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Key points
- Supporting a struggling adult child is an emotional and challenging experience for any parent.
- Struggling adult children may exhibit reactivity or defensiveness as they navigate their challenges.
- It's easy to fall into the trap of only seeing the negatives when your adult child struggles.
Supporting a struggling adult child is a deeply emotional and often challenging experience for any parent. Adult children who are hurting are often grappling with mental health issues, low self-esteem, underemployment, or substance use-related concerns. Drawing from my parent coaching practice, here are seven impactful ways that parents—let's call them "Jen" and "Tim"—can help their 28-year-old, "Ben."
1. Don't Take Their Reactivity Personally
Struggling adult children may exhibit reactivity or defensiveness as they navigate their challenges. Jen and Tim mustn’t take this behavior personally. When Ben reacts negatively or defensively, Jen and Tim should remember that this behavior is often a manifestation of his internal struggles rather than a direct attack.
I encourage the parents I coach to see themselves as empowering emotion regulation coaches versus parents who feel stuck. This perspective helps them stay calm and continue providing the necessary support without getting entangled in emotional conflicts. All of the steps in this post put you in the emotion-regulation coach lane versus being caught in the feeling-stuck lane
2. Convey Understanding
Understanding is a powerful tool in helping struggling adult children. When Jen and Tim delve into the root causes of Ben’s challenges, they can offer more effective and empathetic support. This might involve educating themselves about mental health issues, substance use disorders, and the job market. By understanding what Ben is going through, parents can tailor their support to meet specific needs and foster a deeper connection.
When updating my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, to help parents of adult children, my research suggested that adult child reactivity often stems from frustration, fear, or anxiety. This further suggests that if parents want their voices to resonate rather than dominate, they need to be calm, firm, and noncontrolling to bypass fruitless power struggles.
3. Open Up Communication
Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any supportive relationship. Jen and Tim can encourage Ben to reveal his struggles without fear of judgment. This means listening with profound empathy and demonstrating genuine concern for what Ben is enduring. By creating a sanctuary for honest dialogue, parents can alleviate their child's feelings of isolation and bolster their support, making them feel more involved in their child's life.
4. Advocate for Professional Help
Professional help can be a lifeline for those grappling with mental health issues, substance use, and employment difficulties. Jen and Tim can urge Ben to seek therapy or counseling. Mental health professionals can offer vital coping strategies, while career counselors can assist with job searches and employment strategies. If substance use is a problem, specialized programs and support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous can provide critical resources.
5. Extend Practical Lifelines
Practical assistance can be a significant lifeline. Jen and Tim can help Ben with resume writing, job applications, or networking opportunities. They might also offer temporary financial assistance, but setting clear boundaries and expectations is crucial to prevent dependency. For instance, Tim might leverage his professional contacts to help Ben find a job, while Jen could assist Ben with budgeting and financial planning.
6. Spotlight Positive Behaviors
It's easy to fall into the trap of only seeing the negatives when your adult child struggles. Recognizing and reinforcing positive behaviors and choices can significantly impact a struggling adult child's progress. When Jen and Tim notice Ben making healthy decisions, such as attending therapy sessions, applying for jobs, or maintaining sobriety, they should offer genuine praise and encouragement. This positive reinforcement can boost Ben’s self-esteem and motivate him to make constructive choices. Celebrating small victories and acknowledging efforts can create a sense of accomplishment and progress.
7. Draw Boundaries and Avoid Enabling
Setting healthy boundaries and avoiding enabling behaviors are crucial. Jen and Tim need to balance offering support with fostering independence. They can provide advice and resources without doing everything for Ben. Establishing clear boundaries helps maintain a healthy dynamic and encourages Ben to take responsibility for his actions.
In Conclusion
Supporting a struggling adult child like Ben involves opening up communication, advocating for professional help, delivering practical lifelines, spotlighting positive behaviors, drawing boundaries, and embracing patience and understanding. By adopting these strategies, parents like Jen and Tim can help their child navigate challenges and move toward a healthier, more independent future.
