In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Hey Advice King,
My friend is getting into the news again because of all the crazy news and political issues in the world, and I think she should take a break. Maybe even just a weekend or just on Saturdays for the sake and well-being of her nervous system. It's hot outside, and it is what it is. Do you think it’s cool to tell her my opinion outright, or just go ghost for a minute?
Thanks,
—Desiré in Ashland City
Thank YOU, Desiré! I love this question.
First of all, your “friend” sounds a lot like ... me. Is this question about me? I am, coincidentally, also “getting into the news again because of all the crazy news.” And since I read this question, I've realized that my friends have, indeed, “gone ghost for a minute.”
BUT WHO CARES! I STILL HAVE MY MAIN, REAL FRIEND: YOUTUBE!
Sorry.
Another reason I think this question could possibly be about me is that my nervous system isn’t feeling, um, that great.
OK, I’m going to stop kidding around. This question could be about anybody. Anybody alive in this extremely stupid period of world history. I’ll tell you one thing: The first thing any new civilization that arises after ours is going to do is MAKE SURE THERE IS NO F%$#IN’ SOCIAL MEDIA. Then, they are going to make billionaires illegal. Then they are going to make sure no one can own multiple TV stations. Then they are going to enforce antitrust laws.
BECAUSE WE’VE ALL GONE BANANAS.
This new civilization is going to read the chapter in the history book about our civilization and laugh and laugh. They are going to laugh at the chapter about us even harder than we laugh about the Bronze Age. And I think we can all agree that the Bronze Age was hilarious.
Here’s a short play about someone in the year 4000 reading the chapter in the history book about us:
The Selfie People
A lady (robot lady) in the year 4000 is reading the chapter in a history book about the 21st century. She is sunbathing at the (tropical) North Pole, sipping a pina colada. The title of the chapter is “The Selfie People.”
ROBOT LADY: Wait, so they let like 200 people hoard all the world’s resources, AND THEN THEY WERE NICE TO THEM?! HA! Holy crap, they thought one of ’em was gonna take them to Mars! This is even funnier than the Bronze Age!
She knocks her pina colada into her lap, and the word "MALFUNCTION" starts flashing on her forehead.
-THE END-
Let me tell you, Desiré — you have the right idea. All of us “getting into the news again because of all the crazy news” is exactly what the billionaires who own the news outlets want. They know that a hysterical populace cannot mount an effective defense. A hysterical populace just orders more shit from Amazon.
Tell your friend to take a break once in a while — and I’ll make an effort, too.
