The Garden of Eden
“No shirt, no shoes, no service”? Yeah, right! Our garden is adults only and clothing optional. Anything goes here! Just don’t eat the fruit.
Noah’s Ark
Beautiful couples’ cruise with onboard petting zoo. Great for the whole family, and only that family. Forty-day-and-night-stay minimum!
The Tower of Babel
Still under construction! Bring a phrase book for every language you can think of.
Sodom and Gomorrah
Take a break from the rat race and come on down to the Twin Sin Cities! So much fun that, when you leave, all you’ll want to do is look back. Don’t!
The Parting of the Red Sea
You’ve never had a beach day like this! Come see all that coastal Egypt has to offer, including a walking tour through the middle of the ocean. You read that right—walking! You’ll stay completely dry, as long as you remain with the group.
Solomon’s Temple
Do not bring children with you. If you must bring children, either bring one that’s perforated or bring more than just one.
The Inn at Bethlehem
Don’t believe what you read about us on Yelp—we rarely turn away guests, and only when we’re at full capacity, which is a totally reasonable business practice.
The Wedding at Cana
Everyone is invited! And our caterer has assured us that, no matter how many people come, we won’t run out of wine!
Herod’s Temple
Announcing our grand reopening! A man who claimed to be the Son of God shut us down a few months ago and forced out all our shopkeepers, but we’re officially back in business, baby!
The “Last Supper” Room
Book a meal for up to twelve of your closest friends! We offer prix fixe or à la carte, and every dining experience comes with a group portrait. Not to be missed!
Calvary (Golgotha)
Come jeer and throw rocks at potential future saviors! Fun for the entire family!
The Garden Tomb
Temporarily closed while we figure out who rolled away our largest stone, and how the hell they did it.
Babylon
Come as soon as you can! We’re expecting to permanently close any day now, and we’ve been expecting that for the past thousand years.
More Humor
- How dating during a pandemic is like being in a Jane Austen novel.
- Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans.
- One-star Amazon reviews by Fran Lebowitz.
- A selection of the 30 Most Disappointing Under 30.
- This is what your unsolicited advice sounds like.
- Why your dog needs to be leashed during walks (but mine does not).
- I am a Tinder guy holding a fish and I will provide for you.
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