After the Divorce, a Different Kind of Family

In Unhitched, couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.

Tammy Theis-Satterlee and Keith Satterlee grew up in Milford, Conn., and they met in 1991 when Ms. Theis-Satterlee was still in high school. After they connected over their difficult family situations, an unexpected pregnancy led to a partnership that took them to Alaska and back again.

During their 15 years together, they survived tragedies in both of their families. But under the challenges of tight finances and Mr. Satterlee’s excessive drinking, their marriage eventually collapsed. Both agree that each lacked the communication skills to maintain the relationship.

Dates of marriage Sept. 22, 2001 to Oct. 11, 2013

Age when married Ms. Theis-Satterlee, 27; Mr. Satterlee, 30

Age now 49 and 52

Occupations Ms. Theis-Satterlee was an early childhood special education teacher for 20 years, but she is now an interfaith minister and a bridge pastor at the Seymour Congregational Church in Seymour, Conn. Mr. Satterlee is a gas system operator in the energy field.

Children Two; a son, 27, and a daughter, 20

Where did they grew up?

Both are from Milford, Conn., and each had family members with serious illnesses, as well as parents who eventually divorced. Ms. Theis-Satterlee’s mother later came out as a lesbian. Ms. Theis-Satterlee lives in Milford, in the house she grew up in; Mr. Satterlee lives in Port Jefferson Station, N.Y.

How did they meet?

The two met in 1991 while sledding with friends. She was in high school, and he was in college. Growing up, they attended different schools in Milford but knew of each other through mutual friends. Mr. Satterlee’s two younger siblings, a brother and a sister, both had a rare blood disorder and had been written about in the local newspaper, which Ms. Theis-Satterlee read regularly. She felt as if she knew a lot about him when they met.

Both bonded over the family illnesses. Ms. Theis-Satterlee’s father had Hodgkin’s disease and had also suffered a heart attack. Her mother had multiple sclerosis for many years and died from the disease in 2018. By the time Mr. Satterlee and Ms. Theis-Satterlee met, his brother had died and he had recently donated bone marrow to his sister.

“I thought I could save Keith and be something special to him,” she said, adding that he was “thrilling and charismatic.”

To him, she was beautiful and smart, and her style was intriguing. “Tammy had a Wednesday Addams flair: jet-black hair, a biker jacket and Doc Martens with yellow laces,” he said. “Talking together was incredibly easy.”

When did their relationship become serious?

After high school, Ms. Theis-Satterlee attended Mount Ida College in Newton Center, Mass., and Mr. Satterlee moved to Anchorage, where he waited tables and later ran a garage with his uncle. For three years, they were on and off, the off times because of his heavy drinking. In 1994, during a visit home, they got back together. She traveled to see him in Alaska when possible, and after one visit, she became pregnant. In January 1996, with one semester of college left to finish, she left her studies and moved to Alaska to be with him. That May, she gave birth to their son.

“I sometimes wonder if becoming pregnant was a way of escaping the void of life after graduation,” she said.

How were the early times?

Both said they had been good, with intermittent challenges. Money was tight, and he said he had felt pressured to help at home but also work more. He would give up drinking periodically, and during those stints, life went more smoothly. “I knew I was an alcoholic but wasn’t ready to quit,” he said.

Both also loved exploring Alaska — camping in the summers and cross-country skiing in the winters. On skis, they towed their son behind in a custom-built sled. They attended the Iditarod, panned for gold and explored Alaskan wildlife. “We had lots of fun,” she said, and he agreed.

First signs of trouble?

Ms. Theis-Satterlee’s parents increasingly needed more care, so in 2001, they returned to Milford, moved into her family home and finally married. In 2003, they had their second child, a daughter, but their relationship had already started to unravel with the demands of being parents and caregivers, the financial stress and Mr. Satterlee’s drinking.

“Keith’s drinking was a huge problem, but he also likely felt burdened by me not giving him space,” Ms. Theis-Satterlee said. “I expected him to know what I wanted, but also I didn’t really know how to communicate what that was.”

“I needed to stop drinking and for someone to bring structure to my life, but I resented Tammy for any lack of freedom she imposed,” he said. “For her, it was a Catch-22.”

By 2009, Mr. Satterlee’s grandmother and father had died, his sister was ill, and their son was developing behavior problems. Under those stresses, the marriage broke, both said.

Did they try to work on their marriage?

They went to individual therapy, as well as couples counseling, but both agreed that they should have started sooner. Finally, in late 2009, he joined Alcoholics Anonymous and became sober. “But by then, too much water had gone under the bridge,” he said.

Who asked for the split?

Though terrified, she did. “We both knew we were done,” he said.

He moved out in 2010.

How did their children react?

Their daughter was OK, they said, though she didn’t share her feelings with them. Their son’s behavior problems continued. Both are now grown and doing well. They have told their parents that they are glad the marriage ended.

Should they have split sooner?

“We became comfortable in our misery,” Mr. Satterlee said. “It’s always hard to know when to move on. I wish we could have recognized some of the signs sooner and maybe parted more amicably sooner, if such a thing is even possible.”

Ms. Theis-Satterlee agreed, though she added, “But then I may not have become the woman I am today.”

How did they fare financially?

She stayed in her family home, which they had purchased from her father, but struggled. By then, she had finished her undergraduate degree and was working as a special education teacher. He was pushed financially as well and carried a lot of credit card debt for the family, he said. Both agreed that they didn’t know how to talk about money at the time.

“Money had always been a hot button for us because for most of the marriage, I had only worked part time or not at all,” she said.

“I felt Tammy never really understood our finances,” he said.

How did they move on?

They each continued therapy.

Ms. Theis-Satterlee has dated since the divorce but is now single. In 2015, she started seminary training, and in 2018, she completed a graduate program in education from University of St. Joseph in West Hartford, Conn. She became a pastor and is now studying to be a therapist. She is also active in many community groups centered around social justice, homelessness and L.G.B.T.Q. issues.

For Mr. Satterlee, working with a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous was life-changing. “I’ve been able to see that much of my behavior was based on fear and been able to rid myself of many of my resentments,” he said.

What is life like now?

Over time, both have made amends to each other. Mr. Satterlee is happy, he said, and has a small, loyal group of friends, as well as a career that is going well. They spend holidays and some vacations together. “Keith has been in my life for almost 35 years and has known all of the people who mattered most to me,” Ms. Theis-Satterlee said. “He really gets me and knows me so well.”

“We’re always going to love each other, but our love now is like that of brother and sister,” she added.

Ms. Satterlee uses the term “former husband” instead of “ex-husband” when referring to Mr. Satterlee, saying it “has made a huge difference in the way other people perceive us.”

“We’re family,” he said. “She’d be there if I needed her, and vice versa.”

What marriage advice would they offer others?

“Have courageous conversations, be honest, let yourself be vulnerable, take breaks from each other in both good and bad times,” Ms. Theis-Satterlee said.

“Stay connected, make time to settle resentments or seek outside help to do so,” Mr. Satterlee said. “When there’s a problem and you don’t attend to it, it will grow.”