Comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
What kind of band should I start? What should I wear onstage? What should my lyrics be? What should I name the band?
—Ed in Los Angeles
Call the band “Coin Laundry.” It should be a rock ’n’ roll band. A loud, angry one. We’ve got enough mood music.
Some other good band names are “Tucker Carlson’s Wig” and “Shop Class.”
You might be wondering what I mean when I say, “We’ve got enough mood music.” What I mean is that weed has gotten so powerful that if you sneak up on someone who’s stoned on modern weed and say “BOO” they will jump a mile. Or they won’t register it at all because they’re wearing noise-canceling headphones. And pajamas.
Today’s weed can be up to 30 percent THC. In the 1970s, weed was about 5 to 7 percent THC. That’s why all the stoned people watching an AC/DC show in 1977 weren’t frightened by the loud noise. Imagine 2023 potheads at a 1977 AC/DC show. They’d probably call the police. They’d at least call their dad. “DADDY COME PICK ME UP! SOME MEAN MEN ARE YELLING AT ME!” “OK, Douglas. I’ll be right there!”
In this scenario, “Douglas” is 34 years old.
The Modern Stoned™ can’t risk having their nerves rattled (any further), so most contemporary music sounds like the shit you used to hear in elevators. If there are lyrics, they are vague and/or hard to hear. Weed that is 30 percent THC tends to make enunciated, audible lyrics sound confrontational. Ninety percent of stoned people say that they prefer instrumental music because all lyrics sound, to them, like their mom telling them to clean their room.
I made that last thing up, but I stand by it.
The weed thing aside, the only times musicians get paid to play are at oligarchs’ picnics. Whether it’s actually an oligarch’s actual picnic in an oligarch’s actual backyard, or a high-priced music festival, the fact is that they are both oligarchs' picnics. And oligarchs want background music. Rich people NEVER pay attention to art. They talk over everything, and everybody. So mood music doesn’t just protect stoned people’s nerves — it also makes great audio wallpaper for oligarchs!
We need aggressive art again. Imagine Fugazi playing a “paint ’n' sip” — or Bonnaroo (a paint ’n' sip). PJ Harvey would ruin a team-building event. There was never a VIP section at a Bad Brains show. And that’s the way it should be. Art and commerce are not supposed to get along — they are supposed to be at war.
Shave your head, and your eyebrows. Wear a T-shirt with “DOORDASH IS VIOLENCE” written on it in black marker. PLAY LOUD. Be kind.
Here are some lyrics:
COIN LAUNDRY - “Gig Economy”
I’m not a text message
Or a red or a blue
I’m not a rewards program
I’m a natural fool
Gig economy?
Maybe for you
Gig economy?
That’s all through
I’m not a fucking unit
Or a fucking fuse that blew
This system is all fake
But my love is true
My love is fucking true
