A Guide to Getting on an Airplane Again

If, like many of us, you haven’t been on an airplane in a while, you may need to refamiliarize yourself with the ins and outs of air travel. Here’s a handy guide for getting ready to take to the skies again.

Booking Flights

The best time to book your flight was two weeks ago. The second-best time is as soon as your cousin lets you know what time you need to be there for the rehearsal dinner.

Airport Security

When you arrive at the airport, you might wonder who all of the people standing around wearing blue, short-sleeved button-ups are. They’re called T.S.A. agents, and they are there to do two things: keep everyone safe, and pull sex toys out of people’s luggage in order to publicly humiliate them.

Metal Detectors

Before going through the metal detector, remember to take off your belt and shoes. Do not take off your pants.

Inside the Terminal

Once you’ve passed through security, you will see a variety of shops, including Hudson News, where you can browse a wide selection of books—from New York Times best-sellers of 2016 to New York Times best-sellers of 2017—or spend five dollars on a single pack of chewing gum.

Airline Lounge

No, you do not have enough miles to qualify for the airline lounge.

At the Gate

When it is nearing time to board, everyone will gather around the gate in a disorganized horde. For whatever reason, Americans refuse to form a boarding queue like they do in Europe. Maybe it’s our rugged individualism, or maybe it’s because we, as a nation, have yet to settle on whether the phrase is “standing in line” or “standing on line.” Whatever the reason, once the horde forms, get up and elbow your way in there using your luggage as padding.

On the Plane

When you take your seat on the plane, you will either experience a sudden, visceral moment of dread at the realization that you will not be able to fully extend your legs for the next four hours, or you will be thankful that you sprang for Economy Plus. You will then be informed that the seats can be reclined for your added comfort during the flight. It is extremely rude and divisive to actually do this.

Fellow-Passengers

It is possible that the person seated next to you will try to engage in unprompted and ultimately meaningless conversation. This is called “small talk,” and usually involves answering questions such as “Did you catch the Suns game last night?” or “Are you travelling to Tampa for business or funeral?” You can discourage small talk by wearing headphones—ideally of the large, over-the-ear variety—but they won’t save you. Nothing can save you from small talk.

Entertainment

Modern airplanes are often equipped with individual screens and a variety of TV shows and movies to choose from. Do not watch the 2017 Pixar animated classic “Coco” unless you are prepared to sob uncontrollably, surrounded by strangers.

In-Flight Refreshments

If you’re trying to relax during your flight, the good news is, you can drink! And, if you are flying Spirit Airlines to Las Vegas or New Orleans, it would be weird not to drink!

Once You’ve Settled In

Mid-flight, you might find yourself marvelling at the miracle of modern air travel—at the notion that you are currently hurtling at hundreds of miles per hour through the atmosphere in a winged leviathan made of aluminum and steel, propelled by incomprehensibly complex machinery that converts combustible liquid into kinetic energy in a turbine that spins thousands of times per minute at temperatures that rival that of the surface of a small star. It may dawn on you that your suspension in midair is reliant on a precise balance of thrust, lift, drag, turbulent flows, and countless other forces all tugging at one another in a delicate equilibrium, which, if sufficiently disturbed, could at any moment send your aircraft into a fiery tailspin. You’ll think to yourself that, perhaps, like Icarus, our species is attempting a feat that simply was not meant for our humble, mortal bodies. That maybe humans were never supposed to traverse the globe at such dizzying speeds in aeronautic God-machines, and that our hubris will ultimately be our undoing.

If that’s the case, go ahead and order yourself a second cocktail.