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The New Yorker

Shouts & Murmurs

Parents in a Chain

The great zucchini-bread disaster of 2024 and other mishaps, on a group text of moms and dads after the library bake sale.

Middle-Age Fantasies

Which is hotter? Talking geopolitics with the sexy nurse, or finding that the alluring young babysitter likes your unpublished novel?

What Are You Fond of, Samuel Alito?

My wife is fond of expensive men’s watches, Norwegian death metal, and private jets. I am not.

God Explains the Rules of His New Board Game

First, choose a playing piece. One might be a “human being” named “Elon Musk,” which seems good, since it’s really powerful, but everyone thinks it’s an unfunny “fascist-adjacent dork.”

Notice of Security Incident

Regrettably, a data breach occurred involving the part of our network that stores digital replicas of your nude abdomen after you’ve eaten beef pad Thai.

Identified

Non-U.F.O.s: Wizard in balloon. Confirmed origin: Oz. Prophet on flying horselike creature. Confirmed origin: Mecca. Undead in cape. Confirmed origin: Caucasus region.

Neighborly Cannibals

I asked Kayleigh if she’s ever experimented with nontraditional Lunchables, and she just rolled her eyes and said, “Geez, Mom. Get a life. Or an ear that hasn’t been treated with pesticides.”

Arrow Retriever

Arrow retrieving is a young man’s game. First your back and elbows go, from the constant tugging. Then you get tinnitus, from the loud screaming.

Horoscopes Written by My Mother

With Saturn rising, you might feel the astrological pull of stubbornness in your sixth house. Like when Bess waited thirteen hours before she got the epidural.

Stories from the Trump Bible

And Jesus said to Pontius Pilate, “This trial is very unfair. You are a corrupt judge, and your wife is a very nasty woman.”