It happens suddenly. Baby makes three, and your relationship with your spouse changes.
You’re excited, yes. Yet your attention is splintered, and you’re exhausted. A change in routine and priorities along with a lack of control and sleep can lead to impatience and marital tension.
Family experts say many couples fail to consider how a new baby might affect a marriage originally built for two.
“All couples experience the same joys and the same stresses after having a baby,” says Lisa Lewis Arango, Ph.D., director of the professional counseling psychology masters program at Florida International University (FIU), Miami, and a specialist in family counseling. “According to research, only 1 in 3 couples report relationship happiness during the first three years of having a baby,” Arango explains. “That means two-thirds of couples experience decline in the quality of their relationship along with increased conflict.”
That sounds like bad news, but it doesn’t have to be. Instead, experts suggest couples acknowledge these growing pains and work together to celebrate their coupleness as well as their new family. Fortunately, with a positive attitude and some effort, couples can lessen the married-with-children blues and develop a new, deeper relationship.
Here are seven tips to help you ease the transition and keep your relationship strong.
1. Listen. Stress can cause shorter tempers and more frequent disagreements, but how you respond will define your relationship. Before reacting, try to hear what your spouse is really saying. Being calm in your response will help diffuse a tense situation. Often your partner just wants to have their needs acknowledged.
2. Keep your friendship top of mind. You were a couple before you were family, and you will be a couple again after your children are on their own. Arango recommends taking time out of your day or week to “recognize and remember the reasons why you chose to be together.” Reflect on your history together. Show respect for one other. Tell a joke or funny story. Be affectionate. Remember to regularly praise and thank your spouse, and also communicate your need to hear the same.
3. Make time for intimacy and romance. “As soon as possible, rekindle the flame of sex and romance in the relationship,” Arango says. Go on a date. Play a board game. Carve out time for fun, even if that’s just cuddling on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and a funny movie. Additionally, be affectionate in your everyday life. Holding hands and greeting and parting with a hug or kiss will help you stay connected and model for your children what a loving adult relationship looks like.
4. Accept offers and ask for help. “Parents with a new baby should ask for help from their family members and friends and make specific requests of them,” says Daniel Bagner, Ph.D., an associate professor in FIU’s Department of Psychology who works with families. He suggests new parents ask for exactly what they need. For example, if you need some time away, ask for babysitting. If you need to spend more time with your baby, ask for help with errands and grocery shopping. It’s a win-win because you get the type of time you need, and your friend gets the satisfaction of helping in a meaningful way.
5. Get help for postpartum depression. Research now reveals that postpartum depression can affect both men and women, says Jeremy Pettit, Ph.D., an associate professor in the Department of Psychology at FIU. Pettit says it’s important for spouses to keep an eye out for signs of intense or prolonged feelings of worthlessness, guilt or depression. “Show empathy, encouragement and support,” he says. “Being judgmental with a spouse who is depressed is likely to make the situation worse.” Instead, he recommends you encourage your spouse to seek help.
6. Keep dad in play. It’s natural for some fathers to shrink into the background as baby takes center stage and mom receives attention from family and friends. But it could hurt your marriage if dad feels left out for too long. “Keep dad involved by allowing him to respond to some of the baby’s needs, like bathing, feeding and playtime,” Arango says. “Remind Dad how important his role is to mom and baby.”
7. Be a team. As your child grows, you might discover you and your spouse have quite different parenting styles. However, it’s important never to fight in front of your kids. “Create and maintain a united front as a couple and as parents,” Arango says. “This creates emotional security for your baby and helps with discipline later on in baby’s life.”
If you try these steps and still feel unhappy, talking to a family therapist can help immensely.
—Daniel Vasquez for Publix