Are You Trapped in a Conflict? Try This.

A conflict can be painful and frustrating. I understand how difficult conflicts can be, because I’ve been a certified mediator for the last 20 years.

I began a two-year training period with two top Pepperdine University mediation professors, Dr. Randy Lowery and Dr. Peter Robinson. Later I served as a court mediator for the Los Angeles County Court Alternative Dispute Program for three years. For two of my three years with the court, I received the Outstanding Case of the Year Award.

So I’ve been around a lot of people in conflict.

If you’re currently involved in a conflict, here are seven things to think about:

• 1. What is it you really want from this conflict situation? Maybe you haven’t recognized it or acknowledged it. Maybe you’re suing for money but what you really want is an apology. What do you really want?
• 2. Are you taking into consideration all the relevant factors that affect the situation? It may be that other important elements have been left out and not considered. But they may be the most important of all! Look at everything!
• 3. Have you gotten so focused on the dispute that you have lost perspective as to what is really important? Take another look at it.
• 4. Are you open enough to new ideas, and surprising new avenues of thought? The real answer to your conflict may look quite crazy at first. Be open to considering it.
• 5. You may have overstepped your bounds in some way. It happens. Don’t be afraid to admit it and apologize. This is especially difficult for men in our hyper-competitive society, but it’s crucially important. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it. Apologize!
• 6. Here is a valuable technique for regaining perspective: Imagine that you have been dead for a hundred years. You will be many years beyond doing anything that could change or effect your current dispute. Then ask yourself: What do you think your long-dead self would wish you had done differently today in this dispute?

This technique is very helpful in restoring perspective that may have been lost.

• 7. Finally, widen your perspective and look at your life as a whole. Think about some of the things for which you are very grateful! Once you feel truly grateful it’s hard to continue feeling the anger and resentment that accompany a conflict. By releasing yourself from anger and resentment through gratitude, you can release yourself from the emotional heat of conflict to a much cooler problem-solving mode.

So these are seven strategies and tools that I regularly use with my mediation clients. I’ve used them all and they work! I believe you, too, will find them very helpful.