'I Regret Having Children': The Moms United in an Uncomfortable Truth

For many, the concept of feeling anything but love and gratitude for parenthood is unheard of. But is this really because nobody has any negative feelings about parenting?

The Facebook group "I Regret Having Children" is followed by over 48,000 people, while the Reddit forum r/regretfulparents has more than 62,000 members. In these online spaces, mothers and fathers frequently share complex negative feelings about parenting.

From out-and-out regret about having children to asking how they can navigate parenting while simultaneously feeling doubt about their role, these spaces have become lifelines for many parents around the world.

One of them is Richelle Maple, 39 from Ohio. After becoming a mother at 31, she has two children aged 8 and 5.

"I think about all of the things my life would have been if the constant threat of motherhood hadn't loomed over me like a cloud of doom," Maple told Newsweek. "I'm resolved to being the best mom to them that I can be, because it's not their fault that they're here and they are wonderful small humans who deserve love and guidance. But do I miss my life without children? Every single day."

The 2021 U.S. Adult Sexual Behaviors and Attitudes Study surveyed 1,518 adults aged 18-74 about parenthood. It found that 29 percent of U.S. adults said that they either do not want to have children or wish they had fewer children.

Similarly, U.K. YouGov data from 1,206 parents found that one in 12 (8 percent) said that they regretted having children, while another 6 percent reported previously having regrets about parenthood but said they do not now.

Is It Normal To Feel Regret After Having A Baby?

Israeli sociologist and activist Orna Donath is the author of the 2017 book Regretting Motherhood: A Study. She told Newsweek: "I personally think that we will never be able to know how many parents regret [having children] since it is taboo.

"I don't think that most parents regret it; I do think though that more parents regret it than we would like to know and acknowledge," she added.

Stormi Huhn, 29, from Iowa is also a member of the Facebook group "I Regret Having Children" and told Newsweek that it is refreshing to have a space where she can discuss her mixed feelings toward motherhood.

"The topic of regretting motherhood is very taboo. I haven't found another person outside of my husband who can relate to how strongly my feelings of regretting parenthood are," Huhn told Newsweek. "I was raised by a generation that valued perseverance at all costs, and I'm tired of faking a smile and lying through my teeth saying 'my children are the light of my life.' I'm just a regular suburban mom looking for reassurance that what I'm feeling is totally normal."

Donath wrote her book Regretting Motherhood as part of her Ph.D. She told Newsweek that she believes the taboo around motherhood can be traced back to central notions in contemporary society.

"Regretting motherhood interrupts a linear story according to which it is only a matter of time until women will want to be mothers and/or appreciate motherhood and acknowledge it to be their only essence in life," she said. "Mothers who regret—while some of them are already grandmothers—do not supply the catharsis of a 'happy ending' as they say, 'No, the time has passed, and we still feel the same about motherhood, that for us it was a mistake.'"

Donath also explained that motherhood regret can be seen as taboo as a result of the uncomfortable truths it reveals.

"It reminds society that women are subjects who have the ability to remember, evaluate, imagine, think, feel and determine for themselves," she explained. "Patriarchal society would have preferred to be the owner of all these abilities."

Agnieszka Chlebowska, 39, who lives in Spain told Newsweek: "Looking at the overall experience of motherhood in a rational way, the cons outweigh the pros by like 100 to four. I honestly do not comprehend how people say it is all worth it. It is exhausting and most of the time a completely unrewarding experience."

Other parents in the group share how their experience of parenthood is not what they envisioned or even wanted. Tammy Simpson is the mother of a 12-year-old girl that she says she always wished was a boy. She told Newsweek: "I do have some regret. I didn't want a girl. I had gender disappointment and honestly, it never got better."

"The love or hatred of motherhood itself is separate to love of your children"

But while these mothers expressed regret about becoming parents, all shared a clear-cut difference between their feelings toward parenthood and the love they felt for their children.

"This is a great paradox of this topic," said Chlebowska. "People do not understand that somehow the love or hatred of motherhood itself is separate to love of your children. They automatically assume that if you don't like being a mother you do not love your children. That is not the case. There is an enormous social stigma if a woman says anything bad about motherhood which collectively creates and maintains this social misconception that it is all roses."

"I don't like kids. Have never liked kids. But my kids are… mine," said Maple. "I love my children but I loathe parenting."

Huhn agreed that while she may regret motherhood, she has absolute love for her children.

"I would never abandon my children. I love them for the humans they are; I just get exhausted by constantly putting their needs first, at the expense of my own mental health," she explained. "I absolutely mourn the life I could've had without children. It's not necessarily that I miss any specific hobby or interest that I had before kids, but more so that I miss having my own thoughts, dreams, and time. My personality has been replaced by motherhood."

"I think I like my kids because I've molded them into tiny humans that I can live with because I have to," explained Maple. "And I want good things for them, so I want to teach them what I can. But the functionality of parenting is exhausting. I have friends who love motherhood. They've just fallen into it like a comfortable pair of old jeans. I am not that person. I crave alone time that I never get. I'm constantly exhausted. I hate being needed constantly."

All of the mothers shared how the online Facebook group had helped them express their feelings and process emotions that are rarely discussed.

"Honestly his group has saved my life," said Chlebowska. "Before I found it, I thought I was going crazy. Nobody understood how I felt and I felt so alone and confused. Being a member made me realize that there are thousands of people who feel the same."

Maple is currently working on a book about parental regret and hopes that she can continue to shed light on the complex emotions around the topic.

"The book I'm writing is intended to be a 'safe space' for women who are sick of the sunshines and rainbows that are supposed to come from our busted vulvas 24 hours after giving birth," said Maple.

"I want women who struggle with motherhood to find solidarity in it, but also to be able to hand it to their teen and say, 'Before you decide to have sex that can result in pregnancy or before you decide to have kids, read this.' Because there needs to be literature in relation to the reality instead of the dream," she added.

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

CORRECTION 01/23/23 3:00 a.m. ET: This article was updated to correct the spelling of Richelle Maple's surname.