My struggle with a son who has an addiction

It's been weeks since I heard from my son - he has returned to his world where he feels powerful This I know, because when he was trying to walk away from that world he told me he missed the excitement it! How can something so damaging be exciting- I don't understand 12/8/17 My sons best mate for years found my son He spent three days trying to help him withdraw I said I thank you so much for trying but until m wants to stop it will not last He wants so much to 'save' him I have been there many times and last time he was clean for eight months then he received a tax refund - that was it He texted me the night before last M had gone when he got home from work I told him he will be back for food and a place to sleep when it suits him He said he wants to keep him out of jail! I am hoping by me saying for the first time ever - no I won't have you living here while you are bringing your life choice home and making our home unsafe for me to have my grandchildren - he will think a little bit of how his choice of lifestyle affects his family and friends My sister has drug induced serious mental illness and is in and out of Hillmorton regularly The closeness of these stays increasing as she gets older This is not what I want for my son 9/9/17 My sons best mate has told him to come back when he off the crap He gutted he very hurt and can't believe mike would treat him this way I told him it's not mike it's the disease I have joined a Facebook site - mums with drug addict sons I am finding comfort and knowledge from this site I like the message they keep saying - don't hide your child's illness with shame - hold your head up and face it with strength! It is so true drug addiction, even how much there is now, is treated like it is something we as parents have contributed to! don't allow ill educated people to shame you 20/9/17 My AS finally responded to one of my private Facebook messages! He said he will catch up with a coffee-its at least a small step I do keep messaging him I love him but can not have him home while he is still on meths-we only get a small piece of him at the moment - the rest of him the drug owns I am finding it hard mixing with parents who have no idea how this drug changes the addict and their family! They judge heavily and then go on to talk about issues in their life which supposedly are so bad! I know I can't cut myself off from people because they don't or won't understand but it is a isolated battle! 29/9/17 I got a long reply from one of my messages to my son! I must have hit a nerve! I said he was sick - he was not impressed he said please don't call me sick I have an addiction which means I hurt the people I love and I am trying - I have been four weeks clean and have meet a girl who doesn't take drugs I said I am sorry if I called it wrong - maybe sick was the wrong word but I was very proud of the fact he was fighting this evil drug and loved him very much I told him I believed he could do it, I know he has the strength ❤️ It's a day by day battle - today was a day I could genuinely smile 2/10/17 ‘These mountains you are carrying- you were only suppose to climb' 6/10/17 My son has made contact with his best friend today and his younger brother He has said he is still clean and asked his brother if he could come to tea one night He said he is with a lovely lady and would like to introduce him to her Treasure the moments ❤️ 15/10/17 A bit of a feel sorry for me Day! How I hate these days!! Meths - users may become obsessive and/or perform repetitive tasks - I thought my son had OCD! We use to laugh at his over the top cleaning, hand washing and checking and rechecking of locks! I wonder if I had been more knowledgeable could I have been more help? The times he would sleep for days, eat me out of house and get depression - I thought he had bipolar! I even told the doctor that and they had him assessed! They only told me he didn’t have bipolar! I know now they were his attempts at withdrawal A lady at work has just received the devastating news her daughter has anorexia, she has been talking to me a lot since then. I’m a bit of a loner don’t tend to talk too much as small talk is not really a place I go but she said this is something she has to be choosy who she shares it with. She said she feels shame and that she is being judged even by the doctors I said to her ‘I am so sorry, you have picked this up early and you are proactively trying to work with your daughter towards her recovery, do not judge yourself or allow others to judge you. This is not your shame your daughter has a mental illness’ Society can be a harsh judge for both the person with the addiction and of course the mother who has unconditional love for her child. I have been reading they are now saying addiction happens because the person has suffered abuse as a child! How dare they? Addiction is a very tough disease that receives little help from outsiders who judge our children as lost causes I believe in my son, I keep remembering the times we laughed together over silly things, the times he was there when I needed someone to hold my hand and these things keep me going. 19/10/17 my son made contact today - he said he is sorry for the pain he has caused and really trying to get himself together 22/10/17 I read this today - I have changed it a bit to relate to my story- The Addicts Mum is not your typical Mum. She doesn’t enjoy birthdays, holidays or even a good nights rest! She doesn’t get to brag about her child’s college graduation or promotion at work. She doesn’t show her co-workers family photos because you’re not in them. She cringes every time the phone rings. She does however, get to check the hospitals for you. She does contact your friends to see if they have heard from you. She does check the inmate registry in an attempt to locate you. She does worry about you every single day. She does get to blame herself every chance she gets. And she never gives up loving you. 26/10/17 Life as a parent of an addict is a roller coaster ride! You grab every little bit of hope with both hands! My son not responding to messages again which means either he has ‘lost’ another phone or has slipped again! Addicts seem to go through phones like I use to eat sweets! Not sure if they sell them for their drug or what happens??? Not answering my messages also is a behaviour common to him as he is ashamed when he takes drugs but the drug need is so strong Detaching with love is very hard I really hope it works but I have tried everything else 30/10/17 Caught up with my son today He has gained weight and talking clearly When he on drugs he is hard to understand, I’m not sure if this has to do with when he was four he had to have speech lessons as he is a lazy speaker, maybe drugs bring it out! Whatever it is- it happens!! Happy to catch up with him and good to see he is trying - that is all I ask I understand it is not a bandaids on all fixed situation but an on going battle Today I had a nice moment ❤️ 18/11/16 I haven’t posted for a while because I have been very confused as to what is the best way to help my son❤️ I had a terrible private message from him a couple of weeks ago saying it was my fault he was homeless, jobless and that had caused him to steal to survive! Terrible time of questioning how I was handling his addiction He of course does not believe he has the problem but believes it is me that has the problem! My son stole when he was living with me and worked a few hours only when he could be motivated to work! Because I we as a family have had many years of covering up and hiding my sons choice of lifestyle I came to the stage where I believe he is an adult making adult choices with consequences- I understand this also becomes harder and harder to change the longer he continues this lifestyle I do continually question myself as to if I am making the choice best for my sons recovery but have tried everything else. I believe this is the hardest love - loving them so much that you don’t want a feel good emotion for yourself you want to do whatever will help them become the person they were destined to be ❤️ 30/11/17 I really thought I would be writing things were working out by now Sadly not Dreading Christmas 5/12/17 Just read an article that had a big impact on where I am at the moment! It said Enablers can love their addict to death. Enabling is addictive and if you don't believe it - try and stop! Some enablers spend their whole lives waiting for the other person to change. Addiction needs help to progress and thrive- almost always-not always- when a family changes their role in addiction the addict is forced to change too. Enabling is a selfish, self-serving behaviour. It is not about helping the sick person get well, it's about avoiding confrontation and uncomfortable feelings. Should the way we treat the addict be treat the addict first or the enabler? 22/12/17 Self doubts - so many! But I heard from my son today, a short reply, but a reply to my messages I miss you too Mum! I still cry everyday usually last thing at night - probably natural response to what is happening 18/1/18 My son has changed his name again on Facebook! But the plus is he has asked me to be a friend and been messaging me❤️ Chatting well so fingers crossed 25:1/18 I have meet someone who I enjoy being with! It's been years since I felt this way but need to tell him I have a son with an addiction and part of addictions is criminal behaviour I not sure how he will handle this but I too, have to accept if he chooses not to be around someone who has a drug addict son this is his choice to make and not about me 9/2/18 Had a visit today from my son - feed him and talked light subjects He clean, dressed well and very nice to me But quite slim which is not a good sign for him Dropped him at his mates who was taking him to place he living at - private messaged him later in day to check he had got home He said he was back in town because he had been kicked out and was trying to find another place to stay! Nothing changes does it I said to him - no lol he said nothing changes I said his Aunty getting tested for shaking hands - he said drugs ? Yes, I said, but not short term reaction could be far more serious as long time drug use can cause serious illnesses Google not only short term effects - google long term results He went quite but I am far too aware the drug is more powerful than logical thinking 13/218 Self doubts at moment Son no better if anything he is worst - nastiness and self absorption coming through strong My youngest son just brought a house and wants me to go board with him and his partner for a year Guilt as to whether I need to stay in this large house for M. Only I know in my heart he is only wanting to use me until a better opportunity comes along he has done this so often Told the guy I was attracted to about my son which made him a bit paranoid but in all honesty I feel he had mental issues that surfaced as we got to know each other more - sad but fun moments 16/2/18 My drug addicted sister has just had one of her psychotic episodes- very hard to watch your sister going through these my son and his girlfriend of the moment were there and he rung to be dropped somewhere else. I told him I was busy at work - they would have to sit with her until someone got there They arrived back home last night for food and he wanted to pick up his TV I said to the girl you know he will sell this for any drug he can get-he's saying no I want to watch it I'm bored - bored until the urge gets too strong! I dropped the TV off to where they are She said how is your sister ?That's not caused by taking drugs is it? Yes it is, drug induced psychosis -she went very quiet - and those people who live in the rest of the flats? All drug addicts who's addiction now has taken them to the stage they are permanently under the mental health act I'm not that bad he said to her - and she wasn't as bad as you at your age as she had a child to keep her a little under control! Very hard for all concerned to have to watch short and long term effects of drug taking 22/2/18 My son been 'helping' my sister as she going down the spiral of psychosis He keeping her house clean, cooking her meals and making sure she taking her medication that helps to calm her Why is he doing this? I'm not sure - maybe part of him has taken in conversation we had that this is his future? Maybe because of food and place to stay? I'm not sure She invited me to tea - I said thank you - then she said can you bring something? Sure what? Thinking food A packet of tobacco!!! Like where would I get that sort of money!! No thanks, I'll give it a miss!!! Every time you give a little they demand more 26/3/18 Moving home ☹️ My youngest has brought a house M has been helping with shift He appears to be clean at moment I was speaking to girl he with and she said he really good which I can tell by his behaviour and weight gain! nice to have him back for now - I don’t kid myself I know from past he reverts back for the smallest of reasons - I do believe until he has counselling and deals with his demons he is really fighting an uphill battle But while he is trying I will help him with food He has a warrant out for his arrest so is unemployable until he deals with his past so he can move on! My sister has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s really sad I read this is one of illnesses that drug taking can offset 28/3/18 M still clean He said you know I am not taking anything at the moment don’t you Mum - yes I do, I understand you are clean but I believe until you have counselling to deal with your low self esteem and teach you ways to turn away from the drug when you feel something has happened you can’t deal with I don’t believe you are in recovery- I believe you are in a clean period I know he said! If I stay away from my friends I can do it but it gets to stage I miss my friends and I go back That, I said is your choice and only a decision you can make He been really helping me with my shift and been my caring M. 5/4/18 Still clean and my M not a drug version - treasuring each day ❤️ 20/4/18 Still clean M was talking to myself and his brother a few days ago about the strong pull of drugs He was saying how even someone mentioning drugs can have his body screaming for them. He went on to say each time he detoxes every part of his body aches even his brain! M said the only way he can stay clean is staying away from everyone He has been working so hard helping his brother with a old house he brought The sewage pipes went a few days after his brother moved in to his place and where was there all daylight hours digging - M! Together they have been renovating his brothers bathroom He said he has to stay busy to try and work though the urges It makes me proud and very sad because I know this is a everyday battle with a strong opposition ☹️27/4/18 Still clean M really wanting to get a job, he wants to stop the boredom. He will be very lucky because of his history It is very hard for those with addictions, they struggled daily to fight to survive and then their past is held against them. I understand both sides - the side of having been used as a means to get more of their drugs therefore making you continually waiting for the relapse and yet I feel deeply for the addict who is strong enough to fight many battles and yet is judged by their past! What other illness has people looking down at you and judging? If a drug addict steals to feed their addiction should they be thrown in jail with criminals? Are drug addicts criminals or drug addicts? I understand those who judge in ignorance- I use to one of them! But surely there must be a better way to help those we love when they are ready to try and work for a better future! The fight they work through is something I could never even imagine yet there are unintelligent people who say they deserve it! People judge so harshly- is this because it’s easier to judge others rather than look at yourself or is it because beating addictions is a ongoing battle and sometimes the drug gains control and they have a downward spiral but each time they get up they get stronger xx8/5/18 Still clean ❤️ 22/5/18 seen some weird postings on Facebook by M. I rarely comment or like on his Facebook but do keep an eye on his and my sisters pages as that tends to be the first warning things are not going well - they tend to put weird stuff on! So I’m thinking this is not a good sign when my youngest says have you seen M Facebook? Yes I have and M has an addiction and everyday he tries is a real achievement and yes he will have slips but I know he’s going to get back up so let’s be grateful he tries because if we lose hope then what chance does he have? Let’s just be grateful he’s trying Be strong M we know you can do it! ( I know he doesn’t know this board exists! He would be horrified! But it helps me 29/5/18 M still clean Mothers Day and my Birthday (yesterday) I heard from him! This is the first time in years this has happened. He normally hides away with shame☹️ He designing business cards to start a handyman business They look very good - he can’t get work which so going out there to try and find one off jobs. 14/6/18 Took around some muffins I made and Mike and I sat down and had a coffee together. These are my treasure moments ❤️ He said he needs to deal with his past now as he can’t move forward without doing this. I said I know you don’t like me saying this but you have an illness the drugs have changed the way your brain responds now. I said you are a drug addict and will always be one but you have done so well with what you have done so far but if you want to keep moving forward you need help. I suggested getting professional help to help deal with the cravings and work out how he can respond to situations he is put in . I have suggested this before only to be told I don’t need f ‘in help - this time he said will you go with me? Time to start researching what help available in ChCh NZ -Just got a private message from Mike - I will do rehab or whatever it takes to sort out my life I messaged back you are strong you are your mothers son I got back - thank you I love you 15/6/18 Got on to Meth helpline - they are very supportive Mike spoke to them and going for face to face meeting on Tuesday. Mixed feelings for me as although I said I accepted my son was a drug addict going with him to meet this lady as support for first meeting is a real wake up and face reality call! A friend just rung and put her husband on phone to tell me about friction book he had read about a woman on meths! He was fill of so called knowledge! I was pleasant and said thank you - felt like saying you don’t know anything! This has been my life for nearly ten years! 19:6/18 m and I met with person from helpline. He got to door and said he didn’t want to go he had changed his mind - said he was hungry just wanted to get something to eat, I said I’m scared too m. Let’s do this together Got into building and he said now I feel like an addict - you do have an addiction to drugs Mike I responded. The lady was very understanding and encouraging, she treated M with respect and always asked him what he wanted to do. She asked him to think of something he enjoyed, he couldn’t She explained because it been so many years since he had any thought processes or happy feelings he needed to take really small steps She asked him what was something he had given me, he said a table I made for her. She asked him to remember how he felt when he gave it to me. This was about letting him take even one minute away from thinking of giving up meths because by focusing on giving up it was too hard he needed to start with a happy memory A small step but a way to re train the brain away from the habit of short term satisfaction of meths It was a good meeting and he said he wants to return next week - I hope so 30/6/18 Mike went to one on one meeting again. The woman is very good. She noticed he was getting very stressed during meeting and said your craving now aren’t you? He gave a nervous smile and nodded his head. She suggested they go for a walk around car park, he was much better when he came back. She then pointed out to him, at this stage it’s about retraining your brain, but in small steps. Do things that take your mind away from the instant gratification habit it has established but remember every minute is a plus aim for the minutes at this stage I found out in meeting he has never gone more than three months clean and that was when he was kidnaped by gang and they held his hands with Mac knife over them - sounds like something off TV!!! He only managed to get birth certificate and check about getting ID last week She said that’s ok Mike because your body is using 80 per cent of it’s energy fighting your addiction so be proud of yourself - she asked if he felt proud of himself He said yes I do 5/7/18 At counselling session mike said his cravings had gone from 90% of the time to 50% - counsellor said he doing very well and she noticing the colour coming back into his skin and eyes. He very fortunate he has someone he can talk to. We went to get an ID for him, young girl in Post Office quite rude and judgmental towards him! I said he has completed everything that is required, she had assumed he had it wrong before she even checked it!! People are very judgmental towards those suffering with addictions . 12/7/18 Mike looking really healthy at moment! He has colour in his face! We both learning from the counsellor- I learning to finish my sentences halfway! I use to say Mike is a hard worker when he not taking, or Mike is caring to his family when he not taking ...... She stopped me and said - stop those sentences halfway Mike is a hard worker, Mike is caring to his family and so on. So now that is what I am doing, living in the moment, not the past. She suggested to Mike he try starting to eat healthier as he really has piled on the weight since he has been clean. He has found even thinking of exercising too hard because of weight gain so I suggested we compete against each other on cross-trainer I have and never use☹️ He laughed but I got a notebook and wrote down my times with his name beside mine to compare lol two days I was on top he beat me today! 17/8/18 Another session with counsellor I thought mike was looking good, but I must admit I was scared He said today she asked him what he thought about going to Detox - he said he wants to - he said he got to watch out from text from her as she is referring him. I was a bit confused, he said because he self medicating with sleeping pills she asked him to go in and get help learning how to deal ethos cravings He has been painting his brothers house to keep mind off cravings, eating and sleeping They both agree he’s ready to try detox so he can have a life She also has reduced his counselling sessions to half an hour because of his memory issues which she said is common with people who have used meths long term She said they just need to take it slow A bit concerning but I understand he has been taking meths for many years so it not going to be a quick fix thing 30/7/18 My sister not too good Mike said to me today, I don’t want to end up like that Mum I am more determined not to go back- I am cutting back on the sleeping pills now - they have got to go! My reply was this is the reason I had to do tough love with you, my real fear is her life will be yours You were right he said. You did the best thing for me ♥️ Treasure the moments 3/8/18 Mike trying to open a bank account! Even this is a struggle! Because of addiction he has a bad credit rating ☹️ My youngest son finally found a bank that will open an account for him so he can then apply for a benefit to help him until he able to work full time again At this stage, he is incapable of holding a full time job He is still clean, going to counselling weekly and helping his brothers around their houses His cravings he said, have reduced considerably 18/8/18 cravings have gone! One of the things that tug at my heartstrings is hearing my grandson say ‘uncle Michael can you help me?” Mike very much a part of his nephews and niece life ‘s now. His close friend has now stopped taking as mike will not be around drugs as he does not want to be part of that world 22/8/18 Another appointment with counsellor. She told Mike he now at maintenance stage He now needs to start thinking about looking for a interest and making friends outside drug world. Still to be taken at his own pace. She impressed by how healthy he looking and really proud of him. Said he lost his grey look and because he starting to eat healthier weight coming off slowly Mike and I still doing our exercises ‍♀️ 9/9/18 Mike still on track He still living with me. I have started with a a personal trainer where I heard a lady talking to others about her daughter’s new job. It was helping homeless men with drug or alcohol addictions who could prove through counseling or rehab they were working on moving forward with their lives - they would then help them get a home for theirselves and be a supportive person in their lives, even making sure they had food and a way to support theirselves I wanted to ask so many questions and I didn’t! Life opens a door and you got to push it open and I didn’t! This was a new group of ladies, younger, their main problem at moment is tiredness from getting kids to places they need to be. I let myself worry about other people’s opinions of me! Why did I do this? I don’t know I know Mike is at this stage, ready to move to independence, I didn’t push that door open Hopefully life will give me another chance to talk to this lady, Mike means more to me than what people I hardly know feel about me 24:9/18 Next step beginning Dealing with past! Mike has been given contact person who specialises in helping people with addictions- getting them right lawyer, how to apply benefit or jobs and helping them get into a place of their own. This person is one of a group of ex addicts who specialise in different fields I also spoke to lady at exercise class about help with houses but they aim more for people living on streets. Mike scared about what charges he has against him from his past but is now in place he wants to deal with past so he can keep moving forward Counsellor wrote on paper - you didn’t come this far to only come this far Mike keeps it in his wallet 3/10/18 Mike and his brother met with a support person who was recommended by counsellor. He was taking drugs for 21years and been drug free for 18 years. They said he was amazing- he was so good with Mike. He going to go with him to support him to apply for a benefit and as mike really keen to get a job help him with his search for work Mike been suffering from anxiety and his counsellor working with him on how to control it - she said normally she would say go to doctor for medication but in mikes case best to not to as he would probably over indulge So next steps for mike happening! This is the first time opportunities for help have happened with Mike - but then he never been fully committed to giving up drugs before and as this support worker said to him - did you just get sick of running around in circles and decide enough! 10/10/18 advocate went to courts to check out what charges Mike had - he thinks Mike May get two years jail time for the amount of burglaries he has done while trying to fuel his habit☹️ This is something we must face as Mike said I did the crimes Mum so I’ve got to be prepared to do the time ☹️ He going in to courts next week with his advocate His advocate wants to sort out benefit and job search for him first in case they look at home detention All a bit stressful 12/10/18 Went with son to doctor today . He has this annoying cough and it worse at nights, apparently it reflux and doctor said he had spent years putting poison into his body so it going to take a while for body to settle. He is having major panic attacks and finds it hard to leave the house and also said he feels depression. The doctor said most addicts live a bad lifestyle and hurt their families and everyone around them, dealing with that is very hard. He said it shame and being scared to face people with how he behaved . mike put his head down and nodded- it will pass and time is the healer the doctor said. Another thing Mike has put into perspective and facing. 18/10/18 back to another doctor! Counsellor very unhappy with letter sent to her from our doctor! He judged Mike and she said he was very ignorant in drug recovery! There are two doctors in Christchurch who are known to work with people with addictions without judging Went to see Doctor Nigel recommended by counsellor- so different!! Praised Mick for how far he’s got, and really came across as a very caring person 26/10/18 mike and his advocate have decided next Thursday they will go to courts for him to hand himself in He has an outstanding warrant for many thefts - half them he can’t even remember!! He going to one more counselling session for his anxiety Part of moving forward- dealing with the past 6/11/18 when Mike went to courts on Thursday they spoke to public defendant who advised against handing himself in so close to weekend He was going to go to police station today with his brother were courts had told him when he at police station then he could say he wanted a lawyer and then he would get legal aid but it couldn’t happen until he handed himself in My youngest son said he felt like he was handing him to the wolves! He feels he has come so far - we now have a loving caring mike He rung a lawyer and asked how much would it cost for advice They told him not to go to police before coming to see them this afternoon My youngest has taken a loan to pay for lawyer! Mike and I will pay it back but what an amazing supportive brother Mike goes to lawyers at 8.30am where lawyer will go with him to hand himself in 9/12/18 Still clean and looking very healthy ♥️ Sentencing for court has been put in April next year he is on bail until then. 13/12/18 Taking Mike for chest X Ray he has had this cough for months now! He has had blood tests and all good His doctor said because of mental issues - major anxiety- he wanted to give him a complete medical check as people tend to overlook the physical symptoms when dealing with mental illnesses and put it all down to that He wants to make sure Mike is physically right also I think 20 years of using hard drugs probably is also why he checking everything out for Mike 1-1-19 Great Christmas My sister and my son both clean First Christmas in many years I had all four sons at Christmas Lunch and! Enjoying each other’s company Mikes medical tests came back all clear 21/1/19 Mike looking really good Mind frame very good Still clean, he said cravings completely gone Court sentencing for past thefts comes up in April 23/4/19 Still clean ♥️ 28/5/19 I am 60 years old today! Mike and his brother have brought me tickets to Sol3Mio - I am so proud of the man Mike has worked so hard to become. He is a caring male His four year old nephew said to me yesterday- I love my uncle Michael nana♥️ His ten month old niece lights up when she sees him. His final sentencing day in court for thefts he did while on P is next Wednesday 5/6/19 Ten months home detention, five months supervision, three months lose of drivers license and $5400 to pay back to victims While I am very grateful Michael is not in jail, all his charges were committed while he was ‘taking’ The last charge was two years ago. As he has been working with his brother this no longer is an option, so financially we trying to work out how we can pay back the victims, his brother,who has paid for lawyer and traffic fines 28/6/19 can’t get over the conversations we can have with Mike now! It really so good to hear these wonderful intelligent thoughts coming from him. Still am amazed daily at how much he was affected by his heavy drug taking. He so different now