My Boyfriend Is Pretending To Be a Woman Online—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I currently live with my boyfriend of eight years, our son, and my two daughters from a previous marriage. During the summer of 2019, I started graduate school which took a great deal of my energy and time. Very shortly after starting school, my teenage daughters began to tell me that I needed to be paying more attention to what my boyfriend was doing on the Xbox as they saw some suspicious messages.

I blew it off but then started to notice that he was texting people online and staying up all night long on Xbox. Eventually, I started getting up early and checking his phone and discovered that he was practically living a whole other life.

Over the last three years, I have continued to check his phone and found that he has gained a small group of male friends online and convinced them that he is a single disabled mom. He has become very close with one in particular and at least at one point, they were exchanging sexually charged texts.

That appears to have waned a bit but they are close enough to regularly send each other gifts in the mail and are texting all the time. Every single time we sit down to eat or go somewhere, my boyfriend has to take a picture and send it to this guy. He is always very careful to keep himself and us out of content. If we speak while he tries to take a video of something, he gets upset and starts over.

I am completely bewildered by the lies he tells these individuals. Many of his stories while based on events that have happened are generally extremely twisted and dramatized.

Recently he told the guy that he is bisexual and that he has a woman living with him with two daughters. However, he tells this individual that I am awful and that he wants to "blow his brains out in front of me." While I have never told him I know what he is doing—I have slipped and said that I know he is presenting himself as a woman on the Xbox.

He has been in therapy here and there for anger management due to past trauma, which makes it harder to confront him about all of this. I feel like this is a form of cheating, I fear that this is a sign of a severe mental illness and am contemplating leaving. How do I approach this or should I simply take my kids and run?

Dorothy, Unknown

Individuals With Dual Lives Often Have Pervasive Personality Traits

James Miller is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience and a practicing clinician, author, and radio host in South Florida.

Finding out that your partner lives a double life is mind-blowing for most people. Regardless of what the comments are about what you should do, it's easy to give feedback when we assume what we would do if we were in a similar situation. However, experiencing it is a different story. Regardless, it is critical to determine if you and your children are safe. You mentioned he stated, "He would blow his brains out in front of me." That comment must be taken seriously regardless of whether it is sincere or provocative.

There are many reasons why your boyfriend is engaging in this behavior. However, since his actions are illogical, you wonder what to do next. It's highly recommended that you seek out a therapist to determine what is in your healthiest interest. Therapy can teach you to set and maintain consistent boundaries with yourself and your partner.

Diagnosing your boyfriend from the information you've provided would be unethical. However, individuals who live dual lives often have pervasive personality traits. Those traits can be divisive, manipulative and duplicitous. When someone uses those traits, it can easily fool other people. There are reasons why you have stayed with your partner for three years, knowing he is living a double life. Taking inventory of your motives and comparing them to what you want in a relationship gives you insight into the next steps for your relationship.

Additionally, you are also a role model for your children. It's important to reflect on what you teach them when they know he lives a double life. They are watching to see what you do. You are in a tough situation. What you decide to do or not do will teach your children a lesson. You get to determine what that lesson is.

Leaving May Be the Healthiest Option

Dr. Becky Spelman, is a registered psychologist who has a great deal of experience working with anxiety and depression. She is also the CEO and founder of The Private Therapy Clinic in London.

It sounds like the person you're in a relationship with potentially has a personality disorder, although I can't diagnose someone unless I assess them with their own consent. The reason I say there is the possibility of a personality disorder here is because a personality disorder is where someone exhibits extremely unusual behaviors compared to what is considered "normal," and the behaviors your partner is exhibiting are extremely abnormal. It is unfortunate that you have let this go on for so long because good quality communication is the key to any healthy relationship.

The best thing to do now is to schedule a time to talk to your partner about a "very serious matter." Make it clear that you care an awful lot about him, and the relationship, but for the good of the relationship, something needs to be addressed. Tell your partner everything you know and see how he responds. Work on the trust issues that have been broken and seek a third party to help you get through this—perhaps one condition to you staying in the relationship is that you go to couples therapy.

This is going to be a very difficult relationship to stay in because you don't know how much your partner is going to meet you in terms of repairing things and improving their behavior. If they are not willing to do that, then unfortunately you would have no option but to leave this relationship—ultimately, that will be much healthier for you than staying in an unhealthy relationship.

Correction 4/26/23, 05:43 a.m. ET: This article was updated to correct James Miller's location.