Aquarius: Glossier Ad
There’s no one else out there like you. You’re shiny and pretty with barely any effort, and everybody secretly wants to be you—and you love it! Or, wait, do you actually not care at all? How many layers of irony and Wowder are you hiding behind? Did lip balm even exist before you?
Pisces: School of Practical Philosophy Ad
A thinker and an optimist, you’re very in touch with your emotions. In fact, you’re pretty sure that if you could be just a bit more mindful of mindfulness, you’d discover the secret of life. You love sharing your thoughts with others, even if they don’t ask. (You really want them to, though.)
Aries: Seamless Ad
Honest and bold, you’re a natural-born leader. You’re unafraid to make the first move and strong in your convictions. So much so that people who actually sort of enjoy cooking might find you a little aggressive.
Taurus: StreetEasy Ad
You’re a realist who’s always considering all your options. Sure, others might want to promote a sense of escapism to commuters, but not you. You’re always there to remind them that they’ve got eleven months and twenty-eight days left on that lease before who knows what happens. Some might find you annoying, but they’ll always come back to you.
Gemini: HelloFresh Ad
You love adventure and tackling (sometimes impossible) tasks. Convincing a whole subway car to remember a promo code? Not for the weak-spirited. Then there’s that competitive streak: you have a tendency to compare yourself with other people and also with Blue Apron, which isn’t good! Never forget that you are your own delivery service.
Cancer: SeatGeek Ad
As a social animal, you love bringing people together. But you tend to remember experiences more cinematically than they were in the moment. If friends have any complaint about you, it’s that you can get overly emotional about people you don’t even know and that you have a service charge.
Leo: Thinx Ad
No one could ever accuse you of being derivative. Except maybe an Aquarius. But no one else! And nobody can resist discussing you. You stay on people’s minds long after they meet you. You’re a strong personality that not everyone knows how to appreciate, but you take solace in the fact that being talked about at all is good. You think.
Virgo: If You See Something, Say Something Ad
You’re always stressing out over everyone else and can spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of you. But your strong moral code makes you the go-to when friends face ethical crises. “Better safe than sorry,” you always tell them.
Libra: Casper Ad
You’re cool but kind of shy when it comes to selling yourself. Become more comfortable in the spotlight and the world is yours, Libra! People who meet you are often shocked that, underneath your demure exterior, you’re a salty jokester, with a strong preference for jokes involving anthropomorphized animals.
Scorpio: Unnecessarily Sexual Postmates Ad
A master of manipulation, you try to coerce people into seeing you a certain way. Like the horny kid at a sleepover who tells all her friends that “a sneeze is one-tenth of an orgasm,” or a model exhaling wetly on a macaron through her diastema, you need to watch out for turning things super sexual really fast.
Sagittarius: Fiverr Ad
Always the optimist, you’re a pro at multitasking and working yourself to the bone. When you try to be like everyone else, it doesn’t work, so roll with your individuality! Some might call you unrealistic, but you know you’re just one gig away from being the multi-hyphenate billionaire or permalancer you’re meant to be. Whichever.
Capricorn: Subway Map
Jaded and decidedly “over it,” you don’t have time for fly-by-night portmanteau-abusing startups. An expert at judging personalities, you enjoy watching it all go down from your lofty post. You exude quiet confidence and don’t find yourself fighting the same insecurities as everyone else. Except when service changes render you completely meaningless.