marriage and family therapist William J. Matta. Here are four ways unconscious matters can derail communication efforts.

Magical Thinking

When a person thinks or wishes something and then believes it actually takes place, they are engaging in magical thinking.. A person’s wishes and thoughts are assumed to be the same as doing or taking action.

A woman shows her husband a fur coat in a magazine: “Isn’t this pretty?” He responds, “Yes, it is.” Nothing more is said. Several months later after opening Christmas presents, the wife asks her husband, “Where’s my fur coat?” Her husband is perplexed. “What fur coat?” “The one I showed you in a magazine a few months ago.”

The wife engaged in magical thinking. She liked the coat in the magazine and wanted it. She assumed wanting it would magically result in her husband buying it for her. She never asked. She never had a dialogue with her husband about purchasing it. The event was all in her mind. You can see the confusion her magical thinking introduces in their relationship.

Projection

Projection occurs when you attribute to another person what you think or feel. Since no two people think the same, projections create falsehoods and conflict.

Mike and Leslie are not getting along well. They discuss divorce. Mike has become hot-tempered and erratic with Leslie. He does not like the divorce discussion and is angry at Leslie. At one point he balls up his fist and holds it menacingly in front of Leslie’s face. He says, “You’d like to hit me, wouldn’t you?” Leslie is scared and confused. She does not want to hit Mike. His gesture suggests that he wants to hit her. Mike is projecting his desire to hurt Leslie onto her. He wants to be rid of his own intolerable thoughts of hitting Leslie, so he projects his thoughts onto her. The miscommunication confuses both of them.

Double Standards

People can be very generous to one person and cruelly withholding and stingy to another, without realizing they are enacting a double standard.

Darryl and Eva have been married for two years. They have complaints about one another. Eva says Darryl is very critical of her. He complains that she doesn’t do the laundry to his satisfaction, she spends too much money., and her cooking is terrible. Eva feels angry and dejected. She does not believe that what Darryl says about her is true.

Eva notices Darryl praise and generosity toward her mother, his mother-in-law. He brings her flowers, praises her cooking, and offers to run errands for her. Darryl believes the different ways of relating to the two women are reasonable and justified. He does not see how his double standard creates problems in his marital relationship.

Source: Gerd Altmann/Pixabay

Assuming Others Think Like Us

Another unconscious way we create miscommunication in relationships is by assuming that others think the way we do. No two people think exactly alike. Nonetheless we often assume our partner thinks as we do. This resulting miscommunication creates frustration and the feeling that we never completely understand what our mates have said or what their viewpoints are.

Bill is leaving home for a six-week business trip. He is unaccustomed to such long solo trips. Unasked, his wife Maddie intervenes in Bill’s packing and planning for the trip. She does most of the work and assumes Bill cannot manage on his own. Bill believes he can manage quite well on the trip. He grows angry at her taking charge of his preparations. Neither talks to the other about Maddie’s intrusion into his preparations for the trip.

When he leaves on his trip, Maddie phones him several times a day to ask how he is and to see what he needs help with. Bill begins to feel he’s inept. He grows angry with Maddie. Maddie becomes frustrated, then irate, believing Bill spurns her needed help. They argue. One cannot understand the other.

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Bill thinks he can do quite well and that Maddie should also think this. Maddie thinks that Bill needs attentive, constant help from her. She cannot grasp why Bill does not see this and why he thinks that he can manage his trip on his own. They have major miscommunication over believing one should think like the other.

How to Improve Communication

Since we all believe our thinking is reasonable and our judgments spot-on, we assume many things about ourselves and others. Such mental leaps occur unconsciously, rapidly, and outside conscious, realistic life.

We must overcome barriers to thinking clearly.

We can do this in two ways. One, we can better observe ourselves and our mates. We must do this simultaneously, observing what we do and what the other person does at the same time. We must learn to observe how differently we each exhibit thoughts, behaviors, judgments, and emotions. Doing so allows us to begin to deal with others in reality not through our unconscious assumptions.

Two, we need to learn to ask questions of our mates and ourselves. How do you see this situation? Here’s how I see it. Whose problem it is? Who should have responsibility? Should I or you intervene or not? What is the best course of action after observing both of us and after considering all courses of action?

Observing closely and asking questions of yourself and your romantic partner can diminish unconscious influences on your miscommunications and bring you closer to operating in reality. This will reduce romantic relationship conflict.