Maybe your marriage didn’t work out as planned. Or perhaps by choice or happenstance, you took on the challenge of raising a child on your own.
Just because your household doesn’t conform to the “traditional” family painted by Norman Rockwell, doesn’t mean your parenting has to suffer.
Child and family development experts say single parenting is not only common these days, it also can be just as rewarding as dual parenting. The key is for parent and child to approach challenges with optimism and solid strategies.
For some that might mean reinforcing longstanding friendships, playing nice with an ex and being the face of optimism. For kids that might mean maintaining their routines, encouraging and helping them sort through feelings and working together to create a secure, loving environment as any other family strives to do.
Between 1960 and 2016, the number of children under age 18 who live with two parents decreased from 88 to 69 percent, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. During the same period, the number of children living with only their mother nearly tripled to 23 percent, and the percentage of children living with only their father increased slightly to 4 percent.
Successful single parents discover ways to capitalize on their household structure, says Lisa Bayne, a licensed clinical social worker and the chief operating officer at South Florida’s Kids In Distress a nationally accredited agency working for the prevention of child abuse, preservation of the family and treatment of abused and neglected children.
“Single parents are symbols of strength to their children,” Bayne says. “They are able to show their children that a person can do anything they put their mind to, no matter how challenging or tough it seems. What better role model for a child than someone who doesn’t give up? Children in single-parent homes are sometimes able to receive special one-on-one attention when it is just a parent and a child in the home. They become an incredible team with an unbreakable bond.”
Jill Ehrenreich-May, Ph.D., director of the Child and Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Treatment program at the University of Miami, agrees.
“I think that when you are co-parenting actively, it can sometimes be a bit chaotic because you are managing your responses to both your spouse and your children simultaneously,” Ehrenreich-May says. “As a single parent, the focus of your attention is necessarily going to be more on your children alone. This may have advantages in terms of being more responsive to their needs and interests, as well as engaging with them while managing fewer distractions.”
Here are five tips from the experts on how single parents can turn challenges into advantages.
1. Lean on other parents
“All parents — single or not — need social support or friendships as both a sounding board for one’s own decision-making, as well as general support during times of parenting or other stressors,” Ehrenreich-May says. “Having strong bonds with other parents of same-age children can be incredibly reassuring for any parent, and single parents who do not necessarily always have a consistent co-parent to discuss issues big or small with may find such bonds even more important when considering child-related decisions.”
Along with other parents, a strong support system may also be built around good friends, neighbors and other adult family members in your life.
2. Forget about perfection
Give yourself a much-needed break, Bayne says. “It is very important for a single parent to know that not everything has to be perfect,” she says. “It is OK for toys to be left out or laundry to sit for an extra day. It is OK to take some ‘me time’ and let some other things wait while you recharge.”
3. Ask for help
“Another challenge for a single parent is the emotional overload,” Bayne says. “All parents face times of exhaustion, but in a dual-parent household, families can balance the responsibilities. A single parent takes on that burden alone, which can be exhausting not only physically but emotionally as well. Single parents should understand the emotional ups and downs they may face and not be afraid to reach out for help.”
Bayne recommends seeking such help from single-parent support groups, counseling centers and faith-based support. “It is OK to talk about because, in all likelihood, someone close to them is experiencing the same thing.”
4. Play nice with an ex when possible
This may sound daunting, but in cases where an ex is stable and willing to pitch in, playing nice together may be in the best interests of the child, Bayne explains.
“Children need to see that parents can put aside their own ‘stuff’ to make sure the child’s needs are met. This helps a child feel that they are important. Children often do not have the same resentment to the other parent that a single parent may have, and when negativity is expressed about the other parent it can be extremely hurtful to the child,” she says. “Those are ‘adult’ issues and have no place in a child’s life.”
5. Be optimistic, but don’t be afraid to be vulnerable
Kids don’t expect a parent to be happy all the time. “I think any parent is trying their best to be a good parent when they are stressed, but nobody is perfect,” Ehrenreich-May says. “We all let our stress show to our children sometimes. The key is really to share your emotions in a productive way that let’s your children know something helpful about how to cope with difficult things when they happen. If you are showing your child that, yes, you feel upset or angry, but you are coping with it by taking deep breaths and problem-solving, that may actually help them manage similar feelings well.”
—Daniel Vasquez for Publix